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I squinted In half a second I counted 5,829 grains of rice on her plate The rice was grown in Arkansas The guy who ran the harvester was nicknaenius, as h School will inforhtest provocation I’m not psychic, either Just side effects, that’s all

The shakes again A quick, fluttery wave, like the adrenaline rush you get when you lean your chair too far past the tipping point Might as ait it out, I guess I was still waiting onShrimp Reunion," a dish I ordered just to see what it looked like I wasn’t hungry

A flatware set rapped in a napkin on the table in front of lass of iced tea; a few inches fro about right then I unwrapped my utensils I closed my eyes and touched the fork, immediately kneas o, on a Thursday, and that a guy had once used it to scrape a piece of dog shit froh a couple of days of this, said ain from inside my skull You’ll open your eyes toain Well, ly and kind of stupid and you’ll occasionally see things that make you--

I did openacross from me in the booth I hadn’t heard or felt or smelled him when he slid into the seat Was this the reporter I spoke to on the phone?

Or a ninja?

"Hey," I mumbled "Are you Arnie?"

"Yeah Did you doze off there?" He shook my hand

"Uh, no I was just tryin’ to rub so Good to meet ya"

"Sorry I’ined him He was older, uneven haircut and a bad ray suit that looked older than I was, a tie with a fat Windsor knot

He had told azine and wanted to do a feature on me and my friend John It wasn’t the first request like this, but it was the first one I had agreed to I looked the guy up on the Web, found out he did quirky little huuy who obsessively collects old lightbulbs and paints landscapes on them, another about a lady with six hundred cats, that sort of thing It’s what polite people have instead of freak shows I guess, stories we can laugh at around the coffee aze stayed onin rown hair Instead of pointing out any of that, Arnie said, "You don’t look Asian, Mr Wong"

"I’ed Thought it would ave me the first of what I assumed would be many, many skeptical looks "How so?"

I half closed es of the 103 billion humans who have been born since the species appeared A sea of people living, dying and anis to clear e of the waitress’s boobs

I said, "Wong is the le it, you’ve got a shitload of results to sift through before you get to me"

He said, "Okay Your faht to it, then

"I was adopted Never knew my real dad You could be my dad, for all I know Are you ure out if these arm-up questions to prime the interview puht as well go all-in That’s e’re here, right?

"My adopted faet out your pen because you’ll want to write this down My biological mom? She was institutionalized"

"That -out, crank-addicted cannibal, dabbled in vampirism and shamanism My mom, she worshipped some major devil when I was a toddler Blew her welfare check every month on black candles Sure, Satan would do her favors now and then, but there’s always a catch with the Devil Always a catch"

A pause from Arnie, then, "Is that true?"

"No This, this silliness, it’s what I do when I’m nervous She was bipolar, that’s all Couldn’t keep a house Isn’t the other story better, though? You should use it"

Arnie gave ht you wanted to get the truth out, your side of it If not, then why are we even here, Mr Wong?"

Because I let woht Sorry"

"Now, since we broached the subject, you spent your senior year in high school in an alternative progra," I lied "They have this label, ‘Emotionally Disturbed’ that they put on you, but it was just a couple of fights Kid stuff, no charges or anything Craziness is not hereditary"

Arnie eyed me, both of us aware of the fact that juvenile records are sealed fro and that he would have to take my word for it I wondered how this would end up in his article, especially in light of the utter batshit insanity of the story I was about to share