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My hands shake uncontrollably as I put up to my lips, suck in a breath, as everyone in the tent lies down on the floor, so at all Then ss, saturates, and co stops

Dies

Chapter 18

Nova

I cry untilthere for hours, and then soet htti I have to lead the way is the sound of theit through the trees I try not to think about how he left me like that, but it’s all I can think about He left me Landon left me Quinton left me My dad left me Even I leftto h the trees, and I’m not even sure if I want to Maybe I’ll just lay down in the dark and stay perfectly still When I stuet up I lie in the dirt, staring up at the night sky, counting the stars that for to settleAnd I feel the ainst my mind, like rusty, bent, and crooked nails

His skin looks like snow and his eyes are open, like he’s looking at sohts have turned off inside his eyes I fall to the ground, wanting to forget everything, wanting to forget that Landon is hanging froood-bye on the wall and that I don’t even knoho he riting to I want to forget this et it? It’s not real How could it be? Because he can’t be dead It’s impossible He wouldn’t leavehas to be wrong, I get toin hts pile up in my head like bricks upon bricks upon bricks like they’re building a wall around et up froet away fro my palms open, and I try to keep track of , but the memory catches up withas I reach for the rope, because I know that if I can get him down, he’ll be okay He has to be okay Because I can’t pictureI have no one Nothing Everything thatbut a shadow of a person with no substance And I can’t be a shadow

I lean over the side, extending ers brush the coarse rope, and dig ers are trehts, like nothing insidehis skin, and he feels so cold and unreal, and it doesn’t , breathing, has a pulse This isn’t him It can’t be

I’ve lost all control, and I can barely acknowledge what I’ in the background over and over again and the lyrics and sound are e into my head I want it out Because I don’t need to remember this It’s not real It can’t be

It can’t be

The knot is too tight, and ers scrape open and bleed all over the threads of the rope, , refusing to give up, because he’s not gone He just needs help He wouldn’t leave me He loves me…

I stu at ot to put onforward I need to keep running,on to Landon

I keep working on the rope until ers orI lose track of ti and I realize that ti up withhysterically Moments later his body coes to call an ambulance, and eventually the paraas they exa, because I can’t remember--won’t remember How could I when I don’t even knoho I am anymore? The Nova I was is dead

I stu around the people, and pushingat h at rab at s while they cop a feel I hit at thee the me down and I realize how alone I really am That no one around here cares That I’m just another lost soul that’s lost her way, only I’ to find my way back

"Nova, no matter what happens, you’ll never be alone in this world," h a weird phase where I wore different-colored socks and refused to comb my hair and no one wanted to be my friend "You’ll always have your mother and uy grabs , "Hey, sweetheart, slon and try to relax Don’t be in such a hurry Have some fun I can show you some fun" He starts to jerk e, and so many people look out of it that I doubt that anyone will hears are going to end up bad I knee hih and then stab o!" I screa the dirt as he co pissed off, and he slaps me across the face hard I choke on the i across uy swings his arain, but I run I run and run and run, even whenfrom my body Then I spot the purple tent Delilah and Dylan are in front of it and they say so to ht formy head as tears burn my eyes and streak my cheeks

I want it out of one I want to be gone From the life I fell into This place But how the hell can I escape it when I can’t even re here? It’s like I’ve lost track of the last year orin the rain was fun and all it took was ice cream to make me happy

I just want si

I want… I don’t even knohat I want My head starts to race as I realize the painful truth of the revelation I a that doesn’t exist What Landon did may never make sense because he’s the only one who truly understands why he did it