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"Sure thing"

Nate pulled me inside, closed the door, kissed my neck His hands roamed under et was in the hallway and I had a paper to write

And also because I felt deflated, as though so

The alchemy of a boy who could turn two-liter soda bottles into chicken rockets

I wonder, sometimes, whether the pull I felt toward West is the reason why I broke up with Nate Whether it gathered power until it got so strong, it cast a shadow over all s, and I didn’t even realize it

When I think about Nate, about West, it’s hard for me to tell what’s my fault and what isn’t

When I sleep, there’s no peace in it I drea chased, attacked, hurt In my dreams, I’m a victim, and the dreams start to feel more real than the daytirocery store The guy at the gas station has gotten to knoho I aas and orange juice He’s in his forties, with a salt-and-pepper beard and a gut He see the night shift at the Kuross Before, I thought it was funny Now it givestwenty er talk to the Ku if he’s seen me with my clothes off

I drive by knots of drunk students walking back to the college fro and shoving One tiuy, and I thought he was going to rape her, but he helped her up I pulled the car over and took deep breaths, close to hyperventilating Because, seriously, what on earth is wrong with ht that?

I never would have, before Never

I don’t want to be like this for the rest of my life If I had an undo button, I’d hit it so hard But if there’s soo back to hoas before, I haven’t found it

Most nights, I end up at the bakery

I tell myself I won’t, but I do

I’ here, stop parking out front, stop looking through thefor a gliht spills frolass and over the sidewalk I set the e With the car stopped, my music sounds too loud, so I lean forward to turn it down

I iood The mental taste of it is sweet, an antidote to all the hours I spend on h the worst that huure crosses the doorway By the ti the door open and the other tucking ust of cold wind blows across my exposed feet and over the back of aroo pocket of my hooded sweatshirt

Theat and why I’m such a duet back in the car when the wind shoves at ht in my face, and I squint my eyes and raise a hand to shield ry

I’ in front of a bakery at four in theat an empty

I squeeze my keys so hard, they bite ain

Go in there and tell hi

But I don’t I can’t West isn’t what I need He’s only what I want

I want him because he punches when he’scar two thousandstew out of cans as if that’s so you can just do

Because he looks at a soda bottle and sees a chicken rocket

Because I feel like, if I ith hiht ask ht say yes

But I know that’s not ould happen He wouldn’t save h

I turn around, get back in the car, and drive away

OCTOBER

West

It took h town just often enough to fuck with Moave him all her money, turned her heart over to him one more time, and then watched him drive away

That year--that summer when I turned ten--Mohbors in our trailer park, telling them what had happened in a way thatto eat

In the busted-ass, nothing place in Oregon where I’m fro but part-ties you can’t raise a faood for two things: fighting and fucking

I got good at fighting early When I elve, e rooood at that, too, with soh for h for everybody else

But there’s soh cracks, looking for light Looking for a deeper grip in inadequate soil

I’s work, fix them if they’re broken, make them better It’s just the way I am, as far back as I can re broken in the trailer-park laundry, I’ve got to knohy If I can’t get a good answer, I’ll take those fuckers apart and try to figure it out

When there’s so I can do, I need to do it