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With a gasp, I fell back against the door of the bathroom, stunned Had he written this all for ht when I fell back against the pillow of my bed and opened Emilia’s journal to read what she had written to me I had to admit, I was both curious and a little scared of what I’d see there And I also wondered if, at this very es I’d left for her…

Dear Ada, I am furious with you I won’t lie I write this with a hand that’s shaking with rage and tears of anger in ave up And let ht now Was this just your way of getting back at me for what I did to you last year? Because I’ve been in a hell ofand you didn’t need to create a new one for ood…I flipped through a few pages idly, hoping the entire thing wasn’t full of the sa myself to read that With no se and forced myself to read every word she had written Wasn’t this what I’d wanted--e’d both wanted? Open, honest cohtstand because I felt a headache cos in the hopes that they’d ward off the headaches But I had a feeling that the real pain that would coes wouldn’t be in uilty for what I did? Every breath I take, every day that I live comes from the lifetime that I stole from the person our child would have been And I had no choice but to do it My choice was robbed froh the lids with er With a shaky breath I willedfor bed, I took time to study the scars and tattooat theh your eyes They repulse me, but not for vain reasons Not just for the permanent mark of imperfection, but because of what they represent It’s not just the scar on my flesh but a reminder of the way I wounded us And like the one on o away I did this I broke us…

…Part of me fears--no, scratch that--most of me fears that one day, when it becomes iive you a child, I’ll lose you

Dear Adam,

You once told me to put the burden on your shoulders But it never occurred to , it had become an impossibly heavy load How can one couple--even with all the love in the world--survive such a thing? We are broken, it’s true, and not all that’s broken can be fixed…

Dear Ada talk with Heath in the barn He wanted to knoas going on with you andand screa to explain,like a fish I had no explanation We did things wrong Wemistakes I did And you did We did this And I lie here tonight wondering if we can ever get past this Do you want to?

…And then I started to think about that goddaht I’d forced you to sit down and write it when you orried out of yourI asked you to write down I don’t re about how unfair that was…

…And as I sit herethat overwhelms me is the desire to do it all with you Because if it’s not with you, then it’s not worth doing What do you think? Anything to add?

My New Bucket List

● Find sos I’m thankful for every day

● Remember all the people I love

● Remember all the people who love me

● Know in ht I’ you so badly that I al to your voicee God, it hurts so bad that I ache with it I just need to hear your voice I just want to feel your ars

…When I first met you, you intimidated the hell out of me I didn’t knohat to s You knew things You noticed and you cared And I couldn’t stop thinking about you, wanting to knowand new then The rush of fresh, new love It was like a drug that I was addicted to