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Or will it be just another in a long list of disappointun You can still check out if you need to, fall into the water, sink… sink… sink into oblivion, I tell myself and that also helps, because it means I have options

Options are important

So is an exit plan

"Okay," Herr Silverman says, "I’m in New Jersey About five hts reflected on the river look so beautiful, I think They ale now," Herr Silverman says, and then I hear hi and wait for us

The taxi driver says so and the tone of his voice ency," Herr Silverman tells him "I will tip you well I pro to spend his own money to save me68 and my throat constricts as I hear the taxi co the taxi, Leonard I’m here I just have to find a way down to you"

I want to tell hih school students, but ain

"Here’s a path," Herr Silver down the hill

"Leonard?" he says, only this ti up

THIRTY-TWO

"Is that a gun in your hand, Leonard?" Herr Silverman says, and his voice sounds a little shakier than usual--likeon

"Nazi P-38," I say, and randfather’s war trophy?"

I nod

He’s still a few feet away from me, but I feel sort of boxed in a little, so I take a step back

"You wanna give that to me?" he says, and takes a step toward me with his palm outstretched I can tell he’s really freaked now, because his hand is shaking, although he’s trying hard to steady it

"Did they teach you how to deal with an ar to lighten the mood "Was there a class on this?"

"No, they certainly didn’t--and there definitely wasn’t," he says "Maybe there should have been Is it loaded?"

"Yep And the safety’s off," I say, hearing the edge in my voice

Herr Silverman lowers his hand and stiffens a bit

I don’t really understand why I’ to Herr Silverht?

I called him on the phone because I wanted him to come

But it’s like I can’t help myself

It’s like I’ivewill be okay"

"No it won’t That’s such a fucking lie! You don’t lie, Herr Silverman You’re better than the rest You’re the only adult I really trust and look up to So tell ain"

"Okay Did you write the letters fro that kind of surprises s I don’t want to feel "Yes Yes, I did," I say in this defiant, al voice

"What did they tell you? What did they say?"

"They said a nuclear holocaust is co The future world is covered ater, like Al Gore predicted People kill each other for the little land left Millions die"

"Interesting But I’looht in your eyes toothat bit about there being light in my eyes makes ht "It doesn’t fucking matter, because those people don’t exist"

"Yes, they do, Leonard," he says, taking another cautious step toward h--and if you hold on Okay--maybe you won’t find those exact people, but friends will arrive at some point You’ll find others like you"

"How do you kno can you be so sure?"

"Because I used to write letters to e and it helped ined in the future?"

"I did"

I’uard by this information, and suddenly I’m truly curious about Herr Silverman’s life

Who are the people he wrote to?

"How did you find theure out who I was and what I wanted Once I knew that, I could send out a clear e so that others could respond appropriately"

I think about it and say, "In the future I hter, and father-in-law We send out a great beah no one ever sees it"

"That’s beautiful," he says "You see?"

But I don’t see, so I say, "Writing those letters ot to thinking that I wanted to live in that fictional world now--that the better world in the letters made me want to exit this world That’s probably what led to un in my hand"

Herr Silverman winces almost unnoticeably, but I see it Then he says, "You ever feel like you’re sending out a light but no one sees it?"