page35 (1/2)

ught her eye over the tiny horizon of our daughter's head "In the sky," I explained, "she's between her mother and her father"

SARA

IT'S RAINING

Not an auspicious beginning, I think I shuffleto look ? I a more than a mother, and I have not even done a very square job of that

"Mrs Fitzgerald?" the judge prompts

I take a deep breath, stare down at the gibberish in front ofup, I clear my throat, and start to read aloud "In this country we have a long legal history of allowing parents to make decisions for their children It's part of what the courts have always found to be the constitutional right to privacy And given all the evidence this court has heard--" Suddenly, there is a crash of lightning, and I drop all , I scramble to pick them up, but of course now they are out of order I try to rearrange what I have in front ofmakes sense

Oh, hell It's not what I need to say, anyway

"Your Honor," I ask, "can I start over?" When he nods, I turnbeside Campbell

"Anna," I tell her, "I love you I loved you before I ever saw you, and I will love you long after I'm not here to say it And I know that because I'm a parent, I'm supposed to have all the answers, but I don't I wonder every single day if I' I wonder if I know my children the way I think I do I wonder if I loseKate's"

I take a few steps forward "I know I juht cure Kate, but it's all I kno to do And even if you don't agree with ree with me, I want to be the one who says I told you so Ten years from noant to see your children on your lap and in your arms, because that's when you'll understand I have a sister, so I know--that relationship, it's all about fairness: you want your sibling to have exactly what you have--the sahetti, the sa a mother is completely different You want your child to have more than you ever did You want to build a fire underneath her and watch her soar It's bigger than words" I touch es to fit very neatly inside here"

I turn to Judge DeSalvo "I didn't want to come to court, but I had to The way the laorks, if a petitioner takes action--even if that's your own child--you must have a reaction And so I was forced to explain, eloquently, why I believe that I know better than Anna what is best for her When you get down to it, though, explaining what you believe isn't all that easy If you say that you believe sos--that you're still weighing the alternatives, or that you accept it as a fact I don't logically see how one single word can have contradictory definitions, but emotionally, I completely understand Because there are tiht, and there are other tiuess myself every step of the way

"Even if the court found in my favor today, I couldn't force Anna to donate a kidney No one could But would I beg her? Would I want to, even if I restrainedto Kate, and after hearing from Anna I am not sure what to believe; I never was I know, indisputably, only two things: that this lawsuit was never really about donating a kidneybut about having choices And that nobody ever really ives theht to do so"

Finally, I face Cao I used to be a lawyer But I'm not one anyhteen years in that capacity is harder than anything I ever had to do in a courtroo, Mr Alexander, you said that none of us is obligated to go into a fire and save soes if you're a parent and the person in that burning building is your child If that's the case, not only would everyone understand if you ran in to get your child--they'd practically expect it of you"

I take a deep breath "Inwas on fire, one of my children was in it--and the only opportunity to save her was to send in my other child, because she was the only one who knew the way Did I knoas taking a risk? Of course Did I realize itboth of them? Yes Did I understand that maybe it wasn't fair to ask her to do it? Absolutely But I also knew that it was the only chance I had to keep both of theal? Was it moral? Was it crazy or foolish or cruel? I don't know But I do knoas right"

Finished, I sit down at ht I wonder if it will ever let up

CAMPBELL

I GET TO MY FEET, look at my notecards, and--like Sara--toss theerald just said, this case isn't about Anna donating a kidney It isn't about her donating a skin cell, a single blood cell, a rope of DNA It's about a girl who is on the cusp of becoirl who is thirteen--which is hard, and painful, and beautiful, and difficult, and exhilarating A girl who ht now, and she ht now, but who deserves the chance to find out And ten years fro"

I walk toward the bench "We know that the Fitzgeralds were asked to do the impossible--make informed health-care decisions for two of their children, who had opposing eralds--don't knohat the right decision is, then the person who has to have the final say is the person whose body it iseven if that's a thirteen-year-old And ultimately, that too is what this case is about: the moment when perhaps a child knows better than her parents

"I know that when Anna made the choice to file this lawsuit, she did not do it for all the self-centered reasons you ht expect of a thirteen-year-old She didn't make this decision because she wanted to be like other kids her age She didn'tpoked and prodded She didn't make this decision because she was afraid of the pain"

I turn around, and sives her sister that kidney after all But what I think doesn't e DeSalvo, with all due respect, what you think doesn't erald think doesn't matter What Anna thinks does" I walk back towardto"

Judge DeSalvo calls for a fifteen-minute recess to render his decision, and I use it to walk the dog We circle the little square of green behind to the Garrahy building, with Vern keeping an eye on the reporters who are waiting for a verdict "Coe makes his fourth loop around, in search of the ulti"

But this turns out to not be entirely true A kid, no older than three or four, breaks away fro toward us "Puppy!" he yells He stretches out his hands in hot pursuit, and Judge steps closer to me

Histhrough a canine stage Can we pet him?"

"No," I say auto"

"Oh" The wohtens, pulls her son away "But you aren't blind"

I' clean, for once, for the first tih at yourself, don't you? "I'rin at her "He chases ambulances for me"

As Judge and I walk off, I'

When Judge DeSalvo cos a frahter, which is how I know that I've lost this case "One thing that has struck ins, "is that all of us in this courtroom have entered into a debate about the quality of life versus the sanctity of life Certainly the Fitzgeralds have always believed that having Kate alive and part of the family was crucial--but at this point the sanctity of Kate's existence has become completely intertwined with the quality of Anna's life, and it's my job to see whether those two can be separated"

He shakes his head "I'm not sure that any of us is qualified to decide which of those two is the hter Dena was killed when she elve years old by a drunk driver, and when I rushed to the hospital that night, I would have given anything for another day with her The Fitzgeralds have had fourteen years of being in that position--of being asked to give anything to keep their daughter alive a little bit longer I respect their decisions I ade I envy the fact that they even had these opportunities But as both attorneys have pointed out, this case is no longer about Anna and a kidney, it's about how these decisions get made and hoe decide who should make them"

He clears his throat "The answer is that there is no good answer So as parents, as doctors, as judges, and as a society, we fuht--because morals are more important than ethics, and love is more important than law"

Judge DeSalvo turns his attention to Anna, who shifts uncoently, "but she doesn't want to live like this, either And knowing that, and knowing the law, there's really only one decision I can make The sole person who should be allowed to make that choice is the very one who lies at the heart of the issue"

I exhale heavily

"And by that, I don't mean Kate, but Anna"

Beside ht up during these past few days has involved whether or not a thirteen-year-old is capable of e is the least likely variable here for basic understanding In fact, sootten the si away fro permission Anna," he asks, "will you please stand up?"

She looks at e DeSalvo says, "I' to declare you medically emancipated froh you will continue to live with theo to bed and what TV shows you can't watch and whether you have to finish your broccoli, with regards to any medical treatment, you have the last word" He turns toward Sara "Mrs Fitzgerald, Mr Fitzgerald--I' to order you to meet with Anna and her pediatrician and discuss the terms of this verdict so that the doctor understands he needs to deal directly with Anna And just so that she has additional guidance, should she need it, I' to ask Mr Alexander to assuhteen, so that hesoesting that these decisions should not bethat the final decision will rest with Anna alone" The judge pins his gaze on me "Mr Alexander, will you accept this responsibility?"

With the exception of Judge, I have never had to take care of anyone or anything before And noill have Julia, and I will have Anna "I'd be honored," I say, and I smile at her