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Back to the Beginning

Moinside ofwould be better after I went through with this I&039;d be truly reunited withneed to take care ofrelationship with someone who could love her the way she deserved to be loved; I hoped, whoever he was, he fully appreciated the a woman in his arms And my mother could live out her years with Sheriff WhitneyNeil With their secret already out, they could be more open with each other And without me around to worry about and stress over, she could fully and completely love him It made me sine a few times as rain splattered on the e it No one had passed me or come up behind me as I sat, stopped, in theand this road was little traveled anyway The fa scent of le scent would be the last thing I took with me The wipers swished noisily back and forth and I tore uard rail to watch their rapidin every minute detail of my last moments on Earth

I wasn&039;t worried about the pain I would take whatever I had to take, to get my end result Whatever mortal pain was necessary to transfer from this state to the next Any physical pain could hardly compare to my months of e cuts co torn and shredded into thousands of pieces? Nothingabsolutely nothing

A song on one of Sawyer&039;s chick rock CDs (that I actually secretly liked) ca about surviving a suicide atte was suicide - I wasa mistake, but I suppose that&039;s not what my official death record would say The toould run rampant with rumors of how I&039;d driven off and drahed and hoped my mom wouldn&039;t have to hear too much about it, that people would be kind to her over her loss Maybe she and the sheriff could move away once his wife passed on from her illness They could heal each other I sether

As the haunting, but beautiful, lyrics drifted through uard rail I blinked, startled, when I noticed a car there that hadn&039;t been there before A car that I knew very well A car that was currently blocking the predeter whatparked in front of my bulls-eye How had she found ure stepped out into the rain I immediately understood how I&039;d been found, as I watched Sawyer shut the door, her clothes and hair drenched from the downpour Sawyer and I nearly had the sauess correctly where I&039;d go to end my life, it&039;d be her

I should have realized that earlier and not spent so ether that that Safe and Sound club had probably been out here, on more than one occasion, toEven though Sawyer and I had never talked about this spot, of course she&039;d know exactly where it was

She stood in front of the car door defiantly, are, even froo throughshe would move She didn&039;t, she didn&039;t even flinch I did it again, letting the car surge forward a few feet Nothing She didn&039;t even react Well,to budge on this

I cursed and sla! She&039;d never let lanced at her corsage still hanging from the rearview mirror Where before, I&039;d seen the broken petals as syht at the dance, now they see as I hated to take her with me, but I had to do this, I couldn&039;t stopthe windshield forcefully She still didn&039;t ined the car slicing her in two and tears stungher body and I felt a sob rise The haunting lyrics of living through the pain played on through the car&039;s speakers, searingscent of lemons always present in Sawyer&039;s car, choked me I loved herI couldn&039;t kill her

I knew to not slaently eased the too fast to stop in ti for the edge of the road The car hit the gravel and I jerked the brakes down, spinning a bit on the loose rocks, but stopping without sliding

My heart racing at what I&039;d nearly coainst the wheel repeatedly again I looked out theat Sawyer on the other side of the street, still standing in front ofnear uncontrollably She&039;d thought I wasn&039;t going to stop And she still hadn&039;t been going to

I jerked open ry that she&039;d throw her life away for htened ather hands to her sides, fists clenched for a fight I shookdown !"

Her eyes narrowed as she glared atthe storer into ?"

I irritably batted her finger away, frustration rising in me I needed to do this I needed to do it nohile I could "Get out of the way, Sawyer!"

She crossed her hands over her chest again, thrusting her chin out atto let you do this!"

I threwlike I wanted to yank it out of ! And I&039;d been so close "Ahhh! It&039;s already done!" I jerkedthe ravine where"This is as supposed to happen I&039; an error!"

She shoved her hands into ht intoan error? You lived for a reason, Lucas!"

I threwfro from the sky The violence in the air around me only added to my conviction - today was a day for destruction "No! There is no reason!" None to stay alive, that is, I had plenty of reasons to stop

Sawyer, her face paler than I&039;d ever seen, stepped forward and grabbed hed the fury in her voice as she spoke over the pounding rain "This isn&039;t the way"

I shook"It has to be I can&039;t o backthis is it forshe&039;d understand, hoping I understood

She shifted ly at the point of impact I so wished to et better" Her eyes searched mine frantically as she sed and worried her lip, ed and shookher hands froile at the moment, and I wished she hadn&039;t come out to witness this It&039;d be better for her if she&039;d found out after the fact

"I re et I re control I reh it I re and then I reet that? How do I possibly forget that? How do I uard rail again "How does any of that get better?"

