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We struggled together, but I was stronger than her I eventually pulled us both into the hway I started to panic as we became more exposed to the open road It would serve my purpose if a car flew around the corner and struck ave e I needed to break away frorasp I finally extractedto stall her, to give et back to the car

As I made a run for it, round Her hands behind her broke her fall, but it still looked like it had hurt and for a second, I debated turning around to help her But I felt sunlight on my face and not raindrops, and I twisted back around to her still running car I didn&039;t have time to help her

As I opened the door, I heard from behind me, "Don&039;t you love me?"

She had yelled that and the sound of her question echoed throughout , I opened the in the middle of the road, her arer and love than I&039;d ever seen on someone

"Yes," I said, simply

Her hands clenched into fists as she stared across the road atthat she&039;d ain, her words sort of echoed hts

"You said you&039;d never hurt o over "This will hurt me, Lucas!"

I sluret, and she knew that She was digging her finger in the one wound that made this an almost difficult decision for me I would miss her and I had no desire to hurt her I couldn&039;t see a way around that thoughand it was too late to stop

"Pleaseforgivein the open door A part of me relaxed that she was now safe, a part ofme stop, and then I&039;d fail I didn&039;t want to fail I couldn&039;t live like this anyht up tobody into ive you for this"

My face fell as she confirret, was a warranted one "Butbut you understand" My hand reached down to her wrist, lifting it

She understood the reference and shook her head, lifting her other wrist level with the first "These were h" She shook her head again and then grabbed my face "Don&039;t hwater filledfrom leaves and branches, not the sky The storht, of the water dripping in the car I shivered, and not fro the si allowed to continue I was supposed to die It was fated, and you don&039;t mess with fate

My eyes had drifted to the ravine and she brought my attention back to her "Yes, Lucmistake You were htly, her face soft with co , but she continued before I could object "Would you rather I was dead, Lucas? That I hadn&039;t survived?" I violently shook ine that fate She exhaled brokenly intoaround my neck "That&039;s the same way I feel about you" Her hand twisted into aze at me intently "You&039;recrack in me and wanted to object, but words failed me It felt like thehad fully closed, snapped shut, never to be reopened I&039;d missed my chance Despair crept into those cracks and a soft sob escaped ly stroked my cheek "I love you, Lucas Heart and soul, I love you I can&039;t iine a world without you in it Pleasestay"

I still couldn&039;t answer, sobs were stealing rief I felt within ht break apart I&039;d never see Lil again I&039;d never see any of theain As my determination failedin for awhile My body started to shake in earnest as the wet clothes stuck toa coldness on the outside that matched the coldness of noring how her oet body was shaking just as badly "Stay here," she whispered "Stay here with ether"

The coldness and loneliness overwhelmed me, finally brokeShe knelt doithement while h the torture, I onethey&039;re all gone"

She murone I&039; anywhere Neitherto leave you" As she spoke, I felt her reach overincreased

It was an e to leave, not with life as unpredictable as it could be; I understood that better thananyway So to be okay, and I struggled to hold onto it, to absorb it intosadness But it was a slippery eain, as I bent over and continued h I had no control over saying them "They abandonedit over and over in a nearlytone and soothing , "They didn&039;t, Lucthey died No one left youthey were taken frood, Sawyerthey&039;re really gone" The crying started in earnest at that point

I don&039;t kno long she co body, but eventually in the distance I heard a siren approaching I didn&039;t look up froot louder and louder I ave

Her hands rubbed warm patches into my back as my head rested on my knees The siren stopped and I heard a door open in the distance, but it sounded foggy, like I was hearing it through a tunnel I thoughtto pass out from the strain, but soh that haze, I heard a voice calling my name in a panic I liftedfor me I ruefully noticed the blue patches of cloudless sky above ray swatches of stor like there was a drop of rain left in them I&039;d failed Some tiny, tiny part of my brain felt relief in that as Sawyer held me

The yeller of my name became apparent to ently, to make room formy face, as my mom squatted in front of ht I couldn&039;t fully inhale I let her Guilt filled uilt increased tenfold when she started to sob apologies

"I&039;ure stepped behind her, placing a hand on her shoulder

I looked up fro by Sawyer in the open car door His face was solehtly shook his head "I&039;m sorry too, Luc We should have told you"

I dropped my head and shut my eyes I hadn&039;t wanted to see their pain It was so ine them years after the fact, when they were already over me But my absence would have been just as painful for them as my friend&039;s absence was for uilt of feeling like they&039;d pushed ewhich they hadn&039;t, not specifically anyway It was e reaction seem the only way out As I shifted my focus between ain, a less dramatic clarity than before, but no less profound I didn&039;t want to hurt the people who loved me I didn&039;t want them to feel the pain I felt I didn&039;t want them to feel responsible for my death, the way I felt responsible formy arms around my mom and held her to me While she sobbed in my arms, my eyes locked with Sawyer&039;s behind her "I&039; to both of thee of an emotional breakdown in my arms Finally Sheriff Whitney pulled her back She turned in his arms and embraced him in a way I&039;d never seen her embrace anyone I stared at thehtto understand their situation I inhaled deeply, releasing it slowly Ito fully understand it, but I wasn&039;t too young to condee where two people found love?

A sob rose in hts drifted back toposition in front of s She looked over my face with concerned eyes "Lucas?"

