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I’m not ready!
The reverend walked toward ently and laid the hand-painted urn in my hands
It was cold and lifeless and le tear streaked down ain Never see her srow
"Don’t be er Hihter so fiercely, he made the clock tick faster--take her quicker than I ever wanted
My one before being paraded through hospitals or prodded by merciless doctors She was free now But the mother in me couldn’t see it that way It didn’t matter that she was in a better place and eternal All thatin the patch of sun, hugging the urn of hter’s ashes, I tried to cry I wanted to rain tears on the field just like the sky had before I wanted to let every crushing thing inside out
But nothing happened I just existed in hell
An iirl, I pictured a boy An innocent infant ould never know his big sister The picture stabbed my heart I didn’t want hihith My life had hit rewind and replay, leaving ain with endless heartache, no future, and a baby growing inside me
A horse flicked its tail and cantered forward The burst of life cast away my worry of the future, and I turned inward I wasn’t ready, but it was ti my eyes, I whispered, "I wish you hadn’t left o on without you I can’t live without you near How ao on, Clara? How am I supposed to survive?"
The build-up of ethe explosion of stars on the glazed porcelain
"I’ll never forget your perfect laugh or your s your silly jokes or your warone Until the day we ain, untilme back to the present I looked behind one How long had I been standing there, hugging the last rehter?
"Don’t be sad, mummy I don’t like it when you’re sad"
"It’s tio, Zelly" Clue laid a hand on the top of ether"
A low moan rose in my throat, but I allowed Clue to unlatch ht of the urn I wanted to stop her I wanted to curl up on the ground and petrify like a fossil curled around Clara’s ashes, but Clue didn’t givewith tears "She’ll be happier with the horses, Zel Don’t make her stay in such a small, dark place" She sniffed as a fresh wave of tears trickled down her beautiful face "It’s ti I had not to break down and unravel To tear the jar froallop far away Run fro one hand on the botto the top, I waited for Clue to do the sa
My heart stopped beating as together we tipped the urn upside down
A grey cloud fell like icing sugar, and ust of wind captured the fine dust, whipping it upward in a delicate dance I bit my lip as Clara embraced the wind and soared toward the horses The breeze swooped between the legs of a palo in all directions
Clue sucked in a shaky breath, and we squeezed each other, both feeling awed rather than sad Awed because for one tiny second, I swore I heard Clara’s laugh
"You’re too precious for this world You’ll be called back to somewhere far better than here"
My heart squeezed with never ending love for a soul I would see again when it was my turn to join her
"She’ll be happy here," Clue said
I turnedthe warrief-stricken heart A horse nickered And I found a sen of peace
For the first ti crushed by pain I could breathe a little easier Handle life a little better knowing that her body htness and perfect little innocence would be withwe stood there, but eventually the sun returned to hide behind the clouds and the chill of the breeze bit through o back to the car
Ben enveloped us in a hug e reached hi of another oodbye
How could he? I’d nursed hope that he’d show That he would put aside his wrongness and issues and come to honour Clara’s life
He was never normal and I fell in love with a fraud
Ben kissed , "He’s here Been here the entire ti into his dark eyes My body sparked, throbbing with energy after a week of dullness "Where?"
He conspicuously cocked his head to the se broke the perfection of green sweeping grass
My hands balled and I wanted nothing more than to run up the hill and punch him I wanted him to feel the pain I did The knife clipped in ed in his lifeless heart