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Chapter 14

I OPENED THE DOOR TO MY PARENTS&039; APARTMENT NERVOUSLY

Hoas I nervous? Let me count the ways There was the two thousand dollars&039; worth of clothing on the hangers ina refund There was the ht already have this address And there was my head, which was an entirely new color Every reflective surface between Jen&039;s aparter stared back at me all the way home, as perplexed as I was by the situation

"Hello?" I called

And of course there wereto freak when they saw ht even like it - but they were going to ask a lot of questions And when they found out that Jen-the-new-girl had done it

I shuddered

"Hello?"

No answer No sounds except passing sirens, water running through the pipes, and the a I closed the door, deciding I was probably safe My parents&039; apart is more than a century old Made of stone, it&039;s cool even in summer and always feels secure

Besides, there&039;s a reason why slasher movies are always set in suburbia or out in the country New York City dwellings have hardwood doors with metal jackets and dead-bolt locks and bars on theYou prettyunder the bed is not required

I checked the time It o hours before I was supposed to arrive at the party Jen was showing up earlier, separately, to help maintain our anony to be I had a feeling she didn&039;t know yet

I hung the clothes inlook at er o Exiles cut their own hair, but that&039;s not a skill that always translates to cutting soh The cut was short and severe, and the acid had left my hair almost white My still-black eyebrows stood out in lone contrast againstevery expression I looked a little like a gangster in a too-hip French ht, and I had been hiding behind , I was in disguise,at the sense of dislocation as I played nize ot dressed

In the interest of actually getting s on the clothes This was to prove a painful s Everything fit perfectly, with the su The black pants were classically pleated, the glea white tuxedo shirt battened doith onyx cuff links Argyle-patterned suspenders defined arht Not to ood

Until I reached the confidence-shattering bow tie Which, of course, I didn&039;t have the first idea how to tie

The bulbous little flap of black and shiny cloth drooped lifelessly aroundon historical knowledge about neckwear but very short on the practical Bow ties just weren&039;t a part of y pants and T-shirts, skater labels and the latest cross-trainer When it ca at the clock, I discovered that I had thirty ineer five hundred years of necktie technology Not for the first tie,,,,,,,,

The next time you&039;re forced to wind a tie around your neck, blame the sun

As any corporate drone or private-school kid knows, ties are basically uniforms - most of us wear thely, the earliest-known neckwear is found on men who didn&039;t have a choice, Chinese soldiers in about 250 BC Ro ties about four centuries later (Apparently noodles weren&039;t the only thing the Italians had delivered from the Chinese) History teaches us that people ore ties were all pretty o

Then it got cold everywhere

The sun began to sputter, putting out less and less heat Slowly but surely the Little Ice Age arrived, with serious consequences Glaciers ate towns in France, an ice-skating craze swept Holland, and all the Vikings in Greenland died That&039;s right, Vikings didn&039;t h the winters That&039;s pretty cold

And everyone started wearing scarves, indoors and out

At some point, of course, soe dress code and started playing with his scarf,up with neays to tie it The craze caught on, giving people souess Neckwear exploded The cravat, the stock, and the Steenkirk were all invented, to be tied in complicated knots called the "philosophical," the nineteenth century, Neckclothitania, lists seventy-tays to tie a tie Talk about mathematical

Fortunately for you and ot ware to wear ties only for weddings, funerals, and job interviews The last knots standing are the Windsor, the half Windsor, and the four-in-hand And only three varieties of neckwear reular kind And with global war up the heat, it et rid of those

Until that fine day comes, however, there&039;s always the information desk of the New York Public Library

"Hello? I need to kno to tie a bow tie"

"Yes, we have books on etiquette and groo"

"Actually, I don&039;t have time for a book I need to kno" I checked the kitchen clock "I have to be out the door in twenty-six et a copy of Neckclothitania or, I hoped, Bow Ties for Dummies, I pulled the landline phone to the bathroom mirror Mandy&039;s cell phone would have been easier, but it didn&039;t feel right to use up her ly landline cord stretched the distance reluctantly, shivering with the quiet fury of rasp, it was going to shoot back into the kitchen at a speed that would shatter linoleum

I secured it carefully between neck and shoulder, preparing to do battle

Don&039;t try this at home

"Okay, sir Post or Vanderbilt?"

"Excuse me?"

"Emily Post&039;s book of etiquette or Auess"