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I think hter with her hair in pigtails, grows up and leaves, you console yourself with the knowledge that she’s sood choices

It must be so difficult for him now, to deal with the fallout of the choices I’veI can dirty, tear holes in, or ruin Not in any way that’s real But for hiuess that dress … it’s a dress that he laundered, a hope that he cherished, and he’s got to find a way to adjust to what I’ve done to it

His daughter is naked on the Internet

His baby girl is in love with a drug dealer

I give him time

It only takes him ten minutes to come back to the kitchen

He accepts the cup of coffee I offer him He stares down into the black brew He meets my eyes and says, "I’ll make a few calls"

"Thank you"

He sighs

He puts the coffeedown

"Don’t thank me yet There’s probably not a lot I can do And I have to tell you, Caroline, I’m not certain I’d do even this much if this boy--"

"West"

"If this … West didn’t have one foot out the door"

"Okay Thank you" It’s a big concession on his part If he’s going tohis own reputation on the line for West--and that means he does trust me At least a little

I put my arms around him His neck smells like aftershave Like my dad

"I love you," I tell him Because I do I always have He’s the world I was born into, and he gave e, the knowledge I arreat dad, and I love him

When I squeeze, his arms come up, and he squeezes back

"After this, can we be done for a while with the boive hto be around for break Once you get West out, I’h

A long lass, and o, either His shirt collar is stiff, his body war since I’ve spent so led up to West

My dad isn’t very tall I’ve always thought of him as taller than me, but he’s not, after all

He’s just ordinary

We’re both doing the best we can

"I talked to Dick," he says "We have soies to consider"

"Okay Why don’t you set up ahe has to share under consideration"

My dad backs up a step and looks down at me with his eyebrows steepled "You’ll take it under consideration?"

"Right" I touch his arht, Dad I’ll take your help, if it’s help I think I need But don’t get confused about who’s in charge"

And it’s funny--he laughs Not a big laugh Kind of a snort with half a sht shake of his head "You alere a ballbuster," he says

But he says it like he’s proud

SPRING BREAK

West

I wish I had a picture of what she looked like that day

I’d told her not to coet involved, but I didn’t really expect her to listen It’s like she said to uys who’d have a proble them And, sure, even I threw out a token protest when she said it, but that wasthe leader--it doesn’t mean I’m her flunky It doesn’t diminish me It’s just who she is

I always liked that about her How she could walk into a classroom with her books, her binder, her pens, and you could see by the way she raised her hand, the questions she asked, the straight column of her spine: She’s the leader

It’s what makes her so awesome

So I wish I had a picture of Caroline on the steps of the police station, and it’s not because I’ve forgotten

Her perfect posture The way her hair bumped over the collar of her jacket, shiny and smooth

The look on her face, serious one second and radiant the next

The light that ca brown eyes of hers when she saalk through the station door

I won’t forget I could never forget what Caroline looked like the first time I saw her after she told me she loved me

She’s the only person who ever said that to ive ht when I was leaving When I fucked up everything--school, ot fired froot her arrested, and that’s when she decided it was time to say the words

I didn’t knohat to say back to her I still don’t

I love you, too