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In my previous life, I was a civil attorney At one point I truly believed that hat I wanted to be--but that was before I'd been handed a fistful of crushed violets from a toddler Before I understood that the smile of a child is a tattoo: indelible art

It drives my sister Suzanne crazy She's a finance ho deci to her, I am a waste of cerebral evolution But I think half the battle is figuring out orks for you, and I a a mother than I ever would have been as a lawyer I sometimes wonder if it is just ure out where they are supposed to be by going nowhere

I look up fro at me "Do you miss it, Sara?" he asks quietly

I wrap our son in the towel and kiss him on the crown of his head "Like I'd miss a root canal," I say

By the ti, Brian has already left for work He's on two days, then two nights, and then off for four, before the cycle repeats again Glancing at the clock, I realize I've slept past nine More aly, my children have not woken me up Inon the floor with blocks "I eated breakfast," he informs me "I made some for you, too"

Sure enough, there is cereal spilled all over the kitchen table, and a frighteningly precarious chair poised beneath the cabinet that holds the corn flakes A trail of erator to the bowl "Where's Kate?"

"Sleeping," Jesse says "I tried poking her and everything"

My children are a natural alar so latelately, and then wonder if that's why she was so tired last night I walk upstairs, calling her na up from the dark to focus on my face

"Rise and shine" I pull up her shades, let the sun spill over her blankets I sit her up and rub her back "Let's get you dressed," I say, and I peel her pajama top over her head

Trailing her spine, like a line of s of bruises

"Aneet mono, do they?"

Dr Wayne pulls his stethoscope away fros down her pink shirt "It could be a virus I'd like to draw some blood and run a few tests"

Jesse, who has been patiently playing with a GI Joe that has no head, perks up at this news "You kno they draw blood, Kate?"

"Crayons?"

"With needles Great big long ones that they stick in like a shot--"

"Jesse," I warn

"Shot?" Kate shrieks "Ouch?"

My daughter, who trusts me to tell her when it's safe to cross the street, to cut her meat into tiny pieces, and to protect her fros and darkness and loud firecrackers, stares at reat expectation "Only a small one," I promise

When the pediatric nurse coe, her vials, and her rubber tourniquet, Kate starts to scream I take a deep breath "Kate, look atto be a tiny pinch"

"Liar," Jesse whispers under his breath

Kate relaxes, just the slightest bit The nurse lays her down on the examination table and asks me to hold down her shoulders I watch the needle break the white skin of her ar "Sorry, sugar," the nurse says "I'ain" She reain, who howls even louder

Kate struggles in earnest through the first and second vials By the third, she has gone completely limp I don't knohich is worse

We wait for the results of the blood test Jesse lies on his belly on the waiting rooerh this office What I want is for the pediatrician to coet Kate hoe juice, and wave a prescription for Ceclor in front of us like a ic wand

It is an hour before Dr Wayne suain "Kate's tests were a little problematic," he says "Specifically, her white cell count It's much lower than normal"

"What does thatto law school, and not med school I try to remember hite cells even do

"She ht just be a lab error" He touches Kate's hair "I think, just to be safe, I'ist at the hospital, to repeat the test"

I a But instead, I watch my hand move of its own accord to take the piece of paper Dr Wayne offers Not a prescription, as I'd hoped, but a nay

"Oncology" I shake my head "But that's cancer" I wait for Dr Wayne to assure me it's only part of the physician's title, to explain that the blood lab and the cancer ward si more

He doesn't

The dispatcher at the fire station tells me that Brian is on a o I hesitate, and look down at Kate, who's slu room A medical call

I think there are crossroads in our lives eit Like scanning the newspaper headline at a red light, and therefore ue van that ju a coffee shop on a whiing for change at the counter Or this one: instructing your husband toyourself this is nothing important at all

"Radio him," I say "Tell him we're at the hospital"

There is a co Brian beside me, as if we are now a pair of sentries, a double line of defense We have been at Providence Hospital for three hours, and with every passingthat Dr Wayne made a one another traumatic blood draw, and a chest X ray, because I mentioned that she has a cold

"Fivein front of him with a clipboard Then he looks at me "Isn't that when she rolled over?"

"I think so" By now the doctor has asked us everything froht Kate was conceived to when she firsta spoon

"Her first word?" he asks

Brian smiles "Dada"

"I meant when"

"Oh" He frowns "I think she was just shy of one"

"Excuse me," I say "Can you tell me why any of this is important?"

"It's just awe can about your daughter, so that we can understand what's wrong with her"

"Mr and Mrs Fitzgerald?" A young wo a lab coat "I' panel on Kate"

At the sound of her name, Kate blinks up from my lap She takes one look at the white coat and slides her arms inside the sleeves of her own shirt

"Can't you do a finger stick?"

"No, this is really the easiest way"

Suddenly I reet the hiccups For hours at a time, my stomach would twitch EveryI could not control

"Do you think," I say quietly, "that's what I want to hear? When you go down to the cafeteria and ask for coffee, would you like it if soo to pay by credit card, would you like it if you were told that's too much hassle, so you'd better break out your cash?"

"Sara" Brian's voice is a distant wind

"Do you think that it's easy forhere withon or why you're doing all these tests? Do you think it's easy for her? Since when does anyone get the option to do what's easiest?"

"Sara" It is only when Brian's hand falls onto

One s striking the tile floor The ht I wilt

"Sara," Brian says "What's the matter with you?"

"What's theto tell us what's wrong with--"

He wraps asp "Ssh," he says He tells ht, and for the first time in my life I don't believe him

Suddenly Dr Farquad, e have not seen for hours, comes into the rooulopathy panel" She pulls up a chair in front of us "Kate's complete blood count had some abnorlobin is 75, her hematocrit is 184, her platelets are 81,000, and her neutrophils are 06 Numbers like that someti with twelve percent proests a leukemic syndrome"

"Leukemic," I repeat The word is runny, slippery, like the white of an egg

Dr Farquad nods "Leukemia is a blood cancer"

Brian only stares at her, his eyes fixed "What does that mean?"

"Think of bonecells Healthy bodies make blood cells that stay in the ht disease or clot or carry oxygen or whatever it is that they're supposed to do In a person with leukemia, the childcare-center doors are opened too early I, unable to do their job It's not always odd to see promyelocytes in a CBC, but e checked Kate's under a microscope, we could see abnormalities" She looks in turn at each of us "I'll need to do a bone marrow aspiration to confirm this, but it seems that Kate has acute promyelocytic leukemia"

My tongue is pinned by the weight of the question that, a moment later, Brian forces out of his own throat: "Is sheis she going to die?"

I want to shake Dr Farquad I want to tell her I will draw the blood for the coag panel myself from Kate's arms if it means she will take back what she said "APL is a very rare subgroup of myeloid leukenosed with it The rate of survival for APL patients is twenty to thirty percent, if treatment starts immediately"

I push the numbers out of my head and instead sink my teeth