She let out a soft sob and I turned my eyes back to her I so wished she hadn&039;t come "Please, Luc! I don&039;t kno, but you have to find a way!"

I put my hands up to my chest "But that&039;s just it - I don&039;t want to anyo on I&039; aroundtoto bind me to this world "No, you have to stay I demand you stay!" I couldn&039;t help but to note the similarities between her words and the words I&039;d spouted at Lillian It wouldn&039;t work for her, anyh It was too late

I tried to push her off of me, but she clawed and pulled in a ferocious atteled with each other, until both of us were panting fro

Eventually, I rab onto both of her wrists and hold theed me as surely as her voice "Please, you have to deal with the pain - we all do!"

Exhausted and frustrated at the physical and emotional battle I hadn&039;t been prepared for, I snapped back, "What the hell do you know about pain, Sawyer?"

Her eyes hardened and she gavefor cover I ht, not hat I wanted was so close to me, just a few yards over her shoulder

Without a word, she twisted her wrists in rasp and shoved her arms forward Her clothes and skin were so wet that the fabric of her long sleeves bunched up aroundup her arms to her elbows I looked down, confusedand then I stopped and stared, my mouth wide open

"I may not understand exactly what you feel, Lucas, but I understand pain!"

I couldn&039;t answer her; I was still staring at her arrasp, she&039;d turned her palrasp on her shirt had exposed her inner arms And for the first ti-sleeved clothes I re with her long sleeves, and thought that maybe that wasn&039;t an unconscious habit after allmaybe that was a re scars running vertically down each wrist

I relaxed my hold on her and ran a thumb down each telltale rasp on her, to not let her keep hiding herself froht back to her panicked look when Ms Reynolds had been holding her wrist, and thought that this was so she probably hid frootten, I looked back up to her tear and rain streaked face "What did you do, Sawyer?" I whispered

She shook her head re so stupidI can hardly believe it so her fingers, lacing theuy usedhohet better I&039;d never love like that again and nothing but pain awaited ed as her eyes flicked between ony, and I couldn&039;t see a way out of it I busted into my dad&039;s liquor cabinet, busted intopills hiskey shots"

Her eyes lost focus and looked through ht as she continued with her nighth for e I sat on the floor and sliced each araze returned to mine "I didn&039;t even think about itI didn&039;t even feel it" Her lip twisted wryly "I gave myself a trio of deathone of which was sure to clai to waver "My parents ca all over their garage" She sniffed and heavy tears ran down her already wet cheeks "They barely got there in tihed and shook her head "That&039;s why they don&039;t give me much leeway nohy they moved us to the ain"

She dropped one ofthem into my skin as she softly stroked ain Because I see nowthat things do get better" She stepped closer to uely noticed that the rain was letting up considerably, only a few droplets splashing on her cheeks and black hair as she lovingly gazed up at me "I see that, because of you, Lucasbecause I fell in love with you"

She leaned up and brushed her lips against rief enter me as her lips touched h with thisgrief that er I couldn&039;t I couldn&039;t i this way A sob escaped ether

"I can&039;t I can&039;t" I mumbled between our kiss

Her hands came up to my cheeks, her scars still visible to me in my watery peripheral "You canI&039;ll help you I love you"

I saw a patch of stale sunlight illuminate the top of ,on to another location Panic seizedLike, If I didn&039;t do this nohile the conditions were siht, then I&039;d never be able to do it

I shook my head and stepped back froentle shower I was running out of ti in sharp pulls - I had to do this "I&039; as you, Sawyer" I backed away farther and her hand snaked out to grab the wet dress shirt clinging toto keep er than you think" She shook her head, her hair sticking to her neck A patch of brighter sunlight hit her and for a el she was I&039;d miss her so much

"You&039;re wonderful, Lucas" Her other hand caYou belong herewith me"

My voice caers from my clothes "I&039;m not supposed to be here" I successfully re her to understand that I needed to do this and I needed to do it alone "Pleaseleave, Sawyer You shouldn&039;t have to see this"

Dropping her hands, I turned to sprint back to the Camaro I&039;d find another way around her if she wasn&039;t going to , I needed to hurry But Saasn&039;t about to lether ar inside her s to break free "Stop, Sawyer, let o!"

She sobbed into le "No, I&039;ll never let go, Luc!"