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ike this"

She has an angry red rash all over her cheeks, palms, soles, and chest, and a moon face, courtesy of the steroids she takes to treat it Her skin is rough and thickened

These are the calling cards of graft-versus-host disease, which Kate developed after her bone one, flaring up e least expect it Bone an, and like a heart or a liver, a body can reject it But soins to reject the body it's been put in

The good news is that if that happens, all the cancer cells are under siege, too--soraft-versus-leukey: the chronic diarrhea, the jaundice, the loss of range ofand sclerosis wherever there's connective tissue I am so accustoraft-versus-host disease flares up this badly, I let Kate stay home from school She is thirteen, and appearance is paramount I respect her vanity, because there is so little of it

But I cannot leave her alone in the house, and we have promised Anna we'll come watch her play "This is really important to your sister"

In response, Kate flops onto the couch and pulls a throw pillow over her face

Without saying another word I walk to the hall closet and pull a variety of iteloves to Kate, then jam the hat on her head and wind the scarf around her nose and mouth so that only her eyes are visible "It'll be cold in the rink," I say, in a voice that leaves no roo but acceptance

I barely recognize Anna, stuffed and trussed and tied into equip from the coach's nephew You cannot tell, for exairl on the ice You cannot tell that she is two years younger than every other player out there

I wonder if Anna can hear the cheering through her hel toward her that she blocks it all out, concentrating instead on the scrape of the puck and the smack of the sticks

Jesse and Brian sit on the edge of their seats; even Kate--so reluctant to cooalie, compared to Anna, moves in slowfroht wing, who skates for broke, his blades slicing through the roar of the cheering crowd Anna steps forward, sure of where the puck is going a moment before it arrives, her knees bent in, her elbows pointed out

"Unbelievable," Brian says to oalie"

That much, I could have told him Anna saves, every time

That night Kate wakes up with blood strea out of her nose, her rectum, and the sockets of her eyes I have never seen so much blood, and even as I try to stanch the floonder how much of it she can stand to lose By the tiitated, finally slipping into unconsciousness The staff pump her full of plasma, blood, and platelets to replace the lost blood, which seeive her IV fluids to prevent hypovolemic shock, and intubate her They take CT scans of her brain and her lungs to see how far the bleeding has spread

In spite of all the tiht, all the times Kate's relapsed with sudden symptoms, Brian and I know it has never been quite this bad A nosebleed is one thing; system failure is another Twice now, she's had cardiac arrhyths, and kidneys fro the flow they need to work

Dr Chance takes us into the little lounge at the end of the pediatric ICU floor It is painted with srowth chart, a four-foot-tall inchwor Can I Grow?

Brian and I sit very still, as if ill be rewarded for good behavior "Arsenic?" Brian repeats "Poison?"

"It's a very new therapy," Dr Chance explains "You get it intravenously, for twenty-five to sixty days To date, we haven't effected a cure with it That's not to say it ht not happen in the future, but at the moment, we don't even have five-year survival curves--that's ho the drug is As it is, Kate's exhausted cord blood, allogeneic transplant, radiation, chemo, and ATRA She's lived ten years past what any of us would have expected"

I findalready "Do it," I say, and Brian looks down at his boots

"We can try it But in all likelihood, the he will still beat out the arsenic," Dr Chance tells us

I stare at the growth chart on the wall Did I tell Kate I loved her before I put her to bed last night? I cannot remember I cannot remember at all

Shortly after two AM, I lose Brian He slips out when I a asleep beside Kate's bed and doesn't come back for over an hour I ask for him at the nurse's desk; I search the cafeteria and the men's room, all empty Finally I locate him at the end of the hallway, in a tiny atrium that was naht and air and plastic plants that a neutropenic patient could enjoy He sits on an ugly brown corduroy couch, writing furiously with a blue crayon on a piece of scrap paper

"Hey," I say quietly, reether on the floor of the kitchen, crayons spilled like wildflowers between them "Trade you a yellow for your blue"

Brian glances up, startled "Is--"

"Kate's fine Well, she's the saiven her the first induction of arsenic She has also given her two blood transfusions, to

"Maybe we should bring Kate home," Brian says

"Well, of course we--"

"I mean now" He steeples his hands "I think she'd want to die in her own bed"

That word, between us, explodes like a grenade "She isn't going to--"

"Yes, she is" He looks at , Sara She will die, either tonight or tomorrow or maybe a year from noe're really lucky You heard what Dr Chance said Arsenic's not a cure It just postpones what's co"

My eyes fill up with tears "But I love her," I say, because that is reason enough

"So do I Tooon falls out of his hands and lands at my feet; before he can reach it I pick it up It is full of tearstains, of cross-outs She loved the way it sin ru There are notes on the side, too: Favorite color: pink Favorite tis Are, over and over, and still knows it by heart

All the hair stands up on the back of y?"

By now, Brian is crying, too "If I don't do it noon't be able to when it's really time"

I shake my head "It's not time"

I call"I woke you," I say, realizing the ets on the phone that for her, for everyone norht

"Is it Kate?"

I nod, even though she cannot hear that "Zanne?"

"Yeah?"

I close my eyes, feel the tears squeeze out

"Sara, what's the matter? Do you want me to come down there?"

It is hard to speak around the enormous pressure in my throat; truth expands until it can choke you As kids, Zanne's bedrooht about leaving the light on through the night I wanted it burning; she didn't Put a pillow over your head, I used to tell her You can ht

"Yes," I say, sobbing freely now "Please"

Against all odds, Kate survives for ten days on intense transfusions and arsenic therapy On the eleventh day of her hospitalization, she slips into a coil until she wakes up And I do this for exactly forty-five minutes, until I receive a phone call from the principal of Jesse's school

Apparently, the h school science laboratory in small containers of oil, because of its volatile reaction with air Apparently, it is water-reactive, too, creating hydrogen and heat Apparently, h to realize this, which is why he stole the sample, flushed it down the toilet, and exploded the school's septic tank

After he is expelled for three weeks by the principal, a man who has the decency to ask after Kate while basically telling me that my eldest is destined for the State Penitentiary, Jesse and I drive back to the hospital "Needless to say, you're grounded"

"Whatever"

"Until you're forty"

Jesse slouches, and if it is possible, his brows knit even ave up on him I wonder hen Jesse's history is not by any stretch as disappointing as his sister's

"The principal's a dick"

"You knohat, Jess? The world's full of the"

He glares atRed Sox and somehow turn it back to Kate"

We pull into the hospital parking lot, but I make no move to shut off the car Rain pelts the windshield "We're all pretty gifted at that Or were you blowing up the septic tank for some other reason?"