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IN THE MOONLIGHT’S PALLID GLAMOUR

LATE the nextTatiana came into the critical care ward at the field hospital, the wooden building that was once a school, and found someone else in Alexander’s bed She had expected his bed to be empty She did not expect to see a new patient in Alexander’s bed, aat the ht she had made a mistake She had woken up late and rushed and then spent too many hours in the ter

But no, it was the critical ward Leo in bed nu The two beds next to Alexander had also been emptied and refilled by new patients Nikolai Ouspensky, the lieutenant with one lung next to Alexander, was gone, and so was the corporal next to him

Why would they have filled Alexander’s bed? Tatiana went to check with Ina, who knew nothing; she wasn’t even on shift duty yet Ina told Tatiana that late last night Alexander had asked for his dress uniforht Past that she knew nothing Ina said that

Tatiana went to check He hadn’t been

She came back to the critical ward and looked under the bed His rucksack was gone Alexander’son the wooden chair that stood by the new patient, whose face was covered in gauze, oozing blood near his right ear Absentet a doctor to take a look at hi as well as she could for a wo to show, she knew It was a good thing they were leaving, because she could not i herself to the nurses and her patients She was on her way to the h her insides She became afraid that Alexander had been sent back to the front, that he had gone across the lake and been made to stay She couldn’t eat a bite She went to look for Dr Sayers

She couldn’t find hi ready to start her shift, Ina told her that Dr Sayers had been looking for her

"He couldn’t have been looking very hard," said Tatiana "I’ve been in ter" Tatiana found Dr Sayers in the terminal ward himself, with a patient who had lost oing on? Where is Major Belov?" She saw that the patient had mere minutes to live

Sayers didn’t look up from the man’s wounds when he said, "Tatiana, I’ether while I sew"

"What’s going on, Doctor?" Tatiana repeated as she helped hiht?"

Tatiana looked at the doctor, looked at the patient, and put her gloved and bloodied hand on the patient’s forehead For a few moments she kept her hand on hi"

The doctor stopped suturing

Tatiana ripped off her gloves and walked outside The doctor followed her It was nearly the ly windy "Listen, Tania," Sayers said, taking hold of her hands and looking white "I’ terrible has happened" His voice half broke on happened The circles under his eyes were so dark, it looked as if he had been beaten Tatiana stared at him for a moment, another moment--

She pulled her hands away "Doctor," Tatiana said, paling and looking around for so to hold on to "What’s happened?"

"Tania, wait, don’t shout--"

"I’"

"I’m very sorry to tell you this, very sorry, but Alexander--" He broke off "Early this , when he was taken with two other soldiers to Volkhov" Sayers couldn’t continue

Tatiana listenedanesthetized She tried to say, "What?"

"Listen, they were going across the lake when enemy fire--"

"What enemy fire?" Tatiana whispered vehe started, but we’re fighting a war You hear the boe rocket hit the ice in front of the truck and exploded"

"Where is he?"

"I’m sorry Five people in that trucknobody survived"

Tatiana turned her back to the doctor and shook so violently that she thought she would split open Without looking back, she asked, "Doctor, how do you know this?"

"I was called to the scene We tried to save the men, the truck But the truck was too heavy It sank" His voice was belohisper

Tatiana gripped her stoh her body at over 200 beats a rabbed a handful of snow, and wiped her mouth She took another handful and pressed it to her face Her heart would not quieten She could not stop retching She felt the doctor’s hand on her back, heard his voice di for her, "Tania, Tania"

She did not turn around "Did you see hi

"Yes I’ot his cap--"

"Was he alive when you saw him?"

