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As soon as we get into the shadows of the parking deck’s first floor, she turns back todown her cheeks Mascara dripping

"I don't want to do this right now," she says in a stern, I'd-rather-be-mad-than-cry voice

My stomach flips so hard, I feel sick

"Do what?" I rasp

She looks around There are a few students, none too close to us She steps closer to ht jab it into my chest

"Tell you that I'm disappointed," she says in a quiet voice "Tell you that I can't believe you've done sos you’ve done since November Mostly" —her voice shakes— "tell you I don't knoe can send you here if you can't get your head back on straight" Moh I noticed how you looked at hi sooner We were too—"

"Stop it"

"Perot overwhelmed, and then he—"

"I said stop talking about it!”

"I know it's my fault, and Carl's We were the adults in the house And I know you're hurting, Josh, and confused! But you can't—"

"I'h “You think I'm confused? I'm not I know exactly ent down, and it's not what you think You and Carl didn't know shit about him"

"Help me understand, then"

Tears start sliding down"He was messed up No—not that" I wipe my face "He wasn't messed up" He was perfect "People hurt hih His mom was—I think his mom messed him up And by the time I met him, it was done and I couldn't help him"

My throat feels too tight Then I'e Mo at me like she thinks I'm six years old and I just crashed my bike, and I don't need that

"If it was anybody's fault he left, it was ot too close to him, and I don't know if he liked it"

"He did like you, Josh I could always see it It wasn't that he didn't like you"

He said he lovedmy mom that

"Doesn't matter," I tell her "It's over now"

We do the whole tour, after we dry our eyes I can't eat the pizza they give us in the student portion of things On the way ho to sleep

I do okay faking things with mom—at least I think I do She seems upbeat e do dinner at the kitchen table with Carl He grilled burgers while we drove home

Finally I go upstairs, shower, and climb into my bed I pull his shirt out from beneath my pillow and unwrap the bottle of vodka inside it I drain the bottle dry, so I don't feel like I'm in my bed anymore