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And he’s gone He’s really, really gone The rope was around his neck and he put it there and I couldn’t save hi Not lessly though life

He’s gone

My e, pain, confusion, love, heartbreak--every piece of hilass, cutting me from the inside When I can’t take the pain anymore, I open my mouth and let out an uncontrollable screaers tremble as I turn it on and unlock the screen Loud voices blare around outside along with the unbearably deafening sound of theinside my chest as my mind searches for numbers and control, but there’s soaround me and insideI can’t think straight

Then I click open the file, and with a faltering breath I hit Play Seconds later the video clicks on and then everything becomes silent

Chapter 19

Nova

The song plays in the background, the one he had playing when I found hiled crookedly, so his honey-brown eyes look like shadows; his inky black hair hangs over his forehead and only conceals his eyes more I can barely note the pain in the in his voice, ht trickles through thein the background, his skin hauntingly white, but in thein front of the screen, like he sketched it hi through the speakers only amplify the finality in the scene

I hold , speak, orat the screen, like he’s trying to decipherhim He’s eerily calm, like he’s sedated, and maybe he is It’s to dark to see if his eyes are bloodshot, and I’h God, I wish I was

Finally, he takes a breath "I’m not sure atch this… whether anyone will or if it will be put aith the rest of otten" He shifts his weight in the chair, crossing his arms on the desk "I’m not sure if I actually want anyone to watch it, either I’ else inI almost expect hi out of him, but his eyes look like the stay dry "I really did try I promise I did… but I just couldn’t do it any up became too hard… I couldn’t even nus…" He rakes his fingers through his hair, his breath tre, functioning, when I can’t even find a point of doing it" He drops his hand on the desk "There’s just no point"

He drags his hand down his face, glancing around at his room, then he reaches over and turns the round "It feels like I’round, and all I can do is stare at the sale day And there’s no point to it, but I have to do it because there’s nothing else I can do" He inhales and then stridently exhales "And then there’s all this pain inside offor it to turn off, but it just keeps getting worse… Everything does… God, I can’t even re s under his breath "And Mo You’re bla yourself because that’s the kind of person that you are, but it’s not your fault My head is just seriously fucked up"

He taps his fingers nervously on the desk, studying the screen "I really don’t want to be here I think about it every single day, the idea thatwill happen and I won’t wake up and have to deal with the sahted routine ofaround, lost All the fucking ti there inside --everyone--down around et past it I can’t find the will to s to be content with the heaviness on oddamn hole forever"

He sucks in a deep breath and his voice drops to a soft, barely audible whisper "Nova… beautiful, aood into watch this eventually, because that’s the kind of person you are You’re strong… your dad died and youthat tragic and I’ve barely been hanging on for years" He pauses his voice dropping even softer "I love you I really fucking do, even though I didn’t want to I didn’t want to drag you into this ot too caught up in your smile, your kindness, the sound of your voice and your passion about life Everything you did…" A sly reveals at his lips "Fro what you want… It was a you did with soht it There’s solife just a little bit easier…"

He trails off and stares at the caain, playing on Repeat, and I can feel it into say his final words and then click off the ca up He takes a deep breath and another, then reaches for the screen