The sob broke free as a wave of guilt and grief washed over me I may have been able to halt the desire to endback and forth, but the desire to live wasn&039;t exactly bringingoverwhelmed by some sudden need to seize the day and make the most of eachalone I still hated myselfand what I&039;d done

"I killed them, Sawyerall of them"

Tears fell from my eyes and she cupped o, baby" She flushed a bit after she said that, and I sto survive this dayI&039;d need help I scooted forward a bit and reached into ave it to er to help me in any way possible She raised an eyebrow and in-between tears I told her to call Beth She looked at Sawyer, confused, and Sawyer, her ain, thankfully explained for me

"His counselorMrs Ryans Her card must be in there somewhere"

My mom nodded and immediately pulled out her cell phone while sheriff watched the road, ever cognizant of the potential danger of so ht at a sharp corner I heardrapidly and emotionally to someone on the other end of the phone I tuned it out and focused on Sawyer, focused on et from her return to me It was harder to do now; I had much more painfulthose pale eyes stare back atthe beautiful shape of her lips, the arch of her brow, the spot where I knew my hidden dimple lay buried, eventually, I found a s that that was probably all I&039;d get today, I soaked it in

"Thank you," I whispered, my voice so hoarse it was nearly coh Instead, tears leaked froain"

A small smile crept into my lips and I nodded Exhaustion overtook ers back through , repetitious pattern, and aited Waited for h to live

A nuuely aware of voices talking about ,reer&039;s seat, although I had no idea who&039;d actuallythis cursed place I was going horaspwhose is was A soft, co, feminine tone, not the actual words Within e car was already waiting for us, parked along the street My istering her haggard face staring at h theShe stepped out of her car and opened rabbed my hand and helped me stand She was drier than me, but looked just as worn, her eyes red and her face sickly pale The sheriff ca driven hiot me inside They walked -doll, an empty shell that people could move around and dress up to look human, but I wasn&039;t really sure if that&039;s what I was anymore

I heard Sawyer&039;s voice enter the house and I instinctually turned to look for her She alking through the door with Mrs RyansBeth She was ani me with a furrowed brow In my numb haze, I couldn&039;t h Saas replaying the events that had happened on the highway I didn&039;t care I didn&039;t care what Sawyer said to her I had no secrets any her hands andnoise I couldn&039;t tell what she was saying either, but I figured she was begging the professional to save her daed son If I could have felt any euilty about that

Beth nodded and tried to re her tight, like she was her lifeline or so Eventually the sheriff had to walk over and re her into the kitchen Sawyer eyed me on the couch and looked torn as to whether or not she should joinwhat I wanted, since I wasn&039;t letting anything fully enter ht a hand to her shoulder and told her so Sawyer nodded at her and then turned to wait in the kitchen, giving lance before she left

Beth came over and sat in a chair next to the couch She didn&039;t say anything, just sain,breath and let it out slowly I did the same "Lucas" she said softly I nodded and waited "How are you?"

I looked down, nu nothing would hurt ht now, I looked back up at her and spoke more honestly than I usually ever did "I tried to kill ave me a sympathetic smile and nodded The pride on her face that I&039;d ad extremely painful, freely, was evident "I know, Lucas," she whispered "I&039;lad you called for me"

I exhaled and it felt like the first true exhale I&039;d taken inwith that exhale Rebooting, like I&039;d turneditself I hoped whatever bug was in my system cleared itself out with this restart

For the rest of the , I talked Beth occasionally askedI told her everything I held nothing back, no bit of darkness, no edge of insanity, no self hatred - nothing As my emotions came back to lifeit hurt, and I had several panic attacks that Beth calh Then I&039;d break into crying spells and she&039;d rub h, I told her everything I&039;d bottled up since the accident

At some point, I lied down on the couch and threwquietly in the kitchen, or objectsaround, and I knew every person in there could hear what I was saying I still didn&039;t stop though I spoke of the party we&039;d gone to that night I spoke of Darren and Sammy, our friendship and their eternal bond to each other I spoke of the accident andit And I spoke of Lillian

She was the most painful to talk about, but I did I spoke of every aspect of our relationship How intimate we&039;d been in life, but hoe&039;d never taken that last leap into ad our love out loud, and hoe&039;d never physically shared that love with each other I admitted even more intis inaotten to al our relationship I&039;m sure I blushed a few tied me to continue, and I&039;d needed to talk about it with someonealive

Hours later, when my words ran dry, I remained on the couch while Beth went to talk to my mom for a moh I did e a thank you before she left the room I was exhausted, drained from an overly emotional couple of days Or had it only been one day since the dance? It felt like years

I felt rubbed raw, inside and outside, but a s I still felt a horrible sadness and an aching pain, that didn&039;t hter And for the first ti ti in me that ale of the couch while the adults talked about azed up at her I could feel the need for sleep filling me and she seemed to see that in me too She leaned down and brushed some hair off my forehead before she kissed it Her black hair swept overoverdown, she whispered in my ear, "Get some sleep, Lucas I love you"

I felt a love-filled ache building in ht to me "Stay withand tears She nodded, and brought her legs up onto the couch, her ar Despite our still slightly dasluave into it, I twisted to buryinto the crook of her neck Then I kissed the war out from exhaustion

I had no dreams that day and was relieved for it