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I sit on the bed I pull my pillow onto my lap, pluck at the pillowcase, which has Smurfs on it They’re supposed to be ironic Smurfs, but maybe that’s like ironic whale pants An impossibility

I remind myself why I made West come over here Because I kissed Nate and he put my naked pictures online Then I kissed West and he stopped talking to me I’m tired of this shit

"What’s the "

"You’re mad at me"

"I’m not" He’s fixated on this spot on the floor, like all the world’s secrets are written there, pinhead-susted with me"

"No"

"You wish you’d never kissed me"

He meets my eyes for a fraction of a second Looks at the secret spot again "Yeah" But then he looks back at my face "No"

"Which is it?"

"Both"

"What ahs His hair falls forward, covering his eyes, and he clasps his hands between his knees, that bracelet at his wrist spelling out the letters of his na he won’t share withto be with us"

"You said you wouldn’t touch h"

"I fucking know that, Caroline"

"Don’t get snippy with ht We were both up there We were both kissing"

"Yeah, but I’m the one who had to jump off the balcony, aren’t I?"

"That’s why you’re pissed atatIf it’s not me, then what? "You sure seem like it"

He stands up Paces back and forth a few tiet’s empty desk, my cluttered one He picks up the frah school graduation and sets it back down

He points to the picture "You knohat I said to him?"

"Who, hter?’ This was after I’d carried you up the stairs and laid you out on the bed I stood right over you, staring at your tits, and I said, ‘I’ to be sweet’"

He uses his drug-dealer voice, his stoner voice--utterly fake if you know West but convincingly awful if you don’t I can hear exactly how itin across the hall from a date rapist, or at the very least a lecherous creep

It’s a ood reason to keep the fuck away froet that, but I don’t understand And don’t try to feedpoor or you being too noble or whatever"

Hehis back on me "I’m not noble"

"Then what are you?"

No answer The silence spins out, Bridget’s Putna out the seconds--one, two, three, four, five, with no answer--until suddenly West spins around and says, "I’ot plans for the future, and you’re not in the to be in them, Caro, so it just makes more sense for me to keep away from you so I can focus on what’s iaze at Solden puff of hair and her stupid fuck-me shoes and her dress, and I want to punch her I want to punch ht where West’s words lanced into the old burning pain beneathto hurt me He’s just selfish

"Don’t look like that," he says

"I will look however I want" I enunciate every word, slowly and carefully, because I don’t want him to know that he’s hurt me

I turn the pillow over I trace the outline of Brainy Smurf’s hat I always identified with Brainy

"Caro--"

"Maybe you should go"

He picks up his coat He walks over to the door I wait for it to open, wait for him to walk out, wait for the part of in

But he stands there, and then he leans into the door and kicks it viciously, three times He kicks the door so hard that I juing inside ’s been unleashed

He turns back toward o Okay? That’s o"

"What do you want, then?"

I’, because I don’t know I’ve never known

He walks over, drops his coat on Bridget’s bunk, braces both hands on theht I can’t see his face, but when he says, "I want to kiss you again," I can hear the softness of his es my foot with his, boxes in my knee "I could feed you a line about hoant that because I think you need somebody to show you you’re not broken, how you’re beautiful and sexy and if you’re dirty it’s only in the good way, the way everybody is dirty I could tell you that, and it would be true, but what’s really true is that I’ you I’htly, letting the light loose around his head It brightens his ear, showsand full of so I’ve seen there a hundred times but never knehat to call it

Need Greed

This is what West looks like when he’s greedy

His greed is forand watching him

"I wanted you froht now, and you can barely stand me I can barely stand ht nohen I hate myself and you’re pissed at me, I still want to push you down on the bed and take off your shirt and get inside you Get deep inside you, and then deeper, until I’m so deep I don’t even knohat’s me anymore and what’s you"