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When she felt herself begin to shake, she pulled back "Not now, please I can&039;t now I have to take the boys home"

"I can come with you" There were tears on Diane&039;s cheeks as she reached out, touched Stella&039;s hair "Would you like me to come, to stay with you?"

"No Not now I needthe boys"

"I&039;ll get them Come inside, Stella"

But she only shook her head

"All right They&039;re in the fa the at all You&039;ve only to call I&039;m sorry I&039; in at the light, and waited

She heard the protests, the co of feet And there were her boys - Gavin with his father&039;s sunny hair, Luke with his father&039;s o yet," Gavin told her "We&039;re playing a gao ho It&039;s not fair, and - "

"Gavin We have to go"

"Is Daddy home?"

She looked down at Luke, his happy, innocent face, and nearly broke "No" Reaching down, she picked him up, touched her lips to the o hoan the walk back to her empty house

"If Daddy was home, he&039;d let me finish" Cranky tears smeared Gavin&039;s voice "I want Daddy"

"I know I do too"

"Can we have a dog?" Luke wanted to know, and turned her face to his with his hands "Can we ask Daddy? Can we have a dog like Jessie and Wyatt?"

"We&039;ll talk about it later"

"I want Daddy," Gavin said again, with a rising pitch in his voice

He knows, Stella thought He knows so I have to do this I have to do it now

"We need to sit down" Carefully, very carefully, she closed the door behind her, carried Luke to the couch She sat with him in her lap and laid her ar," Luke told her soberly, "I&039;d take care of hi?"

"He can&039;t come"

" &039;Cause of the busy trip?"

"He " Help me God, help me do this "There was an accident Daddy was in an accident"

"Like when the cars s at all as his eyes burned into her face

"It was a very bad accident Daddy had to go to heaven"

"But he has to come home after"

"He can&039;t He can&039;t come home anymore He has to stay in heaven now"

"I don&039;t want hihtly "I want him to come home now"

"I don&039;t want him there either, baby But he can&039;t come back anymore, no matter how much ant it"

Luke&039;s lips trembled "Is he mad at us?"

"No No, no, no, baby No" She pressed her face to his hair as her stomach pitched and as left of her heart throbbed like a wound "He&039;s not mad at us He loves us He&039;ll always love us"

"He&039;s dead" There was fury in Gavin&039;s voice, rage on his face Then it cru in his mother&039;s arms

She held them until they slept, then carried them to her bed so none of them would wake alone As she had countless times before, she slipped off their shoes, tucked blankets around the while she walked - it felt like floating - through the house, locking doors, checking s When she knew everything was safe, she closed herself into the bathroom She ran a bath so hot the steam rose off the water and misted the rooed herself in the stea water, did she allow that knot to snap With her boys sleeping, and her body shivering in the hot water, she wept and wept and wept

She got through it A few friends suggested she ht take a tranquilizer, but she didn&039;t want to block the feelings Nor did she want to have a muzzy head when she had her children to think of

She kept-it simple Kevin would have wanted simple She chose every detail - the raphs - of his memorial service She selected a silver box for his ashes and planned to scatter them on the lake He&039;d proposed to her on the lake, in a rented boat on a summer afternoon

She wore black for the service, aof thirty-one, with two young boys and a e, and a heart so broken she wondered if she would feel pieces of it piercing her soul for the rest of her life

She kept her children close, and rief counselor for all of the as there was so definite, she could hold on She could be strong

Friends came, with their syrateful to them more for the distraction than the condolences There was no condolence for her

Her father and his wife flew up from Memphis, and them she leaned on She let Jolene, her father&039;s wife, fuss over her, and soothe and cuddle the children, while her ownto be in the same room as that woman

When the service was over, after the friends drifted away, after she clung to her father and Jolene before their flight home, she made herself take off the black dress

She shoved it into a bag to send to a shelter She never wanted to see it again

Her mother stayed Stella had asked her to stay a few days Surely under such circumstances she was entitled to her mother Whatever friction was, and always had been, between the compared with death

When she went into the kitchen, her rateful not to have to think of such a minor task, she crossed over and kissed Carla&039;s cheek

"Thanks I&039;m so sick of tea"

"Every tito help, and I&039;m not sure I could&039;ve handled coffee until now"

Carla turned She was a slim woman with short blond hair Over the years, she&039;d battled tieon Nips, tucks, lifts, injections had wiped away so whittled and hard, Stella thought

She ht pass for forty, but she&039;d never look happy about it

"You always take up for her"

"I&039; up for Jolene, Mom" Wearily, Stella sat Nothat has to be done

Hoould she get through the night?

