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It’s so hard to pretend everything is okay sometimes

Sometimes I just want to be able to open ht I have To be wholly honest, just once It would feel a, that brief release And then I’m sure all hell would break loose because people aren’t meant to be completely honest with each other

I placethe sensation it delivers The calm familiarity Yet, this isn’t like it’s ever been before Soet lost into place exactly how today differs froo

What’s scary is I can’t find it--that exact thing that changed

Chase slips into the booth the waitress leads us to and I fall in across fro away the ers and fries And I want a Coke" He glances atto wrap my mind around the fact he ordered for er"

"Yes you do," he states confidently

Okay, I do Really badly But I can’t eat like that Not if I want to er todayout toer I’er," I tell our waitress "And water is fine"

Chase sinks back in defeat "Burgers were your idea"

I shake my head "For you Not me"

"Why not?" The skin between his brows puckers as he looks at eous he is while he sits there, so serious, across fromonto eat healthier than that," I say in a tone I hope conveys I don’t want to spend any more time on the subject

He places his arms on the table and spins the salt shaker absentmindedly The waitress sets our drinks down and as soon as she’s out of earshot, Chase pounces

"Have you talked to Loden?" I watch his move the paper wrapping

I hesitate, trying to decide the best way to explain this "Yes," I say slowly "He ca"

Chase looks atdrink and I watch his throat muscles ith each s "And…?"

I take a deep breath and release it quickly "And he apologized for the way he acted" This is true He was at ret for his jealous reaction, I apologized for causing the whole spectacle, and we moved on like it never happened

"That’s it?"

I raise one shoulder as I tear my napkin apart "That’s it" I leave out the part where Loden told ht alonehere alone with the person I’ve been forbidden to see--getting ready to share a meal… I would lose Loden in a heartbeat if he ever found out

Yet here I sit

"Did you show hi the evidence of Loden’s actions

"I just want to move past it I just want toon the dirty dishes splayed across the adjacent table "No point dwelling on what can’t be changed I ain Now I continue on Stronger because I’ around , just looks at me as if it’s still su hiain I feel like he can see all the things I want to say--all the truth I refuse to speak And God, I want him to I want him to see what’s inside of me and tell me it’s okay

His lips open and I hold my breath in anticipation of ill come out A plate blocks hi apart as our waitress delivers our orders

I curse the interruption, but sigh inwardly with relief at the sa from Chase, I know it’s such a bad idea

Loden I have Loden I’ve invested too much into our relationship

Chase is just a friend I have to getclearly because the past couple of days have been so draining And Chase eases some of the emotional strain Because we’re friends

"We’re friends," I say aloud, needing to hear it Needing him to confirm it

He lifts his brows, but drops his eyes to the plate sitting untouched in front of hi the word on his tongue He nods as he picks up his burger He se Buddies? That’s not right I don’t like when he says it like that Buddies? No Buddies punch each other in the shoulder and watch sports together They play wingies and wedgies

"Buddies" is all wrong Ugh Just hearing it in my head makes me feel sick And disappointed

Buddies?

No

"Friends," I correct Friends have roorow Friends trust each other Rely on one another Care for the other person Friends are perether They have real conversations You can call your friend in the ht when you need them because you had a bad day--or your boyfriend hurt you You know they’ll be there for you

Buddies? You call a buddy to move a couch

"What’s the difference?" Chase asks

I pucker uess there isn’t one," I clip out He takes a big bite looking sry And I don’t really feel like hanging out with my buddy anymore, either

20

Stir It Up

Chase