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I don’t knoho he is, what his past looks like I can’t know, because he won’t tell h to make me starkly, painfully aware ofcold porcelain, crying

West crouches down beside h I’h I hate myself

I curl up in West’s lap on his bathroom floor and let him look at my head, test ainst the wall, holdingwith both of us, but I don’t ever want hi for The Wizard of Oz When I was a kid, she found these blue-and-white-checked curtains at Fred Meyer and hung the look shabby It was only a fewact, and she was still wearing these cheap sparkly red shoes he’d given her You know the kind of shoes with a wide toe strap and a stacked heel like a wedge of cheese?

She loved theh she was constantly turning her ankles One night she put the with Dad, and she ca new clothes, with a tattoo of Toto on her ankle and a shot glass that said Reno She gave it to me as a souvenir

After Dad left and Mom lost her job because he took the car and she couldn’t find a reliable ride to town, she had this running joke where she’d click the heels of those shoes together and say, "There’s no place like home, there’s no place like home"

Then she’d look around the trailer and frown like she was disappointed

"Still a dump," she’d say

But she would lean into ainst ot each other, Westie"

All her jokes were like that--the hu in the fact that ere a teao hoes while you’re away, and you change, too, without noticing You get in your car, watch the shapes of your et smaller in the rearview, and you think it’ll all still be there the next tihteens at the golf course, back to back, then pulled right into your spot in Bo’s driveway like you’d never left

It doesn’t work that way You come home on a plane You land in Portland, hitchhike to Coos Bay, walk to the school to surprise your sister when she gets out for the day--and then when the group of kids with her in it goes by, you don’t even recognize her

You’ve never seen her clothes before Her ears are pierced Her face is different

And the worst part is, she doesn’t recognize you, either She walks right past You have to catch her sleeve, say her name

I’ve never felt more like two different people than I did that Christon, with Frankie, Mom, and Bo Uprooted, worried, frustrated, cautious--but there, where I belonged

The rest of me ith Caroline

I fall asleep afterat the apartment door

Caroline’s already left, on an airplane by now to the Caribbean with her fa bad news ever since I knocked Nate down the stairs two nights ago

There’s no way he’s not going to retaliate I hu when I did it I don’t care what happens toto let anybody talk that kind of shit about Caroline in front of her, to my face, on my doorstep

The worst part is, I knew she’d fuck with my priorities, mess with my head I knew she would, and now that she has, I like it

It’s perfect I want her to move into my apartment, sleep in my bed, shoith my soap, wear my old shirts around I want to eat her out before breakfast every , rub off on her ass, bury my face between her tits, and co so whipped I’ve turned into one of those guys who does whatever his woh on the sirl She owns me

Which is hen the knock colad for it I can’t standher tely sound sheup inhiood chance I’d end up behind bars before I made it home for Christmas

Don’t let nobody in your place without a warrant, he wrote

By the ti, but I take the ti-ear the page, and tuck it into ood book, and I don’t want it trashed

There are two of theuy with curly blond hair in a black Putna a red Putnae Security polo "Are you West Leavitt?" the blond one asks

"Yes"

"I’m Officer Jason Morroith the Putnam Police, and this is Kevin Yates from campus security We received an anonyal sale of marijuana We need to come in and have a look around"

I can tell by the way he says this that it usually works They knock on college kids’ doors--twice a year, three times, whenever there’s a serious complaint They act civil and ask nice, and these other kids roll right over

I’ve got nothing in the apartment for them to find, because, despite what Nate see stupid The a--that’s a serious misdemeanor for possession all by itself, a class D felony if they can prove I’ it Which they can, of course, because nobody could s I keep it in a locker at the rec center, and I go by there two or three tihts, shower, pocket a few eighths, a few quarters, whatever I know I’rown a plant on ca of last year, when I did itI wanted people to talk He’s the guy who’s growing the good bud He’s the one who can hook you up Once that first crop was harvested, I shut the whole thing down Too risky

I knohat I got hts

"No," I say to the cop at the door

No, he can’t coet out

I’m trapped in this mess I ure out how I’ to escape