"I don&039;t see why I had to tolerate her"

"I&039;m sorry you were uncomfortable But she was very kind She and Dad have been ht to be used to it"

"I don&039;t like having her in y voice Trailer trash"

Stella opened her ain Jolene hadn&039;t coood would it do to say so? Or to remind her mother that she&039;d been the one who&039;d wanted a divorce, the one to leave the ood to point out that Carla had been one now"

"Good riddance"

Stella took a deep breath No arguht, as her stoue

"The kids are sleeping They&039;re just worn out Touess that&039;s the way it&039;s going to be" She let her head fall back, closed her eyes "I keep thinking this is a horrible dream, and I&039;ll wake up any second Kevin will be here I don&039;t I can&039;t iine it"

The tears started again "Mo to do"

"Had insurance, didn&039;t he?"

Stella blinked, stared as Carla set a cup of coffee in front of her "What?"

"Life insurance He was covered?"

"Yes, but - "

"You ought to talk to a lawyer about suing the airline Better start thinking of practicalities" She sat with her own coffee "It&039;s what you&039;re best at, anyway"

"Mouage - "Kevin&039;s dead"

"I know that, Stella, and I&039;ave Stella&039;s hand a pat "I dropped everything to coive you a hand, didn&039;t I?"

"Yes" She had to remember that Appreciate that

"It&039;s a daood reason Useless waste I&039;ll never understand it"

"No" Pulling a tissue out of her pocket, Stella rubbed the tears away "Neither will I"

"I liked him But the fact is, you&039;re in a fix now Bills, kids to support Widoith two growing boys Not many men want to take on ready-made families, let me tell you"

"I don&039;t want a man to take us on God, Mom"

"You will," Carla said with a nod &039;Take ot money Don&039;t make my mistakes You lost your husband, and that&039;s hard It&039;s really hard But women lose husbands every day It&039;s better to lose one this way than to go through a divorce"

The pain in Stella&039;s stoe "Mom We had Kevin&039;s oddamn box in led the spoon "I&039;ive it to you You sue the pants off the airline, get yourself a solid nest egg And don&039;t hook yourself up with some loser like I always do You don&039;t think divorce is a hard knock, too? Haven&039;t been through one, have you? Well, I have Twice And Iup on three I&039;m done with that stupid son of a bitch

You&039;ve got no idea what he&039;s put h Not only is he an inconsiderate, loud on ed around, then cut herself a piece of cake "He thinks I&039; to tolerate that, he&039;s ets served with the papers Today"

"I&039; out," Stella said stiffly "But it&039;s a little hard for e and the third divorce were your choice Kevin&039;s dead My husband is dead, and that sure as hell wasn&039;t h this again? You think I want to come here to help you out, then have your father&039;s bimbo shoved in my face?"

"She&039;s his wife, who has never been anything but decent to you and who has always treated me kindly"

&039;To your face" Carla stuffed a bite of cake into her mouth "You think you&039;re the only one with proble it off when you&039;re pushing fifty and facing life alone"

"You&039;re pushing fifty froain, your choice"

Temper turned Carla&039;s eyes dark and sharp "I don&039;t appreciate that tone, Stella I don&039;t have to put up with it"

"No, you don&039;t You certainly don&039;t In fact, it would probably be best for both of us if you left Right now This was a bad idea I don&039;t knohat I was thinking"

"You want one, fine" Carla shoved up froet back to ratitude in you, and if you couldn&039;t be onyou weren&039;t happy Next time you want to cry on somebody&039;s shoulder, call your country bumpkin stepmother"

"Oh, I will," Stella murmured as Carla sailed out of the room "Believe me"

She rose to carry her cup to the sink, then gave in to the petty urge and s as she&039;d been broken She wanted to wreak havoc on the world as it had been on her

Instead she stood gripping the edge of the sink and praying that her mother would pack and leave quickly She wanted her out Why had she ever thought she wanted her to stay? It was always the same between theround

But God, she&039;d wanted that shoulder Needed it so ht Tomorrow she would do whatever came next But she&039;d wanted to be held and stroked and coers she cleaned the broken shards out of the sink, wept over them a little as she poured them into the trash Then she walked to the phone and called a cab for her ain, and Stella decided that was for the best She closed the door, listened to the cab drive away

Alone now, she checked on her sons, tucked blankets over theently on their heads

They were all she had now And she was all they had

She would be a better mother She swore it More patient She would never, never let them down She would never walk ahen they needed her

And when they needed her shoulder, by God, she would give it No matter what No matter when

"You&039;re first for me," she whispered "You&039;ll always be first for ain, then took Kevin&039;s old flannel robe out of the closet She wrapped herself in it, in the fa up on the bed, she hugged the robe close, shut her eyes, and prayed forFor what happened next