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"Norans hold up, you can potentially reinduce the patient into re their body, but you knoill respond to treativen therapy, you usually can't rely upon it again And to date, there's only so much we can do"

"Are you saying," Brian ss "Are you saying she's going to die?"

"I'uarantees"

"So what do you do?"

A different nurse answers "Kate will start a week of chemotherapy, in the hopes that we can kill off the diseased cells and put her into re, which we'll try to keep to a minimum with antiemetics She'll lose her hair"

At this, a tiny cry escapes fro, and yet it's the banner that will let others knohat's wrong with Kate Only six lets curled like coins on the floor of the SuperCuts

"She ood chance that, with her own iet an infection that will require hospitalization Chemo may cause developmental delays, as well She'll have a course of consolidation chemotherapy about teeks after that, and then a few courses of maintenance therapy The exact nuet from periodic bone marrow aspirations"

"Then what?" Brian asks

"Then atch her," Dr Chance replies "With APL, you'll want to be vigilant for signs of relapse She'll have to coh, or infection And as far as further treatet Kate's body producing healthy bone marrow In the unlikely event that we achieve molecular remission with chemo, we can retrieve Kate's own cells and reinstill theous harvest If she relapses, we may try to transplant someone else's marrow into Kate to produce blood cells Does Kate have any siblings?"

"A brother," I say A thought dawns, a horrible one "Could he have this, too?"

"It's very unlikely But he eneic transplant If not, we'll put Kate on the national registry for MUD--aa transplant fro one froreatly increases"

The information is endless, a series of darts thrown so fast I cannot feel theive your child up to us, because otherwise she's going to die For every answer they give us, we have another question

Will her hair grow back?

Will she ever go to school?

Can she play with friends?

Did this happen because of where we live?

Did this happen because of e are?

"What will it be like," I hear myself ask, "if she dies?"

Dr Chance looks at me "It depends on what she succumbs to," he explains "If it's infection, she'll be in respiratory distress and on a ventilator If it's he consciousness If it's organ failure, the characteristics will vary depending on the system in distress Often there's a combination of all of these"

"Will she knohat's happening," I ask, hat I really mean is, Hoill I survive this?

"Mrs Fitzgerald," he says, as if he has heard my unspoken question, "of the twenty children here today, ten will be dead in a few years I don't knohich group Kate will be in"

To save Kate's life, part of her has to die That's the purpose of chemotherapy--to wipe out all the leukemic cells To this end, a central line has been placed beneath Kate's collarbone, a three-pronged port that will be the entry point for multiple medication administrations, IV fluids, and blood draws I look at the tubes sprouting from her thin chest and think of science fiction movies

She has already had a baseline EKG, to make sure her heart can withstand chemo She's had dexas causes conjunctivitis She's had blood drawn from her central line, to test for renal and liver function

The nurse hangs the infusion bags on the IV pole and smoothes Kate's hair "Will she feel it?" I ask

"Nope Hey, Kate, look here" She points to the bag of Daunorubicin, covered with a dark bag to protect it frohtly colored stickers she's helped Kate er with a Post-it note on his: Jesus saves Chemo scores

This is what starts coursing through her veins: the Daunorubicin, 50in a D5W infusion, a continuous twenty-four-hour IV; Allopurinol, 92 oing on inside her I picture shining arh her pores

They tell us Kate will et sick within a few days, but it takes only two hours before she starts throwing up Brian pushes the call button, and a nurse colan," she says, and she disappears

When Kate isn't vo her half on my lap The nurses do not have time to nurse Short-staffed, they administer antiemetics in the IV; they stay for a few moments to see how Kate responds--but inevitably they are called elsewhere to another eency and the rest falls to us Brian, who has to leave the rooets a sto her forehead, holding her thin shoulders, dabbing tissues around her h this," he mur to himself

And I, too, ari the e the beachhead, you can ignore the tsuna

Try it any other way, and you'll go crazy

Brian brings Jesse to the hospital for his blood test: a sier stick He needs to be restrained by Brian and two male residents; he screams down the hospital I stand back, and crossover procedures two days ago

Some doctor will look at this sample of blood, and will be able to analyze six proteins, floating invisibly If these six proteins are the same as Kate's, then Jesse will be an HLA match--a potential donor for bone marrow for his sister How bad can the odds be, I think, to match six times over?

As bad as getting leukemia in the first place

The phlebotooes off with her blood sample, and Brian and the doctors release Jesse He bolts off the table into er, festooned with a Rugrats Band-Aid His daainst my skin

I hold his But it is so, so hard to make myself feel sorry for him

"Unfortunately," Dr Chance says, "your son isn't a match"

My eyes focus on the houseplant, which still sits withered and brown on the sill Soht to replace it with orchids, with birds-of-paradise, and other unlikely blooms

"It's possible that an unrelated donor will crop up on the national istry"

Brian leans forward, stiff and tense "But you said a transplant froerous"

"Yes, I did," Dr Chance says "But soot"

I glance up "What if you can't find a istry?"

"Well" The oncologist rubs his forehead "Then we try to keep her going until research catches up to her"

He is talking about irl as if she were some kind ofgear is stuck Rather than face this, I turn away just in tiotten leaves on the plant e to the carpet Without an explanation I get to my feet and pick up the planter I walk out of Dr Chance's office, past the receptionist and the other shell-shocked parents waiting with their sick children At the first trash receptacle I find, I dump the plant and all its desiccated soil I stare at the terra-cotta pot init down on the tile floor when I hear a voice behind me

"Sara," Dr Chance says "You all right?"

I turn around slowly, tears springing to , long life"

Handing hiize He nods, and offers me a handkerchief from his own pocket