"I’m sorry, Tatiana No"

She couldn’t stand any more

"No, please," she heard Dr Sayers’s voice and felt his ar herself to reaze at Dr Sayers, who touched her face and said, very concerned, "You need to go and sit down immediately, you’re in a state of--"

"I knohat I am in," Tatiana said "Give me his cap"

"I’m sorry It breaks my--"

"I’ll take his cap," said Tatiana, but her hand was shaking so badly that she couldn’t grasp it for a moment, and when she did, it fell out of her hands and onto the snow

She couldn’t hold the death certificate either Dr Sayers had to hold it up for her She saw only his naa ice

"Where is he?" she said faintly "Where is he now--" She could not finish

"Oh, Taniawhat could we do? We"

Waving him off, she doubled over "Don’t speak to me anymore How could you not have woken me? How could you not have toldpulled upright Sayers had tears in his eyes "I did look for you after I returned But I can barely stand in front of you nohen you’ve coot no choice If I could, I would have sent you a telegraet out of here! You and I Let’s be done with this place! I have to get out of here, I can’t do it anyet our things I’ll call Leningrad, let thelanced at her "We have to leave tonight"

Tatiana did not respond Her et past the death certificate It wasn’t a Red Army certificate It was a Red Cross death certificate

"Tatiana," said Sayers, "can you hear me?"

"Yes," she said indistinctly

"You will coed to utter "I need to think for a few minutes"

"Will you" Sayers let out "Will you please come back to my office? You’re not -- Co away from Sayers, Tatiana watched hi to him She turned and walked as fast as she could to theShe had to find Colonel Stepanov The colonel was busy and refused to see her at first

She waited outside the front door until he came out

"I’m headed for theher eye and hurrying forward

"Sir," Tatiana said into his back, not taking a step, "what happened to your officer--" She couldn’t say his name out loud

Stepanov slowed down, stopped, and faced her "I’ently

Tatiana didn’t speak Co close to hioodher face "Please tell me what happened to him"

"I don’t knoasn’t there"

Tatiana stood shed "All I know is that one of our ar your husband, Lieutenant Ouspensky, one corporal, and two drivers exploded thisunder what appeared to be enemy fire and eventually sank I have no other inforet pro," she said in a faint whisper

"Nurse Metanova," said Colonel Stepanov, pausing and blinking "The truck sank Everything else is moot"

Tatiana never looked away from him for a moment

Stepanov nodded "I’m sorry Your husband was--"

"I knohat he was, sir," Tatiana broke in, holding the cap and the certificate to her chest

With a s blue eyes, Colonel Stepanov said, "Yes We both do"

Mutely they stood in front of each other

"Tatiana!" said Colonel Stepanov emotionally "Go back with Dr Sayers As soon as you can It’ll be easier and safer for you in Leningrad Maybe Molotov? Go with him"

Tatiana saw him button the top of his uniforht your son back," she whispered

Stepanov lowered his eyes "Yes"

"But who is going to bring hih her words

How to et on my hands and knees and crawl, no, I alk, I will look at the ground, and I alk away, and I won’t stumble

I will stumble

She fell on the snow, and the colonel ca her back, and she closed her coat around her and, without looking again at Stepanov, staggered down the road to the hospital, holding on to the walls of buildings

To hide him her whole life, to hide him every step of the way, to hide him from Dasha, from Dimitri, to hide him from death, and now to hide hi Dr Sayers in his small office, Tatiana said, "Doctor, look at me, lookto her knees, she looked at him, her hands in a plea

Dr Sayers crouched down and took Tatiana’s hands "I swear," he said, "he is dead" He did not look at her

"I can’t," she said in a guttural voice "I can’t take it I can’t take the thought of hi in that lake without me Do you understand? I can’t take it," she whispered wrenchingly "Tell me he’s been taken by the NKVD Tell es next week, tell me he’s been sent to the Ukraine, to Sinyavino, to Siberia -- tellBut please tellbut that Tell o with you anywhere, I pro you, tell me the truth"

"I’m sorry," Dr Sayers said, "I couldn’t save him With my whole heart I’m sorry I couldn’t save him for you"

Tatiana crawled away to the wall and put her face into her hands

"I a anywhere," she said "There is no point"

"Tania," Sayers said, co his hand on her head, "please don’t say that Honeypleaselet me save you for him"

"There is no point"

"No point? What about his baby?" exclaimed the doctor

She took her hands away from her face and stared dully at Sayers "He told you we are having a baby?"

"Yes"

"Why?"

Flustered, the doctor said, "I don’t know" His hand was still on Tatiana’s head "You don’t feel good You’re all cold You’re--"

She did not reply She was convulsing

"Are you going to be all right?"

