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"I’m not sure I want to take the ti it easy on Arnie Then I reht you had a dreah a forest by youryou with a whip made of knotted penises"

Arnie’s face fell, like an i As o, I loved this one

That’s right, Arnie Everything you knorong

"You got ets better A lot better"

Bullshit What it gets is worse A lot worse

"It started a few years ago," I began "We were just a couple of years out of high school Just kids So that friend of mine, John, he was at a party"

JOHN HAD A band back in those days The party was happening Woodstock-style in a muddy field next to a lake in a town a few minutes outside of Undisclosed city li put on by souy, for his birthday or whatever I don’t remember

John and I were there with his band, Three-Arm Sally It was around nine o’clock when I strode out onto the stage with a guitar slung overof unenthusiastic applause frorid of wooden pallets laid together on the grass, orange drop cords snaking underfoot frolanced around, saw a set list taped to one of their crackly old Peavey amplifiers It read:

Camel Holocaust

Gay Superman

Stairway to Heaven

Love My Sasquatch

Thirty Reasons Why I Dislike Chad Wellsburg

Love Me Tender

We took our places

It was me, Head (the drummer), Wally Brown (bass), Kelly Suitar and vocals, but he wasn’t on stage, not yet I should let you know that I had no idea how to play the guitar or any othervoice could probably draw blood froht

I stepped up to theThis is my band, Three-Arm Sally, and we’re here to rock you like the proverbial hurricane"

The crowd muttered its indifference Head ha the guitar around and got ready to rock

Suddenly, my whole body wrenched in a display of unbearable pain, knees buckling My hands shot tolike a wounded anis to throw out soasped, watching as I flew into a series of exaggerated convulsions, then finally lay still

Munch rushed over, studied me like a paramedic I lay there like a dead man He touched my neck, then stood and turned to the , drunken panic in the crowd

"Wait Please, please Everyone Pay attention Just calm down"

He waited for quiet

"Now," he said "We have a whole show to do Is there anyone here who kno to sing and play guitar?"

A tallhair like a deflated afro This was John He wore an orange T-shirt with a black stenciled stao of VISTA PINES FACILITY FOR THE CRIMINALLY INSANE The last tords had been crossed out with a black Magic Marker and the words NOT INSAN were scrawled crazily over it The whole shirt, logo and all, was John’s handiwork

"Well," John said, in a fake Southern accent, "I reckon I can play a little"

Kelly, according to script, invited hiuitar out of ed rass John picked up the instrument and tore into the "Cale show this way

" I knew a man

No, I made that part up

Hair! Hair! Haaairrr!