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"I thought it ht be Jesse who could save her I wanted it to be Jesse"

"We all did," Dr Chance answers "Listen Twenty years ago, the survival rate was even s isn't a ht"

We only have those two, I start to say, and then I realize that Dr Chance is talking about a family I haven't yet had, of children I never intended I turn to him, a question on my lips

"Brian onder where we've gone" He starts to walk toward his office, holding up the pot "What plants," he asks conversationally, "would I be least likely to kill?"

It is so easy to presuround to an absolute halt, so has everyone else's But the trash collector has taken our garbage and left the cans in the road, just like always There is a bill from the oil truck tucked into the front door Neatly stacked on the counter is a week's worth of one on

Kate is released from the hospital a full week after her admission for induction che froivelist of instructions to follohen to and when not to call the eency room, e are expected back forKate's period of immunosuppression

At six the next , the door to our bedrooh Brian and I have come awake in an instant "What is it, honey?" Brian asks

She doesn't speak, just lifts her hand to her head and threads her fingers through her hair It comes out in a thick clump, drifts down to the carpet like a small blizzard

"All done," Kate announces a few nights later at dinner Her plate is still full; she hasn't touched her beans or herroom to play

"Me too" Jesse pushes back from the table "Can I be excused?"

Brian spears another reen"

"I hate beans"

"They're not too crazy about you, either"

Jesse looks at Kate's plate "She gets to be finished That's not fair"

Brian sets his fork down on the side of his plate "Fair?" he answers, his voice too quiet "You want to be fair? All right, Jess The next tiet one, too When we flush her central line, we'llequally as painful And next tiets chemo, we'll--"

"Brian!" I interrupt

He stops as abruptly as he's started, and passes a shaking hand over his eyes Then his gaze lands on Jesse, who has taken refuge under my arm "II'm sorry, Jess I don't" But whatever he is about to say vanishes, as Brian walks out of the kitchen

For a long moment we sit in silence Then Jesse turns to me "Is Daddy sick, too?"

I think hard before I answer "We're all going to be fine," I reply

On the one-week anniversary of our return hoht by a crash Brian and I race each other to Kate's roo so hard that she's knocked a la up," I tell Brian, when I lay ainst her forehead

I have wondered hoill decide whether or not to call the doctor, should Kate develop any strange symptoms I look at her now and cannot believe I would ever be so stupid to believe that I wouldn't know, i to the ER," I announce, although Brian is already wrapping Kate's blankets around her and lifting her out of her crib We bustle her to the car and start the engine and then remember that we cannot leave Jesse home alone

"You go with her," Brian answers, reading my mind "I'll stay here" But he doesn't take his eyes off Kate

Minutes later, we are speeding toward the hospital, Jesse in the backseat next to his sister, asking e need to get up, when the sun hasn't

In the ER, Jesse sleeps on a nest of our coats Brian and I watch the doctors hover over Kate's feverish body, bees over a field of flowers, drahat they can froiven a spinal tap to try to isolate the cause of the infection and rule out s in a portable X-ray machine to take a fils

Afterward, he places the chest filht panel outside the door Kate's ribs seeray blot just off center My knees go weak, and I findon to Brian's arm "It's a tumor The cancer's metastasized"

The doctor puts his hand on erald," he says, "that's Kate's heart"

Pancytopenia is a fancy word that ainst infection It reat majority of white blood cells in Kate's body have been wiped out It also means that nadir sepsis--a post-cheiven

She is dosed with Tylenol to reduce her fever She has blood, urine and respiratory secretion cultures taken, so that the appropriate antibiotics can be adors--a round of violent shaking so fierce that she is in danger of shi off the bed

The nurse--a woman who braided Kate's hair in silky cornrows one afternoon a feeeks back, to make her smile--takes Kate's teently, "you can breathe now"

Kate's face looks as tiny and white as those distant moons that Brian likes to spot in his telescope--still, remote, cold She looks like a corpseand even worse, this is a relief, co her suffer

"Hey" Brian touches the crown of les Jesse in his other arm It is nearly noon, and we are all still in pajaonna take hi?"

I shakemy chair closer to Kate's bed, I ss I take her hand, and ainst my own

Her eyes slit open For a les, unsure of where she is "Kate," I whisper "I'ht here" As she turns her head and focuses on me, I lift her palm to my mouth, press a kiss in its center "You are so brave," I tell her, and then I srow up, I want to be just like you"

To my surprise, Kate shakes her head hard Her voice is a feather, a thread "No Mommy," she says "You'd be sick"

Intoo quickly into Kate's central line The saline pumps her up from the inside out, a balloon to be inflated I try to pull the infusion, but it's held fast in the central line As I watch, Kate's features smooth, blur, obliterate, until her face is a white oval that could be anyone at all

Inbirth My body tunnels in, my heart pulses low in my belly There is a rush of pressure, and then the baby arrives in a lightning rush and flow "It's a girl," the nurse beams, and she hands me the newborn

I pull the pink blanket from her face, then stop "This isn't Kate," I say

"Of course not," the nurse agrees "But she's still yours"

The angel that arrives is wearing Ar into a cell phone as she enters the hospital room "Sell it," my sister orders "I don't care if you have to set up a leive the shares away, Peter I said sell" She pushes a button and holds out her arms to me "Hey," Zanne soothes when I burst into tears "Did you really think I'd listen to you when you told me not to come?"

"But--"

"Faxes Phones I can work fro to watch Jesse?"

Brian and I look at each other; we haven't thought that far In response, Brian stands up, hugs Zanne aardly Jesse runs toward her at full tilt "Who's that kid you adopted, Sarabecause Jesse can't possibly be that big" She disengages Jesse from her knees and leans down over the hospital bed, where Kate is sleeping "I bet you don't reht "But I remember you"

It coets Jesse involved in a game of tic-tac-toe and bullies a Chinese restaurant that doesn't deliver into bringing up lunch I sit beside Kate, basking in my sister's cos I can't

After Zanne takes Jesse hoht, Brian and I beco Kate "Brian," I whisper "I've been thinking"

He shifts in his seat "What about?"

I lean forward, so that I catch his eye "Having a baby"

Brian's eyes narrow "Jesus, Sara" He gets to his feet, turns his back to me "Jesus"

I stand up, too "It's not what you think"

When he faces ht "We can't just replace Kate if she dies," he says

In the hospital bed, Kate shifts, rustling the sheets I forcea Halloween costu around a dorm room "I know So we have to make sure that she doesn't"

WEDNESDAY

I will read ashes for you, if you ask me