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She knows it, I think If she doesn’t, I was doing soether
She knows it, but it wouldn’t do either of us any good to have it out in the open If I’d said it, it would’ve been just another loss for us to carry around
I thought about saying, You shouldn’t, but I couldn’t bring lad
More than glad, I’er bone, a le atom--that wants her to feel different
She’s in love withChrist
So I wanted that picture Caroline, standing in the sun with our friends gathered around her Bridget and Quinn on the steps, listening as she told the Caroline there, I realized she doesn’t need to be taken care of anymore, if she ever did She had those two arrayed around her and her dad in a car by the curb, awaiting her cos, gotas I corah, but the public defender said theto drop off h the a sweet deal--lad to see the back offrom If I were them, I’d feel the same
Sweeter than I deserved--that was Caroline Head to toe, beginning to end, every day I had her
I ought to be sorry I slept with her, sorry we got to be friends, sorry I ever walked out to where she was sitting by the curb in the dark and pulled her into s I aht have a place in the world soht I could put down the responsibility I picked up ten years ago and trust somebody else to carry it
I’on,Kept Moether with Bo, and kept Frankie tucked away safe with stuffed aniernails I should have been there, telling her bedti she wants to be
That’s what’s in ive Frankie that Not to take it for myself
I’m sorry I tried
But I’m not sorry about Caroline Not even a little
I wish I had that picture, though
Her smile
Her eyes in the first instant when she looked up and saalking out, a freeof Caroline to keep
APRIL
Caroline
I had hial stuff sorted out
Seven days
He tried to pull away fro that happen I slept in his bed I kissed hiue on every single spot on his body it wanted to be
He was ive him back, but I didn’t have to do it yet I refused to cry over losing hione
I helped him pack I helped him sell his car to Quinn
I took him to bed
I walked him to Student Affairs and forced hiht coht way to leave With deliberation With care
I deliberately, carefully, slowly drew his cock intooff thethe fitted sheet so it rucked up underneath hiertips gentle behind ht, I stroked his back and his shoulders, his hips and his ass, his ar as he was still o
At the airport, I don’t knohat to say
We hold hands on the walk fro lot to the check-in counter
We hold hands on the walk from the check-in counter to the security line
We hold hands until the o and I have to stay and we can’t hold hands anyround and pulls me into his ar It’s easy, with ainst his shirt, feel his lips on the crown of ht around o There’s a little girl on the other side of the country who needs him There’s a place he fits into, a life that’s not this life, and I can’t question the clais were different I’ve wished it a thousand ti as they’re not different, this is the way it is, and I won’t tell him I wish he would stay
"Hey," he says
I look up at his face I push my hands up his neck, cover his ears where they stick out because he’s wearing his black baseball cap He’ll get on a plane next to soe dude, nobody i
"I’ll ap in your teeth"
"I never did show you how I could spit through it"
"That’s all right We found some other stuff to do with our time"
That makes me smile, which makes him smile, and we just look at each other I study how his eyes crinkle at the corners, how deep the lines sink in around his lips, how nice his teeth are His slightly crooked nose The smile fades away, leaves his mouth so serious, as serious as his eyes
I pet his ears Pinch his earlobes
"I don’t kno to do this," I tell him
"There isn’t a way We just do it"
I reach for the brio up on oodbye
His hand claue oes deep, deeper, until we reach the place where there’s no boundary between us The place where I’ve given hi with soft, fraying edges that flaps in the wind, claims him as my own, forever
I tell him, with this kiss, that I want him to be well That I want him to thrive I want hiy, his creativity--to put the that feeds his soul