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Southfield, Michigan
September 2001
She burned the crea detail, as she would remember the roll and boom of thunder from the late-su in the living room
She would remember the harsh smell, the sudden scream of the smoke alarms, and the way she&039;d mechanically taken the pan off the burner and dumped it in the sink
She wasn&039;t eneral - a precise cook For this welcome-home meal, she&039;d planned to prepare the chicken Alfredo, one of Kevin&039;s favorites, froreens salad and so sauce
In her tidy kitchen in her pretty suburban house she had all the ingredients lined up, her cookbook propped on its stand with the plastic protector over the pages
She wore a navy-blue bib apron over her fresh pants and shirt and had herred hair bundled up on top of her head, out of her way
She was getting started later than she&039;d hoped, but work had been a arden center were on sale, and the eather brought customers out in droves
Not that she er of the nursery It felt good to be back in the thick of it, full-tih for a play group How in the world had her baby grown up enough for first grade?
And before she knew it, Luke would be ready for kindergarten
She and Kevin should start getting a little ht, she thought with a se of her welcoredients, she heard the crash and wail froht as she dropped what she was doing to rush in Thinking about having another baby when the two she had were driving her crazy
She stepped into the rooels Gavin, sunny blond with the devil in his eyes, sat innocently buht red hair a dead ringer for hers, screamed over his scattered wooden blocks
She didn&039;t have to witness the event to know Luke had built; Gavin had destroyed
In their house it was the law of the land
"Gavin Why?" She scooped up Luke, patted his back "It&039;s okay, baby You can build another"
"My house! My house!"
"It was an accident," Gavin claihter rise to her throat remained "The car wrecked it"
"I bet the car did - after you aimed it at his house Why can&039;t you play nice? He wasn&039;t bothering you"
"I was playing He&039;s just a baby"
"That&039;s right" And it was the look that ca his "And if you&039;re going to be a baby, too, you can be a baby in your room Alone"
"It was a stupid house"
"Nuh-uh! Mom" Luke took Stella&039;s face in both his hands, looked at her with those avid, swiood"
"You can build an even better one Okay? Gavin, leave hi I&039; to be home soon Do you want to be punished for his welco"
"That&039;s too bad It&039;s really a shame you don&039;t have any toys" She set Luke down "Build your house, Luke Leave his blocks alone, Gavin If I have to co to like it"
"I want to go outside!" Gavinback
"Well, it&039;s raining, so you can&039;t We&039;re all stuck in here, so behave"
Flustered, she went back to the cookbook, tried to clear her head In an irritated move, she snapped on the kitchen TV God, she missed Kevin The boys had been cranky all afternoon, and she felt rushed and harried and overwhelmed With Kevin out of town these last four days she&039;d been scra with the house, the boys, her job, all the errands alone
Why was it that the household appliances waited, just waited, to go on strike when Kevin left town? Yesterday the washer had gone buns up, and just thatthe toaster oven had fried itself
They had such a nice rhyth the discipline and the pleasure in their sons If he&039;d been home, he could have sat down to play with - and referee - the boys while she cooked
Or better, he&039;d have cooked and she&039;d have played with the boys
She missed the smell of him when he came up behind her to lean down and rub his cheek over hers She ht, and the way they&039;d talk in the dark about their plans, or laugh at so the boys had done that day
For God&039;s sake, you&039;d think the one four months instead of four days, she told herself
She listened with half an ear to Gavin trying to talk Luke into building a skyscraper that they could both wreck as she stirred her cream sauce and watched the wind swirl leaves outside the
He wouldn&039;t be traveling so ot his pro so hard, and he was right on the verge of it The extra money would be handy, too, especially when they had another child - irl this ti full-tiain, they could afford to take the kids somewhere next summer Disney World, nant, they couldaway some money in the vacation fund - and the new-car fund
Having to buy a neashing ency fund, but they&039;d be all right
When she heard the boys laugh, her shoulders relaxed again Really, life was good It was perfect, just the way she&039;d always iined it She was married to a wonderful man, one she&039;d fallen for the minute she&039;d set eyes on him Kevin Rothchild, with his sloeet smile
They had two beautiful sons, a pretty house in a good neighborhood, jobs they both loved, and plans for the future they both agreed on And when theyof that, she iht, she slipped into the sexy new lingerie she&039;d splurged on in his absence
A little wine, a few candles, and
The next, bigger crash had her eyes rolling toward the ceiling At least this time there were cheers instead of wails
"Molee, Luke rushed in "We wrecked the whole building Can we have a cookie?"
