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Josh rubs my shoulder

“So that’s what happened,” I rasp “Last Thanksgiving, Moo back to Sheppard Pratt Do ht if I told you…” I shakeI reht that if I told you that, you’d take it hard So I just ghosted, with a plan to get in touch in a feeeks I did a few sessions okay And every ti was a possible side effect But since it didn’t happen before, I guess I wasn’t worried

“I don’t know But I woke up one ti to Fairplay And I had your name on my arm” I feel him inhale I’ure out I had a stepbro surna you like crazy I would feel this clawing, anxious thing when I would watch you” I have to stop and s just re “I think I missed you,” I rasp, “but I just didn’t know”

I liftdown his cheeks He wipes at theet up and run—just so I don’t have to be this person anymore

“I don’t knoas before,” I rasp, “but I’ht not be who you were thinking Or what you would want in college” I s “I can tell fro fun And I can’t do that with the football…you know”

A few tears fall, and I wipe at theht “I’m not flowers and sunshine and that shit It seems like I didn’t tell you this story before Anyway” I wrap uess I just…thought I could go right back to you After the ECT I thought I could do it again But it wiped et the s, but that’s it”

Tears are dripping out ofdeep so I won’t break down “I feel sorry that I put you through not knowing That I figured it would all work out And never ain and look at Miller through the blur of ot involved with me” My voice cracks “Because on Snapchat, you seemed sad and all” I start to loseat me with his wet, hurt eyes “I didn’t mean to mess you up, too”

Josh

He keeps his emotions mostly under control as he tellswant it to be fake—and then he starts to lose it when he says he’s sorry he hurt me It’s quiet at first He puts his face in his hands, and I scoot closer, desperate to hold hiain

When I touch his arm, he tenses and looks up and he says, “Sorry,” and I notice that his eyes are odd They look dazed…like, unfocused

I realize he’s breathing pretty fast It re he used to do after he first woke frohtmare, where he’d kind of zone out

“Hey, Ez” I touch his shoulder lightly “Let’s go to my room, okay? That hit pretty hard for ain If it’s okay”

He nods once, and I can tell for sure that he’s not tracking Fuck I take his hand—his cla hand—and lead him to my bed, and he just stands there, so I lie down and beckon him onto the mattress with me He moves almost stiffly onto his back, but I can’t let that fly

I whisper, “We like to lie on our sides, facing one another Is that okay? Or do you wantspoon?”

“Either way,” heHis eyes look so dazed He’s shivering a little—shaking, I guess—and in that second, I can feel the full weight of how broken he is, and it’s so gut-wrenching I want to sob

Tears are dripping down his cheeks, and he’s so pale and haunted, but his eyes follow et onto my knees, and on his face there is a look of concern

“You don’t have to,” he starts

I lie down beside hi I’ve had—it gets driven away by this feeling where oes all warm and achy, and all I want to do is hold hiood