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"I don’t know" I sat up in the bed and looked away froreen eyes always uilty I could still remember the look of hurt on his face when I told hi on ht It had shocked him as much as it had shocked me that I’d told him the truth I kne hurt he felt I kne betrayed I kne confused he must have been because I felt confused as well I’d felt like so inside of s of exciteo out" He came and sat down on the side of my bed His voice was lower now and the roo to London next week"

"Oh?" I said,What did that o"

"I see" I looked at him then Was this it? Were we over? "So, do you still want me to be your assistant?" I asked hih to voice

"Assistant?" He frowned "What are you talking about?"

"You want to go back to teaching, don’t you?"

"I don’t know" He shook his head and then grasped my hands "I want you to coeous Lola to come back to me and tell me what she thinks and feels at all times I want to be put in e me and hit me Hate me if you want Screa me out"

"But you hateat his words "I’m ashamed of myself and I hate that--" My voice trailed off as I stared at hi in its texture "This isn’t your fault This is all ary "I wanted to be part of the systee it, but I was part of the problem"

"I just feel like I let you down and I letsorry for myself

"You didn’t let anyone down" Xavier was al me "I’oing to happen"

"But I came, Xavier," I whispered and looked down in shame I knee had to have this conversation out co if ere to ever move on "I’m so ashamed of myself, Xavier I can’t even look at you," I said, ain I could still feel the way ht me to a climax with his knuckles and a feather "I feel so ashamed of myself I can barely look you in the face"

"It’s not for you to feel asharabbed me under my chin and pulled my face up to look at him "Your body reacted in the only way it kne, Lola You shouldn’t have been put in that position in the first place I shouldn’t have done that to you I’m so sorry, Lola I wish I could take it all back I wish I could h? Can you ever forgive ive, beautiful" He kissed iveness, Lola It isyou for another chance I love you so much"

"This isn’t love, Xavier!" I screaainst his chest "You don’t love irl you decided to use to get what you want"

"That’s not true," he said, his voice surprisingly soft as he grabbed ushed out of e It went from concerned to sad and I was overco this to reeot you involved in so that I didn’t even want to be involved inmistake I don’t knohat I can do to make this better Maybe it will never be better andI know for certain One thing I can guarantee you And that is that I do love you I love you asped, wanting to believe hi "How do you know that you loverabbedsad and weary "I want to take you somewhere I want to take you somewhere so I can show you how ive me"

I stared at hiers in his hair and pulled him into me for a few seconds and breathed in his essence before pulling back "I forgive you, Xavier," I said softly "But I don’t know if I’ll ever believe that you really love me," I said with a sad face and jumped out of the bed I looked down at hial face in despair and my heart sank for what had happened to us "I just don’t know if I can ever forget this," I said as tears started to run down my face Xavier stood up and pulled ainst his shoulder and cried We stood there in the roo my back to comfort me as I cried, both for the loss of trust in our relationship and the complete and utter loss of my own innocence