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Julia tries to push me out the door

"All right I'm sorry I didn't mean to cut you off today in the office Butit was an eency"

She stares at 's for?"

"I didn't" When she turns, Judge and I follow her deeper into the aparterald You were right--before I took out a restraining order against her mother, I needed to talk to her"

"And?"

I think back to the two of us, sitting on that striped couch, stretching a web of trust between us "I think we're on the salass of white wine on the kitchen counter "Why yes, I'd love some," I say

She shrugs "It's in Smilla"

The fridge, of course For its sense of snow When I walk there and take out the bottle, I can feel her trying not to set that I know you"

"Knew," she corrects

"Then educatefor fifteen years?" I nod down the hallway toward Izzy's rooht occurs to me, and before I can even voice it Julia answers

"My brothers all becairls to go to college, and figured attending Wheeler senior year et a partial scholarship there; Izzy didn't My parents could only afford to send one of us to private school"

"Did she go to college?"

"RISD," Julia says "She's a jewelry designer"

"A hostile jewelry designer"

"Having your heart broken can do that" Our eyes meet, and Julia realizes what she's said "She just moved in today"

My eyes canvass the apartazine, a La-Z-Boy chair, anything telltale andused to a roommate?"

"I was living alone before, Ca" She looks at lass "How about you?"

"I have six wives, fifteen children, and an assortment of sheep"

Her lips curve "People like you always "

"Oh yeah, you're a real waste of space on the planet Harvard undergrad, Harvard Law, a bleeding heart guardian ad litem--"

"How'd you knohere I went to law school?"

"Judge DeSalvo," I lie, and she buys it

I wonder if Julia feels like it has beenat this counter with me feels as effortless for her as it does forup an unfah it, only to realize it is a melody you'd once learned by heart, one you can play without even trying

"I didn't think you'd becouardian ad litem," I admit

"Neither did I" Julia s on a soapbox in Boston Coainst a patriarchal society Unfortunately, you can't pay a landlord in doglances at me "Of course, I also mistakenly believed you'd be President of the United States by now"

"I inhaled," I confess "Had to set ured you'd be living in the suburbs, doing the soccer uy"

Julia shakes her head "I think you're confusing me with Muffy or Bitsie or Toto or whatever the hell the nairls in Wheeler were"

"No I just thought thatthat I uy"

There is a thick, viscous silence "You didn't want to be that guy," Julia says finally "You made that pretty clear"

That's not true, I want to argue But how else would it look to her, when afterward, I wanted nothing to do with her When, afterward, I acted just like everyone else "Do you rein

"I re, Campbell," she interrupts "If I didn't, this wouldn't be so hard"

My pulse juets to his feet and pushes his snout intocould hurt Julia, who seemed to be so free I had hoped that I could be as lucky

I was mistaken on both counts

ANNA

IN OUR LIVING ROOM we have a whole shelf devoted to the visual history of our family Everyone's baby pictures are there, and some school head shots, and then various photos from vacations and birthdays and holidays They make me think of notches on a belt or scratches on a prison wall--proof that ti in limbo

There are double frales, 8 x 10s, 4 x 6s They are lass mosaic I pick up one of Jesse--he's about two, in a cowboy costu down the pike

There is Kate with hair and Kate all bald; one of Kate as a baby sitting on Jesse's lap; one of e of a pool There are pictures of o from infant to about ten years old in one fell swoop

Maybe it's because I was the third child, and they were sick and tired of keeping a catalog of life Maybe it's because they forgot

It's nobody's fault, and it's not a big deal, but it's a little depressing all the same A photo says, You were happy, and I wanted to catch that A photo says, You were so i else to come watch

My father calls at eleven o'clock to ask if I want hi to stay at the hospital," he explains "But if you don't want to be alone in the house, you can sleep at the station"

"No, it's okay," I tell hi"

"Right," my father says "Jesse" We both pretend that this is a reliable backup plan

"How's Kate?" I ask

"Still pretty out of it They've got her drugged up" I hear hiins, but then there is a shrill bell in the background "Honey, I've got to go" He leaves me with an earful of dead air

For a second I just hold the phone, picturingup the puddle of pants by their suspenders I i like Aladdin's cave, and the engine screaer seat Every tioes to work, he has to put out fires

It's just the encourage a sweater, I leave the house and head for the garage

There was this kid in ot zits on top of his zits; he had a pet rat named Orphan Annie; and once in science class he puked into the fish tank No one ever talked to hiious But then one sunosed with MS After that, no one was mean to Jimmy anymore If you passed him in the hall, you smiled If he sat next to you at the lunch table, you nodded hello It was as if being a walking tragedy canceled out ever having been a geek

Froirl with the sick sister All iven me extra lollipops; principals have known ht mean to me

It makes me wonder how I'd be treated if I were like everyone else Maybe I'm a pretty rotten person, not that anyone would ever have the guts to tell ly or stupid but they have to be nice because it could be the circumstances of my life that make me that way

Itnow is just my true nature

The headlights of another car bounce off the rearview les around Jesse's eyes He drives with one wrist on the wheel, lazy He needs a haircut, in a big way "Your car smells like smoke," I say

"Yeah But it covers the aroma of spilled whiskey" His teeth flash in the dark "Why? Is it bothering you?"

"Kind of"

Jesse reaches across love cohts up, and blows sh he isn't

"Can I have one?"

"One what?"

"A cigarette" They are so white they seelow

"You want a cigarette?" Jesse cracks up

"I'," I say

Jesse raises one brow, and then turns the wheel so sharply I think he ht roll the Jeep We wind up in a huff of road dust on the shoulder Jesse turns on the interior lights and shakes the pack so that one cigarette shimmies out

It feels too delicate between ers, like the fine bone of a bird I hold it the way I think a draht to, between the vise of ers I put it up to my lips

"You have to light it first" Jesse laughs, and he sparks up the Zippo

There is no freaking way I' into a flaarette "You do it for me," I say

"Nope If you're gonna learn, you're gonna learn it all" He flicks the lighter again

I touch the cigarette to the burn, suck in hard the way I have seen Jesse do It h so forcefully that for aat the base of oes to pieces and plucks the cigarette out of s and then tosses it out the

"Nice try," he says

My voice is a sandpit "It's like licking a barbecue"

While I work on reain "What made you want to?"

I shrug "I figured I ht as well"

"If you'd like a checklist of depravity, I can lances over at "

By now he's pulled into the hospital's parking lot "I', either," I point out

He turns off the ignition but doesn't ht about the dragon guarding the cave?"

I narrow lish"

"Well, I' Mom's asleep about five feet away from Kate"

Oh, shit It is not that I think my mother would throw me out, but she certainly won't leave ht now that's what I wantKate i