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My knee bounced faster My stomach churned I let out a slow breath “They wanted me to be better, so I was better Only I wasn’t I’m not I won’t ever be better He’s in my head Even in death I’m not free of hiets, the more he looks like his father, and I’m scared The eyes Why did he have to have those eyes? And I wonder I worry What will I tell him about who his father hen he asks enetic? I shouldn’t be scared of my baby He’s not at fault, but at times I am Every day he’s a reminder of Seth Every day I look at him and remember I killed his father Every dayeveryday I look at Shawn and remember how he came to be I try not to, but it’s always there in the back of my mind And now Malcolm knows, and hehe couldn’t even look at me! I don’t want Shawn to be treated differently, but Malcolm knows They wanted me to be better They wanted me to be over it, and so I was, or pretended to be, but I’m not I can’t do it anymore I worked so hard to bury it all, to hide away all the things I let Seth do to me, but they won’t stay down anymore Ever since Malcolmmore and more have escaped from that box Itit won’t stay closed I need it to stay closed It’s the only way I survive”

The battle was lost Like last night, the crying couldn’t be stopped Now that the wound had been reopened, it bled fast and furious The words, the shauilt, all of it poured out ofthe worst of it hidden If no one knew, I could pretend it didn’t happen, but in one stupid, drunken night I’d blown it all

I felt a hand onin front of me, box of tissues in hand I waited for as to co I’d just said, to poke and prod, wantinged to calm down

Oncestutters, she got up, returning a few mo up, thanking her between hiccups I watched her feet as she walked back to take a seat across fro my knees to my chest I iped out Raw Exposed Defeated

Ti of her desktop clock filled the room with sound She didn’t askI’d just said We sat in silence The tears finally stopped I finished the bottle of water The silence became uncomfortable

Even after drinking the water, ed to croak out

“For what?”

I uncurled fro down like that I guess I don’t knowI justI don’t know” I let out a shaky breath I didn’t want to think anymore I didn’t want to feel anymore I only wanted to climb in bed and shut out the world

“You don’t have to apologize for that Here is where you can get those things out, freely and unashamed”

I gave no reply, since I didn’t knohat to say Turning back, I checked the time We still had ten ive Picking up my purse, I stood Dr Carr did the same

“You still have some ti”

“Thanks, but I’m tired I’ll see you next week, Dr Carr”

My legs were lead as I walked to otten no relief, no freedo the drive to my parents’ house, I tried ame face on

Soon as I sawface, I wrapped my arms around her I buried my face in her shoulder and held on for dear life

“Sweetie, is everything all right?” she asked, returning