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"So wrong," she repeated, and her flat voice was increasingly eerie Her effort to ht as a fist

I couldn’t bear the sight of her in such acute pain, but I did not avert aze When she was able to look at me, I wanted her to see the commitment in my eyes; perhaps she could take soot to stay here," I said, "so we’ll knohere to get hold of you if…e find Jih her voice reainst…who? The police? The arainst all of the’s hopeless in this world--unless ant it to be But, Lilly…you’ve got to stay here Because if this isn’t about Wyvern, isn’t connected, then the police ood news Even the police"

"But you shouldn’t be alone," Sasha said

"When we leave," Bobby said, "I’ll bring Jenna here" Jenna Wing was Lilly’s mother-in-law "Would that be okay?"

Lilly nodded

She was not going to take my hands, so I folded them on the table, as hers were folded

I said, "You asked what they could do if you decided not to be silent, not to play this their way Anything That’s what they can do" I hesitated Then: "I don’t knohereout of town Maybe to break this conspiracy wide open Because she knew, Lilly She knehat had happened at Wyvern She never got where she was going Neither would you"

Her eyes widened "The accident, the car crash"

"No accident"

For the first time since I’d sat across the table froer than two or three words: "Your mother Genetics Her work That’s how you know so much about this"

I didn’t take the opportunity to explain ht reach the correct conclusion that hteous whistle-blower, that she was a at Wyvern And if what happened to Jiht take the next step in logic, concluding that her son was in jeopardy as a direct result of ht leap thereafter into the realical, assume that I was one of the conspirators, one of the eneardless of what my mother could have done, I was Lilly’s friend and her best hope of finding her child

"Your best chance, Jimmy’s best chance, is to trust us Me, Bobby, Sasha Trust us, Lilly"

"There’s nothing I can do Nothing," she said bitterly

Her clenched face changed, though it didn’t relax with relief at being able to share this burden with friends Instead, the wretched twist of pain that distorted her features drew tighter, into a hard knot of anger, as she was overconition of her helplessness

When her husband, Ben, died three years ago, Lilly had left her job as a teacher’s aide, because she couldn’t support Jimmy on that incoift shop in an area of the harbor popular with tourists With hard work, she rief at the loss of Ben, she filled her spare hours with Jimmy and with self-education: She learned to lay bricks, installing the ays around her bungalow; she built a fine picket fence, stripped and refinished the cabinets in her kitchen, and beca in her neighborhood She was accusto Even in adversity, she had always before rehter, all but incapable of thinking of herself as a victim

Perhaps for the first tiainst forces she could neither fully understand nor successfully defy This tih; worse, there seemed to be no positive action that she could take Because it was not in her nature to embrace victimhood, she could not find solace in self-pity, either She could only wait Wait for Jimmy to be found alive Wait for him to be found dead Or, perhaps worst of all, wait all her life without knohat had happened to him Because of this intolerable helplessness, she was racked equally by anger, terror, and a portentous grief

At last she unclasped her hands

Her eyes blurred with tears that she struggled not to shed

Because I thought she was going to reach out to ain

Instead, she covered her face with her hands and, sobbing, said, "Oh, Chris, I’m so ashamed"

I didn’t knohether she meant that her helplessness sha

I went around the table and tried to pull her into my arms

She resisted for aher face against uish, she said, "I was so…oh, God…I was so cruel to you"

Stunned, confused, I said, "No, no Lilly, Badger, no, not you, not ever"

"I didn’t have…the guts" She was shaking as if in the thrall of a fever, words stuttering out of her, teeth chattering, clutching at me with the desperation of a lost and terrified child

I held her tight, unable to speak because her pain tore at me I remained baffled by her declaration of shainning to co even less clear, distorted by a choking remorse "Just talk But I wasn’t…couldn’t…when it counted…couldn’t" She gasped for breath and held hter than ever "I told you the difference didn’t matter to me, but in the end it did"

"Stop," I whispered "It’s all right, all right"

"Your difference," she said, but by now I knehat she meant "Your difference In the end it mattered And I turned away from you But here you are Here you are when I need you"

Bobby ating a suspicious noise, and he wasn’t stepping outside to give us privacy His slacker indifference was a shell inside which was concealed a snail-soft sentiht was unknown to everyone, even to lanced ather to stay

Visibly disco of tea to replace the one that had cooled, untouched, in the cup on the table

"You never turned away fro her hair with one hand, and wishing that life had never brought us to a moment where she felt co ere sixteen, we hoped to build a life together, but we grew up For one thing, we realized that any children we conceived would be at too high a risk of XP I’ve made peace witha child ould be burdened with them And if the child was born without XP, he--or she--would be fatherless at a young age, for I wasn’t likely to survive far into his teenage years Though I would have been content to live childless with Lilly, she longed to have a faled, too, with the certainty of being a young --and with the awful prospect of the increasing physical and neurological disorders that were likely to plagueloss, uncontrollable tremors of the head and the hands, perhaps even mental impairment

"We both knew it had to end, both of us," I told Lilly, which was true, because belatedly I’d recognized the horrendous obligation that I would eventually becoht selfishly have seduced her intomy eventual descent into infirmity and disability, because the comfort and companionship she could have provided would have ht have closedher life in order to improve mine I am not adequate material for sainthood; I am not selfless She had voiced the first doubts, tentative and apologetic; listening to her, over a period of weeks, I’d reluctantly arrived at the realization that although she would h I wanted to let her make those sacrifices--what love she still had for me after my death would inevitably be corroded with resent to have a long life, I have a deep and thoroughly selfish need to want those who have known h to want those hter Finally I had understood that, for o our drea the dreahtmare

Noith Lilly in my arms, I realized that because she had been the first to express doubts about our relationship, she felt the full responsibility for its collapse When we’d ceased to be lovers and decided to settle for friendship,for her and my melancholy about the end of our dream must have been dish nor ly, I had sharpened the thorn of guilt in her heart, and eight years too late, I needed to heal the wound that I had caused