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e way it was just an hour ago With everyone watching hi boeneral "I' for a ten-ht?"

How can helike this? And then I realize: it's what Kate does, too Maybe if God gives you a handicap, he ot a few extra doses of hue off

"Why don't you take the rest of the day, Counselor," Judge DeSalvo offers

"No, I'et to the bottom of this" He turns to the court reporter "Could you, uh, refresh my memory?"

She reads back the transcript, and Caitated, for the very first ti Kate asked you to file this lawsuit for medical emancipation?"

Again, I squirm "Not quite"

"Can you explain?"

"She didn't ask me to file the lawsuit"

"Then what did she ask you?"

I steal a glance at my mother She knows; she has to know Don't make me say it out loud

"Anna," Campbell presses, "what did she ask you?"

I shake e DeSalvo leans over "Anna, you're going to have to give us an answer to this question"

"Fine" The truth bursts out ofriver, now that the dam's washed away "She asked me to kill her"

The first thing that rong was that Kate had locked the door to our bedroom, when there wasn't really a lock, which meant she'd either pushed up furniture or pennied it shut "Kate," I yelled, banging, because I eaty and gross froe "Kate, this isn't fair"

I guess I h noise, because she opened up And that was the second thing: there was solanced around, but everything seemed to be in place--most importantly, none of my stuff had been messed with--and yet Kate still looked like she'd swilled a mystery

"What's your problem?" I asked, and then I went into the bathroory, the same boozy scent I associated with Jesse's aparth towels and trying to find the proof, no pun intended, and sure enough there was a half-empty bottle of whiskey hidden behind the boxes of tampons

"Looky here" I said, brandishing it and walking back into the bedrooe of blacke for a while, and then I saw Kate holding the pills

"What are you doing?"

Kate rolled over "Leave me alone, Anna"

"Are you crazy?"

"No," Kate said "I' to happen anyway I think I've fucked up everyone's life long enough, don't you?"

"But everyone's worked so hard just to keep you alive You can't kill yourself"

All of a sudden Kate started to cry "I know I can't"

It took me a few moments to realize this meant she'd already tried before

My ets up slowly "It's not true," she says, her voice stretched thin as glass "Anna, I don't knohy you'd say that"

My eyes fill up "Why would I make it up?"

She walks closer "Maybe youdramatic" She smiles in the pained way of people who really want to cry "Because if she was that upset, she would have told me"

"She couldn't tell you," I reply "She was too afraid if she killed herself she'd be killing you, too" I cannot catch round's gone beneath e for a few e DeSalvo answers, I a so hard I don't hear it "I don't want her to die, but I know she doesn't want to live like this, and I'ive her what she wants" I keep my eyes on my mother, even as she swiive her what she wants"

The next time it came up was aftera kidney "Don't do it," Kate said, when they were gone

I glanced at her "What are you talking about? Of course I' to do it"

We were getting undressed, and I noticed that we had picked the same pajamas--shiny satin ones printed with cherries As we slid into bed I thought we looked like we did as little kids, when our parents would dress us siht it was cute

"Do you think it would work?" I asked "A kidney transplant?"

Kate looked at ht switch "Don't do it," she repeated, and it wasn't until I heard her a second ti

My mother is a breath away from me, and in her eyes are all the mistakes she's ever made My father comes up and puts his arm around her shoulders "Come sit down," he whispers into her hair

"Your Honor," Ca to his feet "May I?"

He walks toward ht beside hi an hour ago How did he know for sure what Campbell really needed, and when?

"Anna, do you love your sister?"

"Of course"

"But you illing to take an action that ht kill her?"

Soo through this anyht it hat she wanted"

He goes silent; and I realize at that moment: he knows

Insidebreaks "It wasit hat I wanted, too"

We were in the kitchen, washing and drying the dishes "You hate going to the hospital," Kate said

"Well, duh" I put the forks and spoons, clean, back into their drawer

"I know you'd do anything to not have to go there anymore"

I glanced at her "Sure Because you'd be healthy"

"Or dead" Kate plunged her hands into the soapy water, careful not to look at o to your hockey cae in a whole different country You could do anything you want and never have to worry about me"

She pulled these exa, ashamed that they were even up there to be drawn out into the open If Kate was feeling guilty about being a burden, then I was feeling twice as guilty for knowing she felt that way For knowing I felt that way

We didn't talk after that I dried whatever she handed me, and we both tried to pretend we didn't know the truth: that in addition to the piece of me that's alanted Kate to live, there's another, horrible piece of me that sometimes wishes I were free

There, they understand: I am a monster I started this lawsuit for some reasons I'm proud of and many I'm not And now Campbell will see why I couldn't be a witness--not because I was scared to talk in front of everyone--but because of all these terrible feelings, some of which are too awful to speak out loud That I want Kate alive, but also want to be row up, even if Kate can't That Kate's death would be the worst thing that's ever happened to meand also the best

That sometimes, when I think about all this, I hate myself and just want to crawl back to where I was, to the person they want me to be

Now the whole courtroo at me, and I'm sure that the witness stand or nifying glass, you can see right down to the rotten core at the heart of o up in blue, bitter smoke Maybe I will disappear without a trace

"Anna," Campbell says quietly, "what made you think that Kate wanted to die?"

"She said she was ready"

He walks up until he is standing right in front of me "Isn't it possible that's the same reason she asked you to help her?"

I look up slowly, and unwrap this gift Campbell's just handed me What if Kate wanted to die, so that I could live? What if after all these years of saving Kate, she was only trying to do the same for me?

"Did you tell Kate you were going to stop being a donor?"

"Yes," I whisper

"When?"

"The night before I hired you"

"Anna, what did Kate say?"

Until now, I hadn't really thought about it, but Caotten very quiet, so quiet that I wondered if she'd fallen asleep And then she turned to me with all the world in her eyes, and a smile that crumbled like a fault line

I glance up at Campbell "She said thanks"

SARA

IT IS JUDGE DESALVO's IDEA to take a field trip of sorts, so that he can talk to Kate When we all reach the hospital, she is sitting up in bed, absently staring at the TV set that Jesse flicks through with the remote She is thin, her skin cast yellow, but she's conscious "The tin man," Jesse says, "or the scarecrow?"