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I spotted the fire hydrant that someone had once ran over, I re everywhere, while h the spray,it the best hot summer day ever I saw the store that I used to steal ice-creams from for Sophie at the weekends, only to sneak ister when I had it, to pay for the to steal All of these memories were so painfully fresh in my mind it was like it happened just yesterday

Finally, I pulled up outside the faet out of the car I tried to force et out and walk up the familiar broken path and knock on the door, but I just couldn’t h the e in me

I raked my eyes over the place that I should know as ‘home’, but I never saw it that way This two story house lookedabout the house screauess sued rey slate roof that wasa couple of tiles, the black patch on the here the water was just running down the house instead of going down the broken guttering All of these things see to ain A scared little kid that wasn’t even et out of the car It was like the house, and theat me, even How the hell couldthat happened here?

The house seerown up so much since I had last been here The trash cans were overflowing outside, spilling used food cartons and cheap wine bottles everywhere The paint was peeling on the s, one of them boarded up with chipboard

I let my eyes wander over the front door It was different to the one that was there when I was a kid, probably because the police had s down the day I was arrested

I tried my hardest not to remember that day It was the worst day ofthat was important to me, was lost That was the day that I ceased to er necessary That was the day that my little sister died

I looked down at my hands, a little shocked to see that they weren’t still covered in blood, thatIt felt so real corief see back into my system and I wasn’t sure if I cope with it

It orse than when I went to her grave, this place here she died, this was her hoht, and ju because she wanted me to make her breakfast

What hurt me theshe saw before she died

She never got the chance to experience life, she never got to travel or have her first kiss, never got to go to a party or fall in love She missed out on so much, and it was all my fault……

Chapter 13

I pulledEllie, I just really needed to speak to her right now, just hear her voice for a second to pullinto I could feel the depression pulling at the edges of my system and I really wanted to see Ellie so I could think about so else

It scared me how much I needed her, I had never needed anyone in my life, I made sure I could take care of myself, I worked hard so that I never had to rely on anyone then I would never get let down

If I didn’t depend on anyone then I wouldn’t have to feel the rejection and disappointave up on e that the only one I could depend on was myself

In a way I wished I had never hlike this, then I would have no one that could hurther

But another part of me knew that what I had before Ellie wasn’t a life, it was just an existence where I just cruised through life on a knife edge One side of the knife was depression and sadness, the other side of the knife was the crime that I used to think was nor at it I could just start the car again and drive back to her side, we could go see the movie and I could pretend that o to Ellie and turn my back on the only family I had left and let her deal with her problems herself, she didn’t deserve my help anyway

But that wasn’t uess that was part of a flaw in my character, that I cared about other people, souess, I knew Ellie wouldn’t see it as that though

I couldn’t call her, I needed to just get this done I pushed ulped as I looked back to the house Maybe she wasn’t even here and I wouldn’t have to go inside, maybe I should try the local bars first in the hope that I would see her there instead I et over this and do it, I needed to facethat all that bad stuff didn’t happen

I clenchedout quickly, sla it shut before I jumped back in and drove away as fast as I could, never to look upon this place again I put one hand on the top of the car to steady my body, and took a couple of deep breaths Come on Jamie, you can do it, turn around and walk to the door and knock