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"Wait What do you ain?" He waits fora nail that doesn’t necessarily need to be hammered "Did you die at the scene of the accident?" he asks and I pound the haainst the wood "Quinton, talk to me"

My heart misses a beat as I ram the hammer into the nail repeatedly "Yeah, so what if I did?" I shrug, like it’s no big deal, even though the urge to go find a bu me harder than it ever has "Shit happens someti there with the nail gun loosely in his hand, about ready to drop it "Quinton, you’re a walkingme? One pound Two pound Three pound The nail is so far in that the wood is starting to split around it But I can’t stop until he stops talking "Yeah, try telling that to Lexi’s parents," I say, wiping the sweat from my broith my arm, and then move to another nail "Or Ryder’s They’ll tell you how delusional you are"

He shakes his head and then snags hold of ain "Quinton, you can’t expect the me directly in the eye "They lost their children and are probably never going to forgive you" His words are sharp and jagged like the shrapnel that cut open my chest and nearly killed me

I jerk my arm away from him I’m not really uish in ure out any other outlet than to yell at him "I need to tell them I’m sorry at least… I never did that"

"I don’t think you should, at least until you can deal hat’s probably going to come after you say it," he explains as I drop the haround "I think what you need to do is work on forgiving yourself, because it’s all you can do and life will get easier when you do ItI could curl up in a ball and erase the last few o back home and put that picture up on the wall "I’ive myself when they haven’t yet"

"Sure you can," he assuresit in my direction for me to take "It’ll just take some time"

I don’t take the hamging deeper as I think about hoanted to say sorry to Lexi’s ht co I shouldn’t because what I want--need--to happen probably isn’t going to Then I think about how I just took down her photo and put it away and I start to regret it

"Quinton, come back," he shouts out after"I need to take a walk and think," I say to hi down the stairs of the house and onto the bottouys at the site, but I barely pay attention to theet outside, I dash across the parking area and to the sidewalk Then I start walking toward the corner I don’t look back, looking straight ahead as I wander toward the unknown, one foot in front of the other, focusing on that instead of how I feel I’ht be a co that’s happened today and the difficulty that just co hard

Onepainful Every day justIs that what I want? To go through day after day like this? So up and down? I’m not sure I can do that

Not sober, anyway

The last thought guideseasier I don’t stop walking, going for at least an hour, passing blocks and blocks, until I’ at the door with a floreath on it like a fking psychopath I can’t see etso furious withhere Why did I do it? I don’t want to be here

What do I want?

What do I need?

Why do I feel this way?

Why can’t I bring haround me It’s like I and what’s on the other side of that door are the only things that exist That’s it I need to walk away I need to knock Go Stay Go Stay

My phone starts to vibrate in s me out of my daze I don’t want this--I reh it’s easy, I chose to leave it for a reason--I chose life

I turn to walk away even thoughto crack apart But when I’s open Marcus looks a little startled as he stu a white T-shirt, jeans, and no shoes His black hair is thinner than the last tie--he’s only twenty-two But because he’s gotten into harder stuff since then The scabs on his face and arht are evidence of that And also evidence that he has whatat the moment

"Wohere the fk did you colances around at the front yard behind iant inflatable Santa "Quinton, my man, how the hell have you been?"

To him it’s probably such a casual question, but to ood," I lie, and then exchange a handshake with hi over his shoulder into the house "Not too bad Just been living life"

I nod with uneasiness "That’s good" I’s feel really aard

But then he looks back at me and says, "You want to come inside for a bit? Dan’s here chillin’"

Fuck Shit Fuck What a? "Maybe… I mean, yeah Sure" Walk away