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into the rest of her sentence "There's a treatment," I repeat

"Yes With aggressive treatnosis of nine months to three years"

Last week, I had stood in the doorway of Kate's bedroo her clutch a satin security blanket in her sleep, a shred of fabric she was rarely without You ive that up I' dress

"We'll need to do that bone eneral anesthetic And we can draw the coag panel while she's asleep" The doctor leans forward, sympathetic "You need to know that kids beat the odds Every single day"

"Okay," Brian says He claps his hands together, as if he is gearing up for a football game "Okay"

Kate pulls her head away from my shirt Her cheeks are flushed, her expression wary

This is a mistake This is someone else's unfortunate vial of blood that the doctor has analyzed Look at my child, at the shine of her flyaway curls and the butterfly flight of her srees

I have only known her for two years But if you took every memory, every moment, if you stretched them end to end--they'd reach forever

They roll up a sheet and tuck it under Kate's belly They tape her down to the exa strips One nurse strokes Kate's hand, even after the anesthesia has kicked in and she's asleep Her lower back is bared for the long needle that will go into her iliac crest to extract marrow

When they gently turn Kate's face to the other side, the tissue paper beneath her cheek is dahter that you don't have to be awake to cry

Driving hoht that the world is inflatable--trees and grass and houses ready to collapse with the single prick of a pin I have the sense that if I veer the car to the left, sround, it will bounce us back like a rubber bumper

We pass a truck Batchelder Casket Company, it reads on the side Drive Safely Isn't that a conflict of interest?

Kate sits in her car seat, eating animal crackers "Play," she commands

In the rearview mirror, her face is luminous Objects are closer than they appear I watch her hold up the first cracker "What does the tiger say?" I e

"Rrrroar" She bites off its head, then waves another cracker

"What does the elephant say?"

Kate giggles, then truh her nose

I wonder if it will happen in her sleep Or if she will cry If there will be so for the pain I envisiontwo feet behind me

"Giraffe say?" Kate asks "Giraffe?"

Her voice, it's so full of the future "Giraffes don't say anything," I answer

"Why?"

"Because that's how they're born," I tell her, and then my throat swells shut

The phone rings just as I coed for her to take care of Jesse while we take care of Kate We have no protocol for this situation Our only baby-sitters are still in high school; all four grandparents are deceased; we've never dealt with day care providers--taking care of the children is my job

By the time I come into the kitchen, Brian is well into conversation with the caller The phone cord is wrapped around his knees, an umbilicus "Yeah," he says, "hard to believe I haven't ame this seasonno point, now that they've traded him" His eyes reat And the kids, uh-huh, they're fine Right You give s up "Don Thuruy"

As he stares at hs off his face The teakettle starts to whistle, but neither of us makes a motion to move it off the burner I look at Brian, cross my arms

"I couldn't," he says quietly "Sara, I just couldn't"

In bed that night, Brian is an obelisk, another shape breaking the darkness Although we have not spoken for hours, I know that he is every bit as awake as I am

This is happening to us because I yelled at Jesse last week, yesterday,because I didn't buy Kate the M&Ms she wanted at the grocery store This is happening because once, for a split second, I wondered what my life would have been like if I'd never had children This is happening because I did not realize how good I have it

"Do you think we did it to her?" Brian asks

"Did it to her?" I turn to him "How?"

"Like, our genes You know"

I don't respond

"Providence Hospital doesn't know anything," he says fiercely "Do you remember when the chief's son broke his left arht one?"

I stare at the ceiling again "Just so you know," I say,to let Kate die"

There is an awful sound beside asp Then Brian presses his face against my shoulder, sobs into my skin He wraps his ar his balance "I'm not," I repeat, but even totoo hard

BRIAN

FOR EVERY NINETEEN DEGREES HOTTER a fire burns, it doubles in size This is what I a while I watch sparks shoot out of the incinerator chimney, a thousand new stars The dean of Brown University's s his hands beside

We've brought an engine, a ladder, and a rescue truck We have assessed all four sides of the building We've confirot stuck in the incinerator, and caused this

"He was a large man," the dean says "This is ays do with the subjects when the anatoh"

"Hey, Cap," Paulie yells Today, he is ot the hydrant dressed You want e a line?"

I am not certain, yet, that I will take a hose up This furnace was designed to consurees Fahrenheit There is fire above and below the body

"Well?" the dean says "Aren't you going to do so?"

It is the biggesta firein with a stream of water Sometimes, that makes it worse In this case, it would spread biohazardous waste all over the place I' we need to keep the furnace closed, and et out of the chimney A fire can't burn forever Eventually, it consumes itself

"Yes," I tell hi to wait and see"

When I work the night shift, I eat dinner twice The first meal is early, an accommodation ether Tonight, Sarainfant as she calls us for supper

Kate is the first to slip into her seat "Hey baby," I say, squeezing her hand When she smiles at me, it doesn't reach her eyes "What have you been up to?"

She pushes her beans around her plate "Saving Third World countries, splitting a few ato up the Great American Novel In between dialysis, of course"

"Of course"

Sara turns around, brandishing a knife "Whatever I did," I say, shrinking away, "I'm sorry"

She ignores me "Carve the roast, will you?"

I take the carving utensils and slice into the roast beef just as Jesse sloughs into the kitchen We allow hie, but he is required to eat with us; it's part of the bargain His eyes are devil-red; his clothes are ringed with sweet shs, but when I turn, she is staring at the roast "It's too rare" She picks the pan up with her bare hands, as if her skin is coated with asbestos She sticks the beef back into the oven

Jesse reaches for a bowl of ins to heap theain

"You reek," Kate says, waving her hand in front of her face

Jesse ignores her, taking a bite of his potatoes I wonder what it says aboutthrough his system, as opposed to some of the others--Ecstasy, heroin, and God knohat else--which leave less of a trace

"Not all of us enjoy Eau de Stoned," Kate mutters

"Not all of us can get our drugs through a portacath," Jesse answers

Sara holds up her hands "Please Could we justnot?"

"Where's Anna?" Kate asks

"Wasn't she in your room?"

"Not since this "

Sara sticks her head through the kitchen door "Anna! Dinner!"

"Look at what I bought today," Kate says, plucking at her T-shirt It is a psychedelic tie-dye, with a crab on the front, and the word Cancer "Get it?"

"You're a Leo" Sara looks like she is on the verge of tears