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But when the phone rang, I woke up I laughed I craved I yearned

I flushed hot, dug my teeth into the flesh of ht I’d own

"Want you" "Need you" "Inside s he wanted s that somehoeren’t dirty with him, they were just true They were real He would tellhe wanted

There ords I didn’t say, though

I ht there would be tiain, we’d be different We’d be close--as close as ere on the phone We’d be real

I hadn’t learned yet that when your whole life is a sha that happens to you

When you surround yourself with lies, all the real things start to break

I’m back in Putnam for all of an hour before I head over to West’s apartment

I can’t help it I need to see hiht, but he’d left his car in Des Moines, and he was getting in late So I tracked his flight and sahen he landed, a quick twenty- to Putna, I’d pro around for lunch after my sister and I went to the bridal shop to pick upto know if I was over Nate yet "You should start thinking about ood to focus just on school"

Dad said I shouldn’t ju about West an hour away Alh to touch

I want to take the fire-escape steps two at a time, but I stop myself They’re icy I knock on the door, short of breath, heart pounding I’ve been i thisthis reunion, this kiss West pressing ht intolost in him, as surely as I’ve been lost in h, nothing’s the way I iray and cold

I wait for hinize that it’s me--to warnized me And this is my reception

He doesn’t step aside to let me in He’s dressed for work at the restaurant--black slacks, white button-up, shined black shoes So handsome it’s a little scary, with his eyes that way

"Hey You’re back" I have this nagging urge to check the door, ht diht?" Gah We were supposed to be kissing by now

He turns away and grabs his coat out of the closet "It was fine I’ve got to go in to work"

"On a Thursday?"

"I picked up a shift"

"Can I walk over there with you?"

He shrugs like it’s nothing to hiht he said he wanted to get inside me, build , and then he wanted to do it again, sloeaty, trehts ago I didn’t make it up

When he brushes past, he smells like wool and peppermint, and he doesn’t even look at my face

I follow him down the steps

He’s put on a hat I’ve never seen before, black-and-dark-gray stripes, thick and thin I look at the spot where it ers itch to touch hi it Histhe space between us, as solid as granite

Go away, his mood says, and it reo now

I’d aluess they were suspended over the break Our talk of touching, of wanting, the dirty thoughts we exchanged, et

I’m not sure what the rules are now, but I know that whatever they are, they’re fully in effect

"What’s wrong?"

"Nothing"

"Really? You seem kind of distant"

He turns partway toward me, hands shoved deep in his pockets For an instant, his whole face is a wince "I guess I don’t feel ht

You talked ot off the phone

I heard you co with you?

I should pick one of these things and say it, probably But I just spent a s I really felt West was the only person I opened up to, and even with hiht

We come to an intersection The pile of iced-over snow reaches my waist, but there’s a cut shoveled into it, and we pass through I crunch over frozen gray slush in the road The restaurant is half a block up on the right

It’s getting dark out, even though it’s only four o’clock The world feels di noise its tires make sounds like a threat

It’s cold So cold

"What are you doing later?"

"I’m on until late"