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PART 1

THE CHOICE IS YOURS

Chapter 1

With draft beer and a shbor, Henry Friddle, whose death greatly pleased hinome He had fallen off the roof of his two-story house, onto that cheerful-looking figure The gnome was made of concrete Henry wasn’t

A broken neck, a cracked skull: Henry perished on inome had occurred four years previously Ned Pearsall still toasted Henry’s passing at least once a week

Now, froany bar, an out-oftowner, the only other custo nature of Ned’s aniuy have been that you’re still so juiced about hinored the question He had even less use for tourists than he did for pretzels

The tavern offered free bowls of pretzels because they were cheap Ned preferred to sustain his thirst ell-salted peanuts

To keep Ned tipping, Billy Wiles, tending bar, occasionally gave hi of Planters

Most of the time Ned had to pay for his nuts This rankled hirasp the econo rankled, probably the latter

Although he had a head reminiscent of a squash ball and the heavy rounded shoulders of a suht barroo qualified as sports In those events, he was an Oly the late Henry Friddle, Ned could be as talkative with outsiders as with lifelong residents of Vineyard Hills When, as now, the only other custoenial than conversation with a "foreign devil"

Billy himself had never been much of a talker, never one of those barkeeps who considered the bar a stage He was a listener

To the out-of-towner, Ned declared, "Henry Friddle was a pig"

The stranger had hair as black as coal dust with traces of ash at the teht with dry amusement, and a softly resonant voice

"That’s a strong word--pig"

"You knohat the pervert was doing on his roof? He was trying to piss onthe bar, Billy Wiles didn’t even glance at the tourist He’d heard this story so often that he knew all the reactions to it

"Friddle, the pig, figured the altitude would give his streaer said, "What was he--an aeronautical engineer?"

"He was a college professor He taught conte that stuff drove him to suicide," the tourist said, which ht

"No, no," Ned said impatiently "The fall was accidental"

"Was he drunk?"

"Why would you think he was drunk?" Ned wondered

The stranger shrugged "He climbed on a roof to urinate on your s"

"He was a sick lass to indicate the desire for another round

Drawing Budweiser froeance"

After silent communion with his brew, the tourist asked Ned Pearsall,

"Vengeance? So you urinated on Friddle’s s first?"

"It wasn’t the sah tone that advised the outsider to avoid being judgmental

"Ned didn’t do it froht I walked up to his house, like a -roo dinner at the tiht express revulsion at the ti quail, for God’s sake"

"You showered their s because they were eating quail?"

Ned sputtered with exasperation "No, of course not Do I look insane to you?" He rolled his eyes at Billy

Billy raised his eyebrows as though to say What do you expect of a tourist?

"I’ to convey how pretentious they were," Ned clarified,

"always eating quail or snails, or Swiss chard"

"Phony bastards," the tourist said with such a light seasoning of h Billy did

"Exactly," Ned confiruar, and his wife drove a car--you won’t believe this--a car made in Sweden"

"Detroit was too common for them," said the tourist

"Exactly Howa car all the way froer they ine connoisseurs"

"Big ti?"

"I just know the type They had a lot of books"

"You’ve got ‘em nailed," Ned declared "They’d sit on the front porch, sniffing their wine, reading books"

"Right out in public Iroom s because they were snobs, why did you?"

"A thousand reasons," Ned assured him "The incident of the skunk The incident of the lawn fertilizer The dead petunias"

"And the garden gnolasses in the bar sink

"The garden gnoreed

"I can understand being driven to aggressive urination by pink plastic flano the affront "Ariadne gave it my face"

"Ariadne who?"

"Henry Friddle’s wife You ever heard a more pretentious nas it down to earth"

"She was an art professor at the sanome, created the mold, poured the concrete, painted it herself"

"Having a sculpture modeled after you can be an honor"

The beer foaave hinono a beer bottle in each hand"

"And its fly was unzipped," Billy added

"Thanks soout of its pants was the head and neck of a dead goose"

"How creative," said the tourist

"At first I didn’t knohat the hell that meant--"

"Syured it out Everybody alked past their place saw it, and got a laugh at noreed: "Right Just hearing about it, people were laughing So I busted up the gnoehammer"

"And they sued you"

"Worse They set out another gno I’d bust up the first, Ariadne had cast and painted a second"