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Ugly

Emerson understood He knew there are a thousand different ways to be crazy His family were the loud, fked-up kind Trailer trash, he called himself, like it was a fact His uess She dipped in and out of rehab and twelve-step programs for years, but always caood with soer siblings to raise I guess compared to that, my family problems were a luxury, but Emerson never saw it like that

The way he put it, hurt is hurt, pain is pain, and crazy is crazy Doesn’tdrunk off cheap tequila or expensive wines, or out sleeping with druggie assles or douchebag lawyers to fill the ee they leave behind is just as bad

It’s one of the reasons I fell in love with hio I finally felt like someone could see the hurt inside me, could help me make peace with it Before him, I wondered if I was doo was fine even as we killed ourselves with hurt and denial Eed: to take that hurt, and feel it, and make it drive you, to never wind up like the voice cuts throughyour pills, and acting like you can stand to even look at these people?

You’re just like theht in my seat I look around the table in horror It can’t be true! I’o Just because I’ to keep all this bullshit away fro h a life of denial like theers I sit quietly through the rest of dinner, caught up in ic past was the only way to build a new future Just put everything behindthatapart inside

Dear God, don’t make me turn out like theht, until we’re gathered in the foyer collecting , Carina," Daniel says, as he helps me into es e a polite nod

"Yes Thanks"

"Cook like that more, and maybe you’ll keep this one" My Dad chortles He pats down his jacket and pants, and then finally co!" My voice is loud and accusing, but I lost count of how o

"I’m fine" He waves me away, but then stuue, but luckily, Carina interrupts us

"Just stay here, dad We’ve got plenty of rooet lunch in the city tomorrow, maybe look at some antique stores"

Dad sways for a moment, and then nods "Now that I think about it, perhaps a lie-doould be a good idea…"

I let out the sigh of relief I didn’t even notice I was holding in Usually, he puts up a fight When I was younger, I’d do whatever I could to keep hi his keys and hiding theot et in a car with hioodbyes and we head back outside to the car I slide into the passenger seat and tip lad to be done with an evening

"That was nice," Daniel starts the engine and backs out of the drive

I look over to check he’s joking, but he’s not "You can’t be serious," I say in disbelief

"Aw, couy, really interesting"

I stare at him I can’t even find the words My whole body aches with tension, like I’ve just run a marathon, and I feel so emotionally exhausted I could curl up in a ball and sleep for a week My Dad spent the whole night drinking, andcruel comments about Carina, while she babbled on about destination weddings and landscaping like it ht is remember every other shitty, dysfunctional family dinner we’d ever had If it hadn’t been for my hateful anti-anxiety

But Daniel thought that was a good time?

"We should do this more often" he adds He looks over and catches my horrified expression "Oh, babe I know you’ve had your issues, but that’s all in the past now You should make the effort, it’ll be worth it You only have one fa

I clench my fists and turn away I stare out of theas the dark city and neon lights speed past, but I don’t see any of the out ahead ofjobs,vision: a safe, noredy and fked-up mess in my past But now, for the first tiht

Dozens, s like this one: sat around with my family because I’m too scared and stubborn to tell Daniel why not Years of pretending like it doesn’t cut h life, likethe way Christmases, birthdays, holidays And what if we have kids, and randpa to them too? Daniel elcome him in, all of them, because that’s what family does in his world