Page 109 (1/2)

It was the perfect place

God, I miss you The burn of tears that were never far away stabbed my eyes

The rain that’d been a constant companion for a week stopped theperiod had been put on hold to celebrate the life of one taken so young

I’d existed in a fog all week I didn’t like to dredge up excruciatingClara, or the hearse that caony and tears of telling Clue that our little trio had been broken I’d been terrified Clue would resort to self-harain--to find a release--but I hadn’t factored in the co She’d held hed with me She kepther strength, giving her the safe haven she needed

Ben did for Clue what Fox should’ve done for me I had no one to bury myself in or cry myself to sleep in their arms I would always love Clue like a sister and could never have existed without her, but I needed…hier and even his fuckedupness Instead, he left me to fumble all alone and proved just what an asshole he was

Ben kept me alive the past week He held us until we alave us a rock to cling to while grief threatened to wash us away froan our therapy early Instead of letting usin sorrow, he found every painting Clara had ever created, every picture of her, every lued statue she’d done at school and hter

He re as we kept her alive in our thoughts, and we had to re for her

A few days after Clara’s death, Clue received a phone call that shot life back into her She went from couch potato to a ind of efficiency and threw herself into arranging the irl could want

I looked over at ht black hair and tears glistened in her eyes She nodded, feeling the same bond, the same need to remind ourselves ere there for each other

"Thank you," I whispered "For this For everything"

"Don’t thank me There’s someone else you should thank, too"

I looked over al and dapper in a black suit, black shirt, and the requisite My Little Pony badge over his heart The funeral was in Clara’s honour--and My Little Pony had been her favourite

My heart squeezed hard, threatening to send hter aroundthe shattered pieces of my heart

Don’t cry

I’d shed ht possible I should’ve shrivelled into a husk with the amount of water I expelled But no matter how much I wailed and cursed, I didn’t feel better The tears escaped, butwith loneliness and slow building hatred for the man who’d leftI’d sacrificed for hi himself to even attend Clara’s funeral I’d not only lost ive hi me to face this without him

Not once did I think about the baby inside me Not once did I turn to Clue or Ben and tell thenant I wanted life to stop and leaveelse existed but the death of hter

"Don’t feel sad, mummy I don’t want you to feel sad"

Sunshine suddenly pierced through the rolling grey clouds like a giant spotlight The bright ray landed on a beautiful horse with a red-speckled coat and pinkof a little red-haired boy who’d lost his entire family only to turn around and watch ?

What was oodbye?

More rays of sun bealittering green blades, swaying gently with the breeze The horses glowed like equine jewels, and I knew this was the right place for Clara Nowhere else would’ve fit

I didn’t kno Clue ed to find such an idyllic spot I hadn’t bothered to ask If Clue hadn’t helpedon Clara’s bed staring at the ceiling

"Come on, Zelly It’s about to start" Clue wrapped an aruide me to a small semi-circle of black-shrouded people

Everyone wore a My Little Pony iteements of ponies of different colours Solow in the dark

Clue and I had scoured all the toy shops and second-hand sellers for as many My Little Ponies as possible There were so many I had no idea what I’d do with thenoring the small huddle of children frooodbye, I stared at the horses So powerful but delicate So strong but gentle

They hypnotised me as the service droned on and on I didn’t need to kno oing to sleep now"

Finally, the reverend’s sermon came to an end and ar only on the ani in the world I couldn’t stand people touching ed me and a hushed expectation filled the air, I panicked

I wasn’t ready I couldn’t do this