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sn't going to make you feel better"

There's really no way to explain why I need to know that she's okay, at least now, even though I have taken steps that will put an end to that

For once, though, someone seems to understand Jesse stares out theof the car "Leave it to me," he says

We were eleven and fourteen, and ere training for the Guinness Book of World Records Surely there had never been two sisters who did si that their cheeks went hard as plu but red Kate had the shape of a pixie, all noodle arround and kicked up her feet, it looked as delicate as a spider walking a wall Me, I sort of defied gravity with a thud

We balanced in silence for a few seconds "I wish my head was flatter," I said, as I felt my eyebrows scrunch down "Do you think there's a man who'll come to the house to time us? Or do we just mail a videotape?"

"I guess they'll let us know" Kate folded her ar the carpet

"Do you think we'll be famous?"

"We et on the Today show They had that eleven-year-old kid who could play the piano with his feet" She thought for a second "Mo out a "

"That's not true Why would anyone push a piano out a ?"

"It is true You ask her And they weren't taking it out, they were putting it in" She crossed her legs against the wall, so that it looked like she was just sitting upside down "What do you think is the best way to die?"

"I don't want to talk about this," I said

"Why? I'" When I frowned, she said, "Well, you are" Then she grinned "I just happen to be ifted at it than you are"

"This is a stupid conversation" Already, it wasmy skin itch in places I kneould never be able to scratch

"Maybe an airplane crash," Kate oing downbut then it happens and you're just powder How coe to find clothes in trees, and those black boxes?"

By nowto pound "Shut up, Kate"

She crawled down the wall and sat up, flushed "There's just sleeping through it as you croak, but that's kind of boring"

"Shut up," I repeated, angry that we had only lasted about twenty-two seconds, angry that noere going to have to try for a record all over again I tipped ain and tried to clear the knot of hair out ofabout dying"

"Liar Everyone thinks about dying"

"Everyone thinks about you dying," I said

The rooo for a different record--how long can two sisters hold their breath?

Then a twitchy smile crossed her face "Well," Kate said "At least now you're telling the truth"

Jesse gives me a twenty-dollar bill for cab fare hoo through with this, he isn't going to be driving back We take the stairs up to the eighth floor instead of the elevator, because they let us out behind the nurse's station, not in front of it Then he tucks me inside a linen closet filled with plastic pillows and sheets stamped with the hospital's name "Wait," I blurt out, when he's about to leaveto knohen it's time?"

He starts to laugh "You'll know, trust me"

He takes a silver flask out of his pocket--it's one o--screws off the cap, and pours whiskey all over the front of his shirt Then he starts to walk down the hall Well, ould be a loose approximation--Jesse slams like a billiard ball into the walls and knocks over an entire cleaning cart "Ma?" he yells out "Ma, where are you?"

He isn't drunk, but he sure as hell can do a great imitation It makes me wonder about the times I have looked out ht and seen hi into the rhododendrons--maybe that was all for show, too

The nurses swar to subdue a boy half their age and three tirabs the upper a crash so loud it rings inlike an operator's switchboard behind the nurse's desk, but all three of the night-duty ladies are doing their best to hold Jesse dohile he kicks and flails

The door to Kate's room opens, and bleary-eyed, my mother steps out She takes a look at Jesse, and for a second her whole face is frozen with the realization that, in fact, things can get worse Jesse swings his head toward her, a great big bull, and his features reets, and he smiles loosely up at her

"I am so sorry," my mother says to the nurses She closes her eyes as Jesse stuht and throws his sloppy arms around her

"There's coffee in the cafeteria," one nurse suggests, and my mother is too embarrassed to even answer her She just moves toward the elevator banks with Jesse attached to her like a mussel on a crusty hull, and pushes the down button over and over in the fruitless hope that it will actually make the doors open faster

When they leave, it is almost too easy Some of the nurses hurry off to check on the patients who've rung in; others settle back behind their desk, trading hushed coame They never look my way as I sneak out of the linen closet, tiptoe down the hall, and let myself into my sister's hospital room

One Thanksgiving when Kate was not in the hospital, we actually pretended to be a regular faiant balloon fell prey to a freak wind and wound up wrapped around a NYC traffic light We ht the turkey's wishbone out to the table, and we fought over ould be granted the right to snap it Kate and I were given the honors Before I got a good grip, my mother leaned close and whispered into ht and thought hard of re to ask for a personal CD player, and got a nasty satisfaction out of the fact that I did not win the tug-of-war

After we ate, a the dishes She came outside when Jesse and I had already scored twice "Tell " She didn't have to say anything else--we'd all seen Kate tu uncontrollably like a sick one

"Aw, Sara" My dad turned up the wattage on his set sacked"

He swaggered over toand slow that hbors would see When he lifted his head, my mother's eyes were a color I had never seen before and don't think I have ever seen again "Trust me," he said, and then he threw the football to Kate

What I reround bit back when you sat on it--the first hint of winter I re tackled by ot none of the weight and all of his heat I re equally for both teams

And I re in the way--an expression of absolute shock on her face as it landed in the cradle of her arms and Dad yelled her on to the touchdown She sprinted, and nearly had it, but then Jesse took a running leap and sla her underneath him

In that s splayed, un at Jesse "What the hell is the matter with you!"

"I forgot!"

My mother: "Where does it hurt? Can you sit up?"

But when Kate rolled over, she was sreat"

My parents looked at each other Neither of them understood like I did, like Jesse did--that no matter who you are, there is some part of you that alishes you were soet that wish, it's a ot," Kate said to nobody, and she lay on her back, bea up at the cold hawkeye sun

Hospital roo panel behind the bed in the case of catastrophe, a runway strip so that the nurses and doctors can find their way I have seen Kate a hundred tie She always looks smaller than I remember

I sit down as gently as I can The veins on Kate's neck and chest are a road o anywhere I trick ue leukeh her system

When she opens her eyes, I nearly fall off the bed; it's an Exorcist ht at me I have not seen her look this scared since ere little, and Jesse convinced us that an old Indian ghost had come back to claim the bones buried by mistake under our house

If you have a sister and she dies, do you stop saying you have one? Or are you always a sister, even when the other half of the equation is gone?

I crawl onto the bed, which is narrow, but still big enough for both of us I rest my head on her chest, so close to her central line that I can see the liquid dripping into her Jesse is wrong--I didn't come to see Kate because it would make me feel better I came because without her, it's hard to remember who I am