Page 34 (1/2)

Health conditions are an inevitable part of life, of aging Coely backward The question I soh of a pause, from chronic, invisible illness, fro else to occur All the space that is living

12 FUTURITY

When I was young, I never envisioned myself on this earth past my twenties I didn’t knohy—I just knew that futurity didn’t seem part of my inheritance Most in this country are confronted with the realities ofinto their sense of self As I grew, so diddecline, s seemed reversed

I’ve experienced how extre my condition is I’m aware of the statistics More than that, I’m aware of why my condition lends itself to those statistics I can understand fully why most with my condition end up jobless—the Atlantic cites an 85 percent uneher rates cited, as well I understand why joblessness is only the first concern, linked to homelessn

ess

I understand why people with et stuck in a cycle of hospitalizations, incarceration, and shelters, existing in a shadow universe People without the illness don’t see the linkages, how one aspect leads to the next to the next, to various forfrom one consequence of illness to another can be People without the illness, outside of the medical profession, and even many within it, have almost no sense of what schizophrenia means, of what it looks like, feels like, much less how to coexist successfully with those with the condition

As I experience symptoms in real time, amplified and more noticeable in periods when my health worsens, I can research how those sys now It’s exhausting, this cataloguing of the loss of my health, and yet it affirms for me what I’ve felt my entire life—how different I am from those around me, and how this difference has caused friction and conflict nearly always

Alogia, for exaative symptoms ofa narownverbally with others, beyond ets, until we’re in the company of others, that around others, I barely speak at all

When I used to attend, with hnut Sundays, I stayed silent, noticeably silent, e conversation Her friends didn’t know that these occasions were often the only social engageer—and that this absence of social engagement isn’t accidental, but purposeful, one of the only ways I can find to ameliorate my condition, despite the tremendous loneliness that accompanies such social isolation

My silence has always been a probleative intent onback hts for myself, when in reality, I am often too afraid to speak, not sure when and where to insertto surf, my movements are uncoordinated—I’m not quite sure when to throw myself up onto my elbows, push and stand, and so instead I lie passively, while the waves of conversation lap and tide, and I miss every appropriateto enter midstream

More than simple fear, I oftentimes am simply unable to verbalize—a sy robbed of the ability to speak races of s unable to voice inner objections

The negative and cognitive sy These synizes, or knows, are the ones that render me nearly nonfunctional so frequently The positive symptoms—the hallucinations, the delusions—are what keep me terrified of what could be

I have capabilities still I aood observer of the character of others—a trait of survival, I think, honed over a lifetime When you’re not able to speak easily, you’re at the e Others tend to fill those silences with their oords, their own assumptions, tend to insert their oills You become a mirror, where the other sees their own reflection and their own desires

I aood editor of others’ work When you’ve learned , you have an understanding of what a proper narrative should contain When you’ve spent a lifeti to translate your experience of the world to soht be, it’s easy to edit the work of others, to bring forward the coherence and

And I’s that are technical, precise I’ood teacher to those willing to be taught by me