page23 (2/2)

"I guess we just get used to taking the same turns," he said, but I wasn't satisfied

"Then what about the first tio somewhere?"

"Well," he said, "we get directions"

But what I want to knoho got them the very first ti? "Dad?" I ask, "is it true that you can use stars like a map?"

"Yeah, if you understand celestial navigation"

"Is it hard?" I' maybe I should learn A backup plan, for all those ti in circles

"It's pretty jazzy ure out its position using a nautical alure out what you think the altitude should be and what direction the star should be in based on where you think you are, and compare the altitude you measured with the one you calculated Then you plot this on a chart, as a line of position You get several lines of position to cross, and that's where you go" My father takes one look at hs "Never leave home without your GPS"

But I bet I could figure it out; it isn't really all that confusing You head toward the place where all those different positions cross, and you hope for the best

If there was a religion of Annaism, and I had to tell you how huo like this: in the beginning, there was nothing at all but thethe day, but there was sohter that seery, thinner and thinner, until she was just a slice of herself, and her tips were as sharp as a knife By accident, because that is the way ht and out spilled a million stars, like a fountain of tears

Horrified, the moon tried to s theot fatter and rounder But mostly it didn't, because there were just so ht that the sun got jealous He invited the stars to his side of the world, where it was always bright What he didn't tell theh, was that in the daytime, they'd never be seen So the stupid ones leaped froht of their own foolishness

The moon did her best She carved each of these blocks of sorrow into aout so that her other stars wouldn't fall She spent the rest of her ti on to whatever scraps she had left

BRIAN

JUST BEFORE SEVEN AM on Sunday, an octopus walks into the station Well, it is actually a wo like that, distinctions hardly ese dog in her multiple arms "You have to help na, whose house was gutted by a kitchen fire a few days ago

She plucks at her tentacles "This is the only clothing I have left A Halloween costu in a U-Store-It locker in Taunton with my Peter Paul and Mary album collection"

I gently sit her down in the chair across frona, I know your house is uninhabitable--"

"Uninhabitable? It's wrecked!"

"I can put you in touch with a shelter And if you like, I can speak to your insurance cos"

She lifts one ars, rise in unison "I don't have ho the worst"

I stare at her for a moment I try to remember what it is like to be taken aback by the very possibility of disaster

When I get to the hospital, Kate is lying on her back, holding tight to a stuffed bear she's had since she was seven She's hooked up to one of those patient-ed morphine drips, and her thuh she is fast asleep

One of the chairs in the room folds out into a cot with a mattress thin as a wafer; this is where Sara is curled "Hey," she says, pushing her hair out of her eyes "Where's Anna?"

"Still sleeping like only a kid can Hoas Kate's night?"

"Not bad She was in a little pain between two and four"

I sit down on the edge of her cot "It ht"

When I look into Sara's eyes, I see Jesse--they have the sa, the same features I wonder if Sara looks at me and thinks of Kate I wonder if that hurts

It is hard to believe that once, this woth of Route 66, and never ran out of things to say Our conversations now are an economy of facts, full of blue chip details and insider information

"Do you remember that fortune-teller?" I ask When she looks at"We were out in the asand you wouldn't let me leave you in the car while I looked for a service station?"

Ten days fro to findout my insides, Sara had said, and she'd fallen into step beside as station It was run by an old guy and his sister, who advertised herself as a psychic Let's do it, Sara begged, but a reading cost five bucks and I only had ten Then we'll get half the gas, and ask the psychic e can expect to run out the next time, Sara said, and like always, she convinced me

Madanes was the kind of blind that scares children, with cataract eyes that looked like an empty blue sky She put her knobby hands on Sara's face to read her bones, and said that she saw three babies and a long life, but that it wouldn't be good enough What's that supposed to nes explained that fortunes were like clay, and could be reshaped at any time But you could only remake your own future, not anyone else's, and for soh

She put her hands on : Save yourself

She told us ould run out of gas again just over the Colorado border, and we did

Now, in the hospital rooo to Nevada?" she asks Then she shakes her head "We need to talk If Anna is really going through with this hearing on Monday, then I need to review your testimony"

"Actually" I look down atto speak on Anna's behalf"

"What?"

With a quick glance over , I doand hard about this one And if Anna's through being a donor for Kate, we've got to respect that"

"If you testify for Anna, the judge is going to say that at least one of her parents is capable of supporting this petition, and he's going to rule in her favor"

"I know that," I say "Why else would I do it?"

We stare at each other, speechless, unwilling to admit what lies at the end of each of these roads

"Sara," I ask finally, "what do you want from me?"

"I want to look at you and remeo back, Brian I want you to take me back"

But she is not the woman I used to know, the wo holes, who read aloud the classifieds of lonely cowboys seeking woht, that she would lovein the sky

To be fair, I am not the same man The one who listened The one who believed her

SARA

2001

BRIAN AND I ARE SITTING ON THE COUCH, sharing sections of the newspaper, when Anna walks into the living rooet ht now?"

"Why?" we say simultaneously

She rubs her sneaker into the carpet "I need a little cash"

Brian folds the national news section "I didn't think Gap jeans had gotten quite that expensive"

"I knew you'd be like this," she says, ready to huff away

"Hang on" I sit up, rest my elbows on my knees "What is it you want to buy?"

"What difference does it make?"

"Anna," Brian responds, "we're not forking over six hundred bucks without knohat it's for"

She weighs this for aon eBay"

My ten-year-old surfs eBay?

"Okay," she sighs "It's goaltender leg pads"

I look at Brian, but he doesn't seem to understand, either "For hockey?" he says

"Well, duh"

"Anna, you don't play hockey," I point out, and when she blushes, I realize this may not be the case at all

Brian presses her into an explanation "A couple of ht in front of the hockey rink A bunch of guys were practicing, but their goalie had mono, and the coach said he'd pay me five bucks to stand in net and block shots I borrowed the sick kid's equip isI wasn't that bad at it I liked it So I kept co back" Anna smiles shyly "The coach asked me to join the teairl on it, ever But I have to have my own equipment"

"Which costs 614?"

"And ninety-six cents That's just the leg pads, though I still need a chest protector and catcher and a glove and a mask" She stares at us expectantly

"We have to talk about it," I tell her

Anna ures, and walks out of the room

"Did you know she was playing hockey?" Brian asks hter has been hiding from us

We are about to leave the house to watch Anna playing hockey for the first tis "Not when I look l