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"And then Jesse got poison ivy and his eyes swelled shut"

"Excuse me," Campbell Alexander interrupts

"Sustained," Judge DeSalvo says "Where is this going, Counselor?"

We hadn't been going anywhere, and the place ound up ful, and still I wouldn't have traded that week for the world When you don't knohere you're headed, you find places no one else would ever think to explore "When Kate wasn't sick," Brian says slowly, carefully, "we've had soreat times"

"Don't you think Anna would one?"

Campbell is out of his seat, just as I'd expect "Objection!"

The judge holds up his hand, and nods to Brian for his answer

"We all will," he says

And in thateach other and poles apart, flip likeeach other ae suddenly see and pulse-to-pulse for the first ti hoe have walked this enor fireworks on television on a dozen New Year's Eves, three sleeping children wedged between us in our bed, pressed so tight that I can feel Brian's pride even though o are not touching

Suddenly it does not matter that he has moved out with Anna, that he has questioned soht, just the saets so bogged down in the details, you forget you are living it There is always another appointment to be , another uneventful day to be notched onto the wooden wall We have synchronized our watches, studied our calendars, existed in otten to step back and see e've accomplished

If we lose Kate today, ill have had her for sixteen years, and no one can take that away And ages fro back the picture of her face when she laughed or the feel of her hand inside mine or the perfect pitch of her voice, I will have Brian to say, Don't you remember? It was like this

The judge's voice breaks into erald, are you finished?"

There has never been a need for me to cross-exaotten are the questions

"Almost" I turn tohome?"

In the bowels of the court building are a sturdy row of vendingyou'd want to eat After Judge DeSalvo calls a recess, I wander down there, and stare at the Starbursts and the Pringles and the Cheetos trapped in their corkscrew cells

"The Oreos are your best shot," Brian says from behind me I turn around in time to see him feed the machine seventy-five cents "Siin their suicide plunge to the bottom of the machine

He leads me to the table, scarred and stained by people who have carved their eternal initials and graffitied their inner thoughts across the top "I didn't knohat to say to you on the stand," I adood parents?" I ao Of Kate, who I could not fix Of Anna

"I don't know," Brian says "Does anyone?"

He hands e of Oreos When I open ry, Brian pushes a cookie inside It is rich and rough against ue; suddenly I am famished Brian brushes the crumbs from my lips as if I am made of fine china I let hi this sweet

Brian and Anna ht We both tuck her in; we both kiss her Brian goes to take a shower In a little while, I will go to the hospital, but right now I sit down across fro to lecture me?" she asks

"Not the way you think" I finger the edge of one of Kate's pillows "You're not a bad person because you want to be yourself"

"I never--"

I hold up a hand "What I hts, they're human And just because you turn out differently than everyone's iined you would doesn't ets teased in one school irl there, just because no one has any other expectations of her Or a person who goes to ht find out that what he really wants to be is an artist instead" I take a deep breath, and shakeany sense?"

"Not really"

Thatthat you remind me of someone"

Anna comes up on an elbow "Who?"

"Me," I say

When you have been with your partner for so love co-eared and white-creased, the trail you recognize so well you could draw it by heart and for this very reason keep it with you on journeys at all times And yet, when you least expect it, one day you open your eyes and there is an unfae point that wasn't there before, and you have to stop and wonder ifyou have

Brian lies beside , just puts his hand on the valleyand bittersweet This I expect, but not the next--he bites down on h a little, ize He leans forward, licks it off

It makes me jump inside This is Brian, and this is not Brian, and both of these things are reue over the blood, copper and slick I open like an orchid, make my body a cradle, and feel his breath travel down my throat, over my breasts He rests his head for a moment on my belly, and just asof the faht, a ritual, when I was pregnant

Then he ain He rises over ht and heat We are a study of contrasts--hard to soft, fair to dark, frantic to s about the fit of us that ht without the other We are a Mobius strip, two continuous bodies, an ile

"We're going to lose her," I whisper, and even I don't know if I' about Kate or about Anna

Brian kisses me "Stop," he says

After that we don't talk anymore That's safest

WEDNESDAY

Yet from those flames,

No light, but rather darkness visible

--JOHN MILTON, Paradise Lost

JULIA

IZZY IS SITTING IN THE LIVING ROOM when I co run "You okay?" she asks

"Yeah" I unlace my sneakers, wipe the sweat off my forehead "Why?"

"Because nor at 4:30 AM"

"Well, I had soo into the kitchen, but the Braun coffeerammed to have my hazelnut ready at this very , and press some of her buttons, but the whole LED display is shot "Da the cord out of the wall "This isn't old enough to be broken"

Izzy comes up beside me and fiddles with the system "Is she under warranty?"

"I don't know I don't care All I knohen you pay for soive you a cup of coffee, you deserve to get your fucking cup of coffee" I slalass carafe so hard it breaks in the sink Then I slide down against the cabinets and start to cry

Izzy kneels down next to me "What did he do?"

"The sa, Iz," I sob "I am so damn stupid"

She puts her arests "Botulism? Castration? You pick"

That makes me smile a little "You'd do it, too"

"Only because you'd do it right back for me"

I lean againstwasn't supposed to strike in the same place twice"

"Sure it does," Izzy tells me "But only if you're too dumb to move"

The first person to greet e the dog He co around a corner with his ears flattened, no doubt running away from the sound of his owner's raised voice "Hey," I say, soothing, but Judge wants none of it He latches on to the botto bill, I swear it--and starts to drag me toward the fray

I can hear Campbell before I turn the corner "I wasted time, and manpower, and you knohat, that's not the worst of it I wasted ment about a client"

"Yeah, well, you aren't the only one who judged wrong," Anna argues back "I hired you because I thought you had a spine" She pushes past me "Asshole," she mutters under her breath

In that moment, I remember the way I felt when I woke up alone on that boat: Disappointed Drifting Angry atinto this situation

Why the hell wasn't I angry at Campbell?

Judge leaps up on Ca at his chest with his paws "Get down!" he orders, and then he turns around and sees me "You weren't supposed to hear all that"

"I'll bet"

He sits heavily on a bridge chair in the conference room and passes his hand over his face "She refuses to take the stand"

"Well, for God's sake, Ca room, much less in a cross-exam What did you