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"Just think of ht," she echoes, her voice full of confusion Sixty seconds into the song and she won’t be

Shit What the hell did I just do?

~~

I think I fell asleep in class Or else I zoned out for the last fortyto orientate myself The corner of ers Nice Drooling is a pretty obvious tell I ht a blanket and pillow

At least I made it here I swear I had just fallen asleep when my alarht

Wondering what Annie’s reaction to that song was--or what it will be--had me unable to turn my mind off

I don’t knohat I was thinking

That’s bullshit I know exactly what I was thinking Annie’s cool I like her I like talking to her I like hanging out with her I like pissing her off so I can be rewarded with her sreat sense of humor, even if she tries to hide it I like that she’s s I can towith irl it isn’t even humorous

But she has a boyfriend--a shitty boyfriend, albeit, but a boyfriend all the same She’s e anything We’ve known each other for years Years that we’ve been nothing more than friends And most of the time not even that

What scaresto be aroundlast year I didn’t like it I really don’t want her to hide froain All because I opened my mouth and made her feel uncooets the urge to call ht foras I tug a hat out ofthe bill down to shade ainst the cool brick while I work through o back to the dorht didn’t happen

But I have two more classes, one of which is Lit with Kayla

Shit I’m not in the mood to see her today I don’t have the patience to see her today I need to end that I push off the wall If I’o to all o now I look up just in ti behind hiainst hilides two fingers over her cheek before kissing her My jaw grinds, teeth to teeth, as I gliaze I forcethem a wide berth as I pass I keep my eyes on my shoes One foot in front of the other At the last second, I glance up and note they ues

Annie’s eyes are following nore her, but there’s no way in hell I’ down She turns, giving esture

I can’t be htly phone calls are over, she’s da therapeutic about packing I get toAll y is focused on the task I have no ti sure I have enough underwear to last the four days I’ll be away

I’ And then we’ll bethe hour trip to Loden’s parents’ house

I’m nervous My mom is all paper plates, plastic utensils, and serve yourself for Thanksgiving With overloaded, fli room floor and watch the first Christ our turkey--which is always either undercooked or sadly rese the characters’ lines Someone always uses this as an opportunity to ression released in a feritten lines of Jingle All the Way Then so thrown… This all leads to ending our day with one ht

My stepdad started the rule a few years back that no showers are taken until the living roouarantees quick clean-up--but Loden and I will need to get ready for his fa dinner at dinner time Not at noon like we do intable Loden told me his mom has special china she uses for the holidays

It sounds exactly as I’ve alished holidays had been in e little bits--like pieces froether to , odd picture

I’ve wondered what it would be like to just have a whole sister or brother To not have to put "half" or "step" in front of it I’ll never know, but I will make damn sure my own children will never have to think about it

And that’s why I’m nervous I don’t want Loden to kno ether, to not let anyone see anything less than perfection But I’ll be giving him a front row seat to the live show Cirque du Soleil--Annie Phillips style Except I won’t be wearing a funky costume and I doubt there will be any applause at the end

My cell phone rings, causingand look at the clock 12:15 I know by the tinore it, letting it go to voiceht, but I just can’t talk to him today I… I have no idea how I feel I’ and think of hiht because I kept repeating the song, trying to decipher each and every word And then arguing with myself over whether Iis all about sex Like really hot, giving sex Either that or cooking

But I’ about cooking Of course, I didn’t think he’d haveabout sex and ask me to think of him And, God, I did I did think about him and that just made it so much worse Because there is an attraction there I admit it The boy is so beautiful that I can’t stand it, and maybe if it were a different time or ere different people…maybe if I didn’t have a boyfriend

No Just no

Not Chase Noand turning last night I cannot go there I have Loden And Loden is perfect I think he lovesplans Planning our future together We’ve even discussed e as a future possibility