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"Quinton…," I hear someone whisper, but I can’t see who it is I try to open my eyes, but it feels like they’re already open, yet all I see is darkness

Butwhat’s actually there…

Chapter 1

Fifteen months later…

May 19, Day 1 of Summer Break

Nova

I have the web careen light on the screen is flickering insanely, like it can’t wait forBut I’m not sure what I’ll say or what the point of all this is, other than ested to the entire class--and probably all of his classes--telling us that if we really wanted to get into fil, we should practice over the summer, even if eren’t enrolled in any su at the world through an alternative eye, and he loves to record how he sees things in a different light" He was quoting straight out of a textbook, likeabout what he said struck a nerve

Maybe it was because of the video Landon ht before the last seconds of his life I’ve never actually watched his video, though I never really wanted to and I can’t, anyway I’m too afraid of what I’ll see or what I won’t see Orhione Forever

I originally signed up for the fil to enroll for classes and I needed one eneral major and don’t really have a determined interest path, and the only classes that weren’t full were Intro to Video Design or Intro to Theater At least with the video class I’d be behind a lens instead of standing up in front of everyone where they could strip et to do the evaluating Turns out, though, that I liked the class, and I found out that there’s soh a lens, like I could be looking at it fros at a different angle, like Landon did during his last few moments alive So I decided that I would try to ht on myself, Landon, and maybe life

I turn on "Jesus Christ" by Brand New and let it play in the background I shove the stack of psychology books off the co off a place forthe books for the last year, trying to learn about the hues, not thoughts in his head

I sit down on the swivel chair and clearbehind the ht on Without the light the screen is dark, and I look like a shadow on a backdrop But it’s perfect Just hoant it I tap the cursor and the green light shifts to red I open my mouth, ready to speak, but then I freeze up I’ve never been one for being on ca behind the scenes, and now I’ht

"People say that tiht" I keepmy lips move "But what if the wounds don’t heal correctly, like when cuts leave behind nasty scars, or when broken bones lance atthe uneven section of skin with ertip "Does it mean they’re really healed? Or is that the body did what it could to fix what broke…" I trail off, counting backward frohts "But what exactly broke… with me… with him… I’m not sure, but it feels like I need to find out… somehow… about him… about myself… but how the fuck do I find out about hione?" I blink and then click the screen off, and it goes black

May 27, Day 7 of Suot to college I wake up and count the seconds it takes for the sun to rise over the hill It’sfor another day I don’t want to prepare for, knowing that it’s another day to add to my list of days I’ve lived without Landon

This h I’e, and instead of the hills that surround Idaho, the sun advances over the i rew up in The change et out of bed, because it’s unfaht months And that routine hat kept me intact Before it, I was a mess, unstable, out of control I had no control And I need control, otherwise I end up on the bathroom floor with a razor in my hand with the need to understand why he did it--what pushed him to that point But the only way to do that is to make my veins run dry, and it turned out that I didn’t have it inI honestly don’t know any What’s right and what’s wrong Who I was and who I should be

I’ve been ho ain, after almost a year But I’et out of bed and take a shower, I sit for exactly fiveat the file folder that holds the video clip Landon iveon opening it, but because it recorded his last few hts, his words, his face It feels like the last piece of him that I have left I wonder if one day, somehow, I’ll finally be able to open it But at this moment, in the state of mind I’m stuck in, it just doesn’t seem possible Not much does

Once the five minutes are over, I put on my swimsuit, then pull on a floral sundress over it and strap some leather bands onto my wrists Then I pull the curtains shut, so Landon’s house will be out of sight and out ofback to my computer desk to record a short clip

I click Record and stare at the screen as I take a few collected breaths "So I was thinking about ure out what the point of this is--or if there even had to be a point "I restuess if there is a point, it would be forAbout myself or maybe about… him, because it feels like there’s still so … so many unanswered questions and all the lack of answers leaveslost, not just about why the hell he did it, but about what kind of person I am that he could leave so easily… Who was I then? Who am I now? I really don’t know… But maybe when I look back and watch these one day far, far down the road, I’ll realize what I really think about life and I’ll finally get sole day, because right now I’ross, murky water"