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Mom flinches, and I feel bad for the way I spoke to her, but I don’t have it in ht I do need a break I’m emotionally exhausted, and because I haven’t slepton fumes

“And you’re no good to hi care of yourself” She wraps her ar ain andout with

I’ Ryan is dead and trying to figure out where I go fro to search for anything online indicating as such Unfortunately, while the government will spoon feed little bits of inforive classified details until it’s all been investigated The only reason Kayla found out what she did was because she’s close with Ryan’s ex, who is still friends with other military wives, one whose husband is at the coo to another one They can’t give any details, so we don’t know if he’s at the one that was attacked, but the longer he goes without reaching out, the more likely he was

“Micaela, you’re an a a goodyou need a little help And it’s okay to have help” She backs up slightly, fra my face with her hands “It doesn’t make you any less of a mom” She kisses the tip of e Your dad and ia…we’re your village Let us help”

I release a harsh breath, letting ht of the situation My head and heart hurt My body is sore, and it’s hard to keep my eyes open “Okay,” I choke out

Mom smiles softly “I’ll take RJ home with me Take a bath and relax Read a book, watch crappy TV Take a nap Go for a walk I knoon’t be easy, but for a little while turn it off”

“Okay,” I repeat

“If you’re up for it, coht” She picks RJ up, who irandma

“I love you, little guy,” I say, kissing his cheek “Thank you, Mom Love you”

“I love you, too” She kisses my forehead one more time before she heads out the door with RJ

Taking her advice, I run a hot bubble bath in the Jacuzzi tub I spend the next hour shaving and relaxing I use —although, I couldn’t tell you what’s actually happening When the water turns cold, I jump in the shower and wash my hair, which hasn’t been washed in days

When I get out, with a torapped around rab my underwear and paja in the closet My sto all his stuff is in here Because he’s supposed to be here…

I snatch it off the hanger and pull it overonthe I probably won’t fall asleep, but also knowing I need to try Like my mom said, I need to take care of myself so I can take care of RJ

When htstand and drag it over My finger glides across the trackpad, waking it up, and Ryan’s face surfaces The last thing I watched was his video to RJ I click out of it, and his other video taunts me It’s in the same file folder, named Don’t Watch Ryan named it that to re happens to him—if he doesn’t make it back

My finger moves the cursor to the file, but I don’t yet click If I open this, it’s like adone, and I’m not ready to admit that yet No, I won’t open it until his body has been found, or at least until someone confirms his death

I shut down the co his bed, we’re also using his sheets Kayla suggested I wash them, unsure when the last time he washed them was, but I was too afraid they would lose his scent If he doesn’t come home, eventually his smell will disappear Just like Ian’s did And all that will be left are the memories