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"What is this?"

Three words, but the way he says the, and I feel suddenly scared, s here nearly naked when West is clothed and closed off When he sounds so angry

I start looking around the room for my bra "You were supposed to open the present first," I tease "Who starts with the card?"

"I do"

I’vethe hooks, when West’s hand closes around my calf "Caroline What is this for?"

He asks the question very slowly and deliberately, leaning on every word Fury etched into the lines of his face

I can’t iine what he thinks I’ve done Charity? Pity?

"The loan" And I tellwith his eyes so angry I babble "Sorry it’s not more That’s all I could save in the past six weeks, with Christ I hope you aren’t one of those people who think a book is a bad present, because I got books for everybody this year I thought you h It’s about the science of bread, and there’s a chapter in there--what?"

He’s softened The relief in his eyes--in his whole body--is palpable

"Jeez West, what did you think it was?"

He doesn’t answer I wait, and he unwraps the book, flips through the pages I think if it were in Latin, or blank, he wouldn’t notice He’s just pulling hiether, and I’m embarrassed to have to stand here and see it happen when he obviously wishes I were so, aard minute "Thanks" A pause "You don’t have to pay me back"

"Of course I do"

He looks up at last "I’d rather you didn’t"

I’m not sure how to answer that I’m so bewildered, but he sets the book down on the bed and puts his hands at ainst my stomach

"Really," he says "Just don’t"

His hands slide over my butt I’ An effective distraction As I’," he murmurs

"That’s okay"

"Did I tell you how much I like these panties?"

"These? Why?"

"They’re on you"

I exhale a laugh I’m not sure what to do with ht you were going to make er in the elastic of er with his nose Inhales

"I got a better idea"

I smack his shoulder One of those s happened I’d like to press hiot his hands insideand warue and how I’ve never liked getting oral before but hoith West, everything’s different

With West, I have a feeling, I’ to like it

"Come back to bed," he orders

So I do

And oh usts have died down outside, but the snow’s still falling I’hts on Ro at the back of West’s head where he’s sitting on the floor byout practice proble to decide whether the sublilow in ers want to rest on hi to type

The doorbell doesn’t ine why anyone would want to go outside in this weather or what possible reason a person who isn’t West or h, al his phone out of his pocket, checking his texts or his e soht, a lot of students wanting to ensure they had enough supplies to stay high through a month’s worth of encounters with their parents or parties with their old friends frooes to the door, opens it, and blocks my view of the fire escape He’s up on the second floor, the apartifts and wo outside is sle on the door than ures beyond West

I’et up Because I don’t want to feel apart fro to turn s that

This is going to sound strange, but it’s a little bit because of West’s penis, too By which I uidelines Afraid I wouldn’t be any good at it, or I’d ht?

I’m afraid of this part of who he is,hiet arrested or sent to jail--I don’t even knohy he does it Just for the money? Because he wants to? Because he wants to prove he’s not afraid?

Or maybe he does it because he likes it He has an expertise that I don’t share--words I don’t know, ht and cost He has that voice he uses when he’s dealing I think it’s why I asked hih when he came to my house Because I want to know all the parts of hih all this consciously I just duck under his ar and this part of his life, on hi offagainst the rail behind hiave him last Christmas--it’s Nate

He looks as shocked to see ether, his es--pain--and then just as quickly it’s gone and he’s trying and failing to look indifferent

The conversation dies

"Hey, guys," I say cheerfully I’m not sure how else to play this Soot to beto tide you over the break?"