"Not this close to dinner"
"Please, please, please, pleasel"
He was pulling on her pants now, doing his best to clied him away from the stove "No cookies before dinner, Luke"
"We&039;re starving" Gavin piled in, sla e&039;re hungry? Why do we have to eat the stupid fredo anyway?"
"Because" She&039;d always hated that answer as a child, but it seemed all-purpose to her now
"We&039;re all eating together when your father gets holanced out theand worried that his plane would be delayed "Here, you can split an apple"
She took one out of the bowl on the counter and grabbed a knife
"I don&039;t like the peel," Gavin complained
"I don&039;t have tiave the sauce a couple of quick stirs "The peel&039;s good for you" Wasn&039;t it?
"Can I have a drink? Can I have a drink, too?" Luke tugged and tugged "I&039;m thirsty"
"God Give o build so Then you can have some apple slices and juice"
Thunder boo up and down and shouting, "Earthquake!"
"It&039;s not an earthquake"
But his face was bright with excitement as he spun in circles, then ran fro into the spirit, Luke ran after hi
Stella pressed a hand to her pounding head The noise was insane, but ot the meal under control
She turned back to the stove, and heard, without much interest, the announceh the headache, and she turned toward the set like an automaton
Co Ten passengers on board
The spoon dropped out of her hand The heart dropped out of her body
Kevin Kevin
Her children screahted fear, and thunder rolled and burst overhead In the kitchen, Stella slid to the floor as her world fractured
They caers at her door with solemn faces She couldn&039;t take it in, couldn&039;t believe it Though she&039;d known She&039;d known the minute she heard the reporter&039;s voice on her little kitchen television
Kevin couldn&039;t be dead He was young and healthy He was co chicken Alfredo for dinner
But she&039;d burned the sauce The s but madness in her pretty house
She had to send her children to her neighbor&039;s so it could be explained to her
But how could the impossible, the unthinkable ever be explained?
Achanged forever One instant of tier lived
Is there anyone you&039;d like to call?
Who would she call but Kevin? He was her family, her friend, her life
They spoke of details that were like a buzz in her brain, of arrange They were sorry for her loss
They were gone, and she was alone in the house she and Kevin had bought when she&039;d been pregnant with Luke The house they&039;d saved for, and painted, and decorated together The house with the gardens she&039;d designed herself
The storm was over, and it was quiet Had it ever been so quiet? She could hear her own heartbeat, the huutters
Then she could hear her own keening as she collapsed on the floor by her front door Lying on her side, she gathered herself into a ball in defense, in denial There weren&039;t tears, not yet They were rief was so deep, tears couldn&039;t reach it She could only lie curled up there, with those wounded-ani out of her throat
It was dark when she pushed herself to her feet, swaying, light-headed and ill Kevin Somewhere in her brain his naet her children, she had to bring her children home She had to tell her babies
Oh, God Oh, God, how could she tell theroped for the door, stepped out into the chilly dark, her mind blessedly blank She left the door open at her back, walked down between the heavy-headed reen leaves of the azaleas she and Kevin had planted one blue spring day
She crossed the street like a blind woh puddles that soaked her shoes, over daht
What was her neighbor&039;s name? Funny, she&039;d known her for four years They carpooled, and soether But she couldn&039;t quite remember
Oh, yes, of course Diane Diane and Adam Perkins, and their children, Jessie and Wyatt Nice faht dully Nice, norether just a couple weeks ago Kevin had grilled chicken
He loved to grill They&039;d had sohs, and the kids had played Wyatt had fallen and scraped his knee
Of course she remembered
But she stood in front of the door not quite sure what she was doing there
Her children Of course She&039;d come for her children She had to tell them___
Don&039;t think She held herself hard, rocked, held in Don&039;t think yet If you think, you&039;ll break apart A ain
Her babies needed her Needed her now Only had her now
She bore down on that hot, hard knot and rang the bell
She saw Diane as if she were looking at her through a thin sheen of water Rippling, and not quite there She heard her dimly Felt the arms that came around her in support and sympathy
But your husband&039;s alive, you see, Stella thought Your life isn&039;t over Your world&039;s the sao So you can&039;t know You can&039;t