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I think that’s what ood you can fuck, but what you do How hard you work for the people who depend on you What you can give them
That time my dad came around when I was ten--the tih that I finally learned how to hate hinant before he left
My sister, Frankie, caainst her Mom hadn’t planned on another kid and wasn’t real thrilled Frankie showed up early, way too puny She slept a ton
Because I’m curious--because I can’t help myself--I read this pa of free formula It said babies were supposed to wake up every three or four hours to eat, but Frankie wasn’t doing that Not even close
"What a good baby," everybody said
Nobody wanted to hear she was starving
I didn’t want to love Frankie I just wanted to fix her But the thing about babies is, you ht--unwrap their blankets, change their diapers, run your fingernail across the bottoh to eat--and the next thing you know they’ve got their little fingers wrapped around your soul, and they don’t ever let go
I had to do things for Frankie Whatever needed to be done I just had to
So I learned what hours DHS is open What paperwork you have to take to the office, who to call if you swipe your Oregon Trail card at the grocery store and it turns out there’s no money on it because your mom missed the appointet secondhand onesies Who gives out free formula on what days How to turn in cans for quarters to pay for laundry, where to find hen people say there isn’t any
I learned I’ve got a knack for it
By the ti uess I started to think I was the man of the house The rock the surf broke over Invincible
Then my dad showed up
If I was the rock, he was the tide Nothing I could do to keep hie was to keep Frankie sheltered, give her so her under, too
After that, I started thinking about what else I could do
Just working and keeping shit together the way I was already--it wasn’t ever going to be good enough I had to give Frankie a life so to end up like all the other girls, screwing twelve-year-old boys in supply closets, getting screwed over again and again by some worthless bastard she’s decided she’s in love with
I couldn’t stand the thought of it
When I was old enough to drive, I got a job at this ritzy golf course twenty-five ot that job on purpose, because I knew if there was anywhere I could ure out how to beco, which is how I uy was sick, and then he requested olf course I’ about--when I say it’s ritzy, I mean it’s so ritzy that people fly there froolf, and once they pick their caddy they keep the sa as they want It’s swank
So, anyway, Dr T is rich--an anesthesiologist--and his wife coh up on a bluff with a view over the golf course It’s huge, clean, everything i broken or out of place
That house looked like everything I wanted for Frankie A fortress that would protect her fro stupid, fucked-up decisions and wasting her life
I saw that house, and I wanted it I wanted what he had
I guess Dr T saw soness to work, to groard any kind of light I can find He said I reminded him of himself back when he was a dirt-poor far with his life
I , is what he otten
Dr T ht norant He toldpeople like him He and his wife don’t have kids, and he kind of adopted me
His wife--she didn’t want a kid She took me out in the woods and told me to lift up her skirt Took me in the pool Took me into her bedroom when Dr T wasn’t around
She wasn’t the only woman to use me, or even the first She wanted into ured
Dr T told one, the best college, according to hiet in, they would ship me off to Putnam, Ioith full tuition Room and board would be up to me
The Tomlinsons would do that for et in to Putnas Dr T would kill et here, and I’ht people to giveup in life
I did them for Frankie and my mom
I’m not asha works It’s a fucking et where I need to be, fine If I have to trade sex formy heart
Love is what fucks people up Love is the undertow
My ht me that
At Putnam, I wasn’t not the same person I a lines I was an iood one I knew exactly hoas supposed to behave, what I could get aith saying and doing, when I needed to shut the fuck up and keep my head down, no matter how much I didn’t want to