She covered her face

"Will you stay here? Just stay in ht Sleepnoise that sounded like an ani to die before it bled to death

"Your patients were asking for you," Sayers said softly "Do you think--"

"No" Through her hands "Please leave ht fell, she sat on the floor in Dr Sayers’s office She put her head into her knees, and sat against the wall Until she couldn’t sit up anymore, and then she lay down, curled into a ball

Diasp and tried to get up but couldn’t Helping her up, Sayers sucked in his breath when he saw her face "God, Tania Please I need you--"

"Doctor!" Tatiana exclaiht now I’ll be what I can Is it tio" He lowered his voice "Look, I went to your bed and got your backpack It’s yours, right?"

"Yes," she said, taking it

"Do you have anything else you need to bring?"

"No," Tatiana whispered "The backpack is all I have Is it just you and ?"

Dr Sayers paused before he answered her "Chernenko caed now that--"

"And you said" Her weak legs weren’t holding her She sank into the chair and looked up "I can’t go with him," she said "I just can’t"

"I don’t want to take him either, but what can I do? He told me, not in so et you through the first checkpoint I want to get you out, Tania What else can I do?"

"Nothing," said Tatiana

She helped Sayers collect his few things and carried his doctor’s bag and her nurse’s bag outside The Red Cross vehicle was a big jeep without the enclosed solid steel body custoer cab but only canvas covering the back, not the safest for the wounded or medical personnel But it had been the only truck available at the time in Helsinki, and Sayers could not wait for a proper aes were sewn into the tarpaulin

Di by the side of the truck Tatiana did not look or acknowledge him as she opened the tarpaulin and climbed in to load the first aid kit and the box of plasma

"Tania?" Dimitri said

Dr Sayers caht, let’s hurry along You get in the back Once we leave here, you can change into the Finnish pilot’s clothes I don’t kno you’re going to get your arhTania, where are those clothes?" Then to Di?"

"Terrible I can barely see Is lanced at Diht ar His face ollen black and blue She wanted to ask what had happened to him, but she didn’t care

"Tania?" Di I’m sorry"

Tatiana retrieved the Finnish pilot’s clothes fro place and threw them on the truck floor in front of Dimitri

"Tatiana, coet going"

Taking Sayers’s hand, Tatiana jumped down past Dimitri

"Tania?" Dimitri repeated

She lifted her eyes to hi condemnation that Dimitri could not help but look away "Just put on the clothes," Tatiana said through her teeth "Then get down on the floor and lie very still"

"Look, I’ed furiously at Dimitri, and she would have punched him in his broken nose had Dr Sayers not restrained her fro away, Dimitri opened his mouth and stammered, "I said I was very s--"

"I don’t want to hear your fcking lies!" she yelled, her ar held by Dr Sayers "I don’t want you to speak tonervously that he didn’t understand why she should be upset with hiot behind the wheel and stared wide-eyed at Tatiana

"Ready, Doctor Let’s go" Tatiana buttoned up her nurse’s white coat with the Red Cross badge on the sleeve, and she tied her little white hat over her hair She had all of Alexander’s money, she had his Pushkin book, she had his letters and their photographs She had his cap, and she had his ring

They drove into the night

Tatiana held Sayers’s open h the northern Russian woods Dr Sayers drove his small truck, as they made their way on unpaved,at all, staring out the sideinto the darkness, counting inside her head, trying to keep herself upright

Sayers kept talking to her nonstop in English "Tania, dear, it will be all right--"

"Will it, Doctor?" she asked, also in English "And what are we going to do with hiet to Helsinki I’ about is you We will get to Helsinki, drop off some supplies, and then you and I will take a Red Cross plane to Stockhol on the North Sea, and we’ll take a protected vessel across the North Sea to England Tania, can you hear me? Do you understand?"

"I can hear you," she said faintly "I understand"

"In England I’ve got a couple of stops to make, but then we’ll either fly to the US or take one of the passenger liners from Liverpool And once you’re in New York--"

"Matthew, please," whispered Tatiana

"I’ to be all right"

From the back Dilish"

Tatiana did not reply at first Then she picked up a metal pipe from under Dr Sayers’s feet that she knew he kept in case of trouble Swinging her arainst theDr Sayers nearly off the side of the road "Dimitri," she said loudly, "you have to stay quiet and stop talking You are a Finn Not another Russian syllable out of you"