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I loved her

"It’s just that," Portia continued, poking at her dinner, "now you’re here, I’m not sure what to say Where to start There’s too much, isn’t there?" She looked up at me "Too much habit, really, where we don’t say very hts Ruby spoke of her feelings, her fears, her dreams and adventures She wanted to hear mine She took time to make it a habit of ours that we spoke, and I praised her for it Told her I appreciated her honesty

I appreciated it, even when it terrifiedout with et out of h to be there for her

"I don’t even have to ask you what you’re thinking to know your thoughts are elsewhere," Portia said quietly, pulling me from my revelation "You’re here out of courtesy"

I didn’t reply, but ood an answer as any

"I appreciate that, I do I wasn’t always a good wife to you, Niall, I know that now And I rong to think we could go back I wanted to think we could find so you here now, looking so waryI see it, too It’s well and truly done between us"

"I’ down my fork "I wanted to hear what you had to say because I felt I owed you that And I owed it tothe whole tis on ht"

"I can tell," she said "It’s quite a shock to see you looking soupset"

I apologized again "It wasn’t fair ofbut co you said to me when you left was ‘Cheers’ I’d handed you the folder with your passport and vital documents and you’d s?"

I bent, puttingourI simply don’t knohat to call it, or how to express it Failure, , "Also relief"

"Oh," she said on an exhale "I felt that, too And then guilt, over being so relieved And I’ve gone back and forth in the months since How could I spend so much of my life with someone I was so relieved to leave when he did? How could I have ree it on the table "I for one wish--"

"Portia, I’m in love" The words came out so suddenly and raw, I instantly wanted to pull the seconds before she spoke "Darling?" Without looking up, I could hear her sing, hear her finding breath "Tell me she hasn’t hurt you"

"Quite the contrary I believe I’ve hurt her"

"Oh, Niall"

I leaned"I’m sorry I didn’tin me to know you’ve moved on, even if it’s emotional to hear it" She paused to take a deep breath "I can hear it in your voice, see it in your eyes This tightness and urgency I could never have drawn this sort of reaction out of you I was terrible to you at times, I know that But you weathered it all with such caline how that feels to know, truly, that it would be impossible to evoke a passionate response from you?"

I looked back to this woman I’d ave a wan little sh?" I asked quietly

"In general I am," she said "It’s been up and down For the first few months after the divorce I was a bit on the wild side SpendingI felt nothing when she said this

"Recently I was seeing someone more seriously" She toyed with the s "I suppose that’s what hadthese past few days It’s hard to be with so pastin a way to go off with so you"

I looked up at her I’d personally never felt the sense of betrayal, but I understood what she’d said about it being hard to be with soure out their rhythms and needs To worry constantly about failure

"He’s someone I knew fro clicked in uilty when she adht the way he would watch her It struck me only then how apathetic I’d been at the work functions, business dinners, and in the office when I’d stop by to drop off lunch or solance at Portia every few seconds, at least when I was near