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I pause, conteers on the desk "Or ure out why he did it" I inhale and then exhale loudly as ins to thrash "And if you’re notwho he is, but I’et there One day--someday, but who knows… maybe I’ll always be as clueless and as lost as I am now"
I leave it at that and turn the co to continue this pointless charade, this tiht now that’s how it feels I shove the chair away and head out of my room It takes fifteen steps to reach the end of the hall, then another ten to get me to the table They’re each taken at a consistent pace and with even lengths If I were filht now, my steps would be s, s as she whisks around the kitchen, e, then to the cupboard She’s , and it reminds me ofto stuff our ar But he’s not here any at the table He’s not waiting for the cookies In fact he hates sugar and loves healthy food,stuff that looks like rabbit food
"Good ood to have you back" He has on a suit and tie, and he’s drinking grapefruit juice and eating dry toast They’ve been uy He’s always taken care of myHe could never replace my dad’s spontaneous, adventurous, down-to-earth personality
I plop down in the chair and rest "
My mom takes a bowl out of the cupboard and turns to me with a worried look on her face "Nova, sweetie, I want to et you into therapy here, if you need it, and you’re still taking yourh and lower my head onto my arms and shut my eyes I’ve been on antianxiety medication for a while now I’ or not, but the therapist prescribed it to oing to therapy back in Dece but waste time" Because no matter that, they alant --what I did and why I did it--and I can’t even think about it, let only talk about it
"Yeah, I know, honey, but things are different when you’re here," she says quietly
I reh before I left The lack of sleep, the crying… cutting my wrist open But that’s in the past now I don’t cry as much, and my wrist has healed
"I’ers in front ofand candy corn, would you please stop asking?"
"You sound just like your father… everything had to be referenced to sugar," she remarks with a frown as she sets the bon on the counter In a lot of ways she looks likebrown hair, a thin frame, and a sprinkle of freckles on her nose But her blue eyes are a lot brighter than mine, to the point where they al that you’re fine, but you look so sad… and I know you were doing okay at school, but you’re back here now, and everything that happened is right across the street" She opens a drawer and selects a large wooden spoon, before bu the drawer shut with her hip "I just don’t want the et to you now that you’re ho"
I stare at my reflection in the stainless-steel microwave It’s not the clearest In fact,into a funhouse er But if I tilt sideways just a little, I almost look nor how blank my expression looks when I say it "Memories are just memories" Really, it doesn’t matter what they are, because I can’t see the parts that I knoill ripup to Landon’s finality and the soundless moments afterward, before I cracked apart I worked hard to stitch my heart back up after it was torn open, even if I hadn’t done it neatly
"Nova" She sighs as she starts et without dealing with it first It’s unhealthy"
"Forgetting is dealing with it" I grab an apple fro to talk about it because it’s in the past, where it belongs
"Nova, honey," she says sadly She’s always tried to get et is that I can’t remember, even if I really tried, which I never will It’s like my brain’s developed it’s own brain and it won’t allow those thoughts out, because once they’re out, they’re real And I don’t want them to be real--I don’t want to remember him like that Orher off "I think I’ out next to the pool today, and Delilah will probably be over in a bit"
"If that’s what you want" Myto saywhat it’ll do to me I don’t blame her, either She’s the one who found me on the bathroom floor, but she thinks it’sto find out what he felt like--as going on inside of hirab a can of soda out of the fridge, and give her a hug before I head for the sliding glass door "That’s what I want"