Page 10 (2/2)

I go hot and cold all at once I try to unclench , but I’ I’d eatenat all

"I have work to do," I e to say

"Tellwith the others"

"What?" The nervous, shaky word escapes my lips too soon

My father drops his eyes Clasps and unclasps his hands "You have disappointed me in so many ways," he says, his voice deceptively soft "Please don’t let this be another"

For a h I exist outside ofat myself fros that suddenly see s

I iine this is what it’s like to fall apart

I don’t realize he’s said my name until he repeats it twice more

"What do you want from me?" I ask, surprised to hear how calm I sound "You’ve walked into my roos I don’t have ti your rules, your orders We will leave tonight; ill find their hideout You can destroy theirl," he says, cocking his head at me "Your Juliette?"

I flinch at the sound of her na so fast it feels like a whisper

"If I were to shoot three holes in her head, hoould that make you feel?" He stares at me Watches me "Disappointed, because you’d have lost your pet project? Or devastated, because you’d have lost the girl you love?"

Ti all aroundthe tre to tipI’ve invested so ood to know you see it that way," he says "But projects are, after all, easily replaced And I’m certain we’ll be able to find a better, more practical use of your time"

I blink at him so slowly Part of my chest feels as if it’s collapsed

"Of course," I hear myself say

"I knew you’d understand" He claps me on my injured shoulder as he leaves My knees nearly buckle "It was a good effort, son But she’s cost us too much time and expense, and she’s proven co of many inconveniences all at once We’ll just consider her collateral da past ainst the wall

And crumble to the floor

Twenty-One

S the tears back often enough and they’ll start feeling like acid dripping down your throat

It’s that terriblestill so still so still because you don’t want them to see you cry you don’t want to cry but your lips won’t stop tre and your eyes are filled to the bri you and please and I’m sorry and please and have mercy and maybe this time it’ll be different but it’s always the same There’s no one to run to for coht a candle for me, I used to whisper to no one

Someone

Anyone

If you’re out there

Please tell me you can feel this fire

It’s day five of our patrols, and still, nothing

I lead the group every night,into the silence of these cold, winter landscapes We search for hidden passageways, caht be another world under our feet

And every night we return to base with nothing

The futility of these past few days has washed overme into a kind of daze I haven’t been able to claay out of Every day I wake up searching for a solution to the problems I’ve forced upon myself, but I have no idea how to fix this

If she’s out there, he will find her And he will kill her

Just to teach me a lesson

My only hope is to find her first Maybe I could hide her Or tell her to run Or pretend she’s already dead Or maybe I’ll convince him that she’s different, better than the others; that she’s worth keeping alive

I sound like a pathetic, desperate idiot

I a he won’t find ood ht Thatthis time

How quickly I revert back to another version of one nu my tasks with a sort ofis sirown accusto her notebook

My heart actually hurts, soes I feel as if I’ainst an invisible wall, as if ed in plastic and I can’t breathe, can’t see, can’t hear any sound butin s in this life

I’ve asked for nothing fro for is another chance An opportunity to see her again But unless I can find a way to stop him, these words will be all I’ll ever have of her

These paragraphs and sentences These letters

I’ve becoo, spending allto decipher the words she’s scribbled in thewith the numbers she’s written down

I’ve also noticed that the last page isRipped out

I can’t help but wonder why I’ve searched through the book a hundred tione, but I’ve found none And soht’ve missed It’s not even my journal; it’s none of my business at all, but I’ve read her words so many times now that they feel like my own I can practically